Life in a Box

Best Ways to Quit Your Job (as seen in movies)

2008-11-09T06:30:00.000-08:00

Hate your job? Loathe your work? Despise your occupation? Or maybe even abhor your vocation? If you answered yes to one or more of the above you may be a perfect candidate for quitting. "But Mr. Magic Internet Man, how am I supposed to do that?" you may be asking yourself. Well, like with most things in life, Hollywood provides the answer. Here are the seven best ways to quit your job from the world of celluloid leaving the bridge you cross burning behind you.

Honorable Mention: Giving God the Finger - Dogma

Though we never get to see it actually happen, any scenario that involves throwing down a flaming sword and flipping God the bird is a pretty awesome way to quit your job as the Angel of Death.

5. Lumberjack - And Now For Something Completely Different

Quitting a job to follow your true calling in and of itself isn't quite noteworthy, save for the fact that your true calling is being a lumberjack. And you have a song to go with it that slowly reveals you're a cross-dresser. Easy to pull off too. In the midst of your work, like dealing with a customer or defending your client in court, you just stand up and say, "I never wanted to do this. I wanted to be a lumberjack!" And you could easily replace "lumberjack" with "Vegas show dancer," "mime," really any weird occupation that no one would consider a calling. This sort of non-sequitar is a great way to go out that'll leave everybody scratching their heads, saying, "What just happened?"

4. Shut the Fuck Up - Wanted

It may get a little sappy and daytime talk show in the middle, but surely we all have known that feeling of wanting to tell off a superior in front of everyone.

3. Stop Hitting Yourself - Fight Club

Follow these three easy steps if you want to quit your job but still get paid. First, demand a year's salary and other various perks in exchange for not ratting on something illegal or immoral the company has done. Second, when your boss roundly refuses increase the seriousness of your threat by directly putting him in a compromising position. Third, walk away triumphantly.

2. My Job Consists Of... - American Beauty

Like Edward Norton, Kevin Spacey utilized the above steps with equally effective results. Even though their systems are the same, American Beauty trumps Fight Club for Spacey's explanation of his job and for going with the simpler sexual harassment suit for step two as opposed to beating the shit out of yourself.

1. Fuck You - Half-Baked

Scarface's simple and curt resignation is the best way to end your tenure at any company. Hell, it's the best way to do most things. Use it when break up with someone, as your speech at your high school graduation, or really just anytime you leave a room.

Review: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

2008-11-02T20:56:00.000-08:00

Kevin Smith’s second foray into making a movie without those beloved hetero life mates, the stoner duo Jason and Quiet Robert. No Askewniverse in this one folks. No references to Julie Dwyer. No scene at a Quick Stop. No Canadian female singers as God. Not even Ben Affleck. Just straight up real world antics of porn making (something everyone and their grandmother can relate to).

Basically the title says it all. Zack and Miri make a porno. Perhaps a more wordy plot summary would be: Lifelong platonic friends and roommates Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) find themselves in financial straits and facing losing their apartment so decide the lucrative idea of making a porno would be a quick and easy way of getting quick cash and enlist several old and new friends in their endeavor, but did not expect to have the newly risen romantic feelings of having sex with each.

It’s a very heartwarming picture with the relationship of Zack and Miri at the center, which is a difficult prospect given its subject matter. Unfortunately the flick does fall into the trappings of a typical romantic comedy. You know, where there’s this big blow-up between the two characters over what is simply misinformation. The porn angle does bring new credence and problems to this unimaginative turn, but still, c’mon. Luckily the acting and writing is able to rise above these trappings, but just barely. I also would’ve appreciated some more development on the peripheral characters in the film. Everybody they hire on to help quickly becomes best friends, which just seems a little forced (bow chicka wow-wow) given we only see them spend like four days together all if involving the prospect of soulless sex for money. The movie does present the idea that everyone is enjoying themselves in the project (it seemed more like they were making small movie among friends rather than a fuckfest), but I still would’ve preferred more background and growth.

Really where the movie fails is humor wise, which I found quite surprising. Not that it’s unfunny, because it’s quite funny, just not to the level we’ve seen from Smith over the years. There are still the brilliant comedic mot justes only he can spew, but just not enough for my taste. Seemed to be more Judd Apatow related (which isn’t too surprising given it seems more than half the cast is an Apatow alum). Special mention of Craig Robinson, who manages some truly great comedic deliveries. As well as the great cameos of Justin Long and Brandon Routh.

So Zack and Miri isn’t so much a comedy as it is a romantic comedy for the couple that doesn’t mind foul language, porn, and a flood of poop humor in their love stories. And really aren’t these the foundations of love anyway?

Rating: 6.5/10

Review: W.

2008-11-02T20:32:00.000-08:00

W. is an interesting film. Not thought provoking. Not emotionally stimulating. Just… interesting. I’m not quite sure what it is, but it just manages to not be enthralling. It’s a biopic about one of the most opinion invoking political figures of our time (go ahead ask somebody how they feel about Bush, I’m pretty sure they’re going to have a strong opinion), that just manages to be flat and tiring.

The movie is about the 43rd president of the United States of America, George Walker Bush (grey haired fella, squints a lot, current leader of our nation), focusing primarily on the Iraq War, his difficulty finding meaningful work after graduation, his alcohol abuse, and most importantly his tumultuous bond with his father and living up to his expectations.

I think it’s the editing and pacing of the movie that throws it for me. The film keeps moving throughout Bush’s life, skipping around from his presidency, to his college days, to his various jobs, to his attempts at running for office. Obviously these skips are supposed to be unified in dealing Bush’s main struggle: his relationship with his father. Still, maybe because this struggle never really captivated me, the whole movie feels disjointed. Without a proper singular narrative thread the film just sat there and played itself out. It never drew me in. It never popped out to excite me. Which is interesting for an Oliver Stone flick as he’s always been great at making pseudo-good flicks that were at the very least entertaining.

Like the movie, performance wise nothing really jumped out at me. Everyone does fantastic jobs at emulating their respective real world counterparts, going beyond doing a simple impersonation. They all went deeper than just imitating voice and mannerisms, making them real characters. Now obviously this shows brilliant skill from the thespians, but still no one performance ever grabbed you. Jeffrey Wright (Colin Powell) and Richard Dreyfuss (Dick Cheney) get close. As does the incomparable James Cromwell (George H.W. Bush), but that may be because he never really tried to impersonate George Bush Sr. and solely acted. Even Josh Brolin doesn’t amaze, and he was fantastic as the president. I realize how contradictory that sounds, but that’s just how this movie is. It could be that these characters never have any really big moments where they can emote where someone starts yelling or crying or whatever, and all the performances have to rely on subtlety. And the nuances were great; they just didn’t lead anywhere. But the entire movie seemed to follow that pattern: a whole lot of well done nothing. And well done nothing is still nothing (besides I like my nothing medium-rare; that's right I just made that joke).

Maybe I was looking for it to be a more interesting character study of our President, or maybe I was looking for a little more perspective historically speaking. Oliver Stone really dropped the ball in the shower with this one. Whatever it was W. was a lackluster look at this man we call Big Papa Smurf (well I’m sure someone does).

Rating: 6/10

Review: Sex Drive

2008-11-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

When has a teen sex comedy ever been good?

No. You’re wrong. That’s a horrible movie.

So is that one.

Eh… I wouldn’t consider that one a teen sex comedy. More like a coming of age/underdog story.

Anyway as we've just proven, there isn’t a good one. Teen sex comedies were run into the ground during the 80’s, then started to come back in the late 90’s before it was mercifully shot out behind the chemical shed to put the genre out of its misery. Sex Drive is the zombie that rose from the grave. Sure it technically functions, but it’s lifeless and solely out to eat our brains.

Road trip to lose guy’s virginity. That’s it. That's the plot. All you need to know. I’m sure you can fill in all the gaps from there. Everything in Sex Drive has been done. The characters. The premises. The jokes. The plot. Everything. In fact they’ve all been done to death. It’s like Weekend at Bernie’s. All they did was prop sunglasses on these corspsified ideas and paraded them throughout the movie. It’s not especially bad, just uninspired and so very, very worn (insert joke about your mom here).

I will give some credit to both Seth Green’s subtlety sarcastic Amish character and James Marsden’s pumped up asshole. But honestly neither performance was really that great, just the only thing in this film that could be constituted as good.

Perhaps the one amusing thing you might take away from the movie is “RUMSPRINGA!!!” For those not familiar with Amish people outside of Witness and Weird Al’s Amish Paradise, Rumspringa is the period in young Amish people’s lives where they get a chance to experience the outside world (technology, drunken debaucheries, sober debaucheries, and so forth) so they can have a educated choice about staying with their religion (most chose to come back, go figure). Anyway our teens happen upon Seth Green’s community in the middle of this event, and there is this one wasted Amish chick who continually shouts, “RUMSPRINGA!!!” usually as an echo of its mention. It’s an amusing gag, and one I plan to carry over in my personal life, shouting “RUMSPRINGA!!!” anytime its appropriate (wild parties, Spring Break, and like) and even when it’s not appropriate (church, hospitals, things of that nature).

I’m bored with talking about this movie, so I’m forgoing a relevant conclusion instead finishing with telling you why the ending paragraph isn’t about the movie, which is of course this sentence you're reading right now.

RATING: 3/10

Metal Gear Solid 4 Review

2008-10-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have forgotten, my name is Stads, and I do video game reviews, I haven't done one in forever because I was in another country, and saving up for a playstation 3 (those things are expensive.) For those of you who hardly ever read this blog because we rarely post, screw you guys, video games aren't cheap, and neither are movies. Though movies are admitedly much less costly than video games, what the hell shandeaux? The whole point of this otherwise pointless venture into blogging is that we're just average joes who enjoy movies and video games, and think we actually might know a little more than those so called "professional reviewers." I will step off my soap box now, it was slippery up there anyway.

On to Metal Gear Solid 4, the so called "must have PS3 title." The game that everyone said was going to save the playstation. Well they were wrong, Sony can save the Playstation only though Blue-ray. Metal Gear Solid 4 is not an inherently bad game, it just happens to be more of a movie than a video game. A very impressive movie at that, but still a movie. This is one of those games that Sony up in their tower, will probably never drop the price on, and I'm telling you, it is not worth 60 dollars. The game has roughly 10 hours of cutscenes, and somewhere around 10 hours of gameplay. This means, you are watching the game as much as you are playing it. I got the impression that good ol' Hideo just had too much left that he wanted to say. Registration is bad, war is harmful, aging is ok, the messages go on and on. Normally I like a game with plot too. I want to know why I want to kill this guy with a mustache and someone else's arm that controls his thought(what?) But the story just makes no sense! It never has, either, and the gameplay has always made up for it, but in my mind this time, there was just too much preaching. To me, it was like watching Fight Club, after everyone else told you it was a really great movie. You finish the movie, and are confused, wondering how it was good. Finally you decide it must have been good, because that's what everyone else said, and you don't want to sound stupid.

I know that if anyone actually read this blog, all these die-hard Metal Gear fans would be jumping down my throat, Kojima is a genius, the game is brilliant. Well of course you people like it, you're hardcore Metal Gear fans. You were so invested in the first game, that you've been living off it's good will ever since. It's like season one of Lost, it was great, so great in fact that it has kept people watching crap for 3 more seasons. That is a little unfair, Metal Gear Solid 2 was also good, providing as you didn't play as Raiden.

The only true way to enjoy the game is to skip past every single cutscene, which will of course leave you wondering why you're crawling through the Middle East, but still it's better than wondering why you're crawling through the middle east picking up weapons for a hairless monkey. The replay value is actually pretty good, if you're the type who like to collect achievements (trophies, sorry Sony.) And I have to say for once a game that lets you change difficulty's in a continued game.

I feel I have to comment on Metal Gear Online, at least a little. My main problem with it was that you have to jump through ten different hoops before you can play, download a huge patch, install a huge patch, mail in a letter signed in triplicate and notarized, kill you first born son, etc. You can't even use your Playstation Network ID, you have to make one through them. Playstation 3 is capable of inredible graphics, but it doesn't seem capable of a decent multiplayer experience.

In the end, if you're bored with the other Playstation 3 games that are actually well done, like Uncharted, and you have spare cash, Metal Gear Solid 4 is worth it, simply because the graphics will leave you speechless. But if you own any other console, I really would recommend not buying this title, Playstation is going to have to come up with a different "must have" exclusive title. I have faith some great ones are coming.

Rating 7/10

Review: Eagle Eye

2008-10-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

I now have a review paradox. Without spoiling the movie, the review would be nothing but vague and rambling (which someone could argue wouldn’t be different from any other of my reviews). However, giving away this nugget of the plot truly does ruin the movie, as in I was actually digging the flick until the big secret was revealed. So I either ruin any pleasure one can derive from the film, before it even happens, or I can reveal the big secret to give a more accurate picture of why this movie fails. Whatever. Let the spoilers rain down!

Ok, so plot is everyday slacker Jerry Shaw (Shia TheBeouf) is framed as being a terrorist by some unknown entity, who uses him as an agent to perform various acts for them, all while monitoring him by hacking into various uses of surveillance that exist (security cameras, cellphones, etc.) and helping him out, by again hacking into various machinery that exist (traffic lights, large cranes, etc.). He is accompanied by single mom Rachel Holloman (Michelle Monaghan), who is also being coerced by the mysterious forces by threatening to derail the train seven year-old her son is on to go and play a concert in Washington (the important one, not the state). Also government officials (various actors) are pursuing them.

Ok, then the curtained is pulled back and we all discover what’s really going on. Turns out surveillance monitoring government computer has gone rogue, because when it determined attacking that the person the US government thought was a major terrorist was unwise because facial recognitioning couldn’t get a high percent chance of likelihood it was the dude, it was ignored and the president went ahead with the strike anyway. Well, turns out the computer was correct, it wasn’t the guy, so now pissed off Middle Easterns are blowing up US embassies in retaliation for us killing innocent people (but how innocent are they? They are living in the Middle East). So now the computer, in order to prevent further loss of American lives through poor decision making, feels that it should kill the president and various other people along the chain of command, putting the Secretary of Defense (Michael “The Thing” Chiklis) in charge. It’s kinda assumed this is because he did advise the president to listen to the computer’s advice, so I guess the computer feels he’d be better in charge. But Jerry Shaw’s twin brother in the Army discovered the computer’s coup and put a security lock-down or whatever, so the computer could not follow through with it. The computer then kills Jerry’s twin with its traffic magic, before he can tell anyone, but since he is the only one who can unlock the computer, the computer gets his twin to do it, because that’s just as good. Then the computer can use single mom Rachel’s son to kill everybody at the State of the Union address through music (remember how I mentioned him briefly at the beginning? You thought he wasn’t going to be a part of it right, just a secondary character to add pathos? Well you were wrong!). Will the computer take over America? Or will somehow against all odds will Jerry rise to the occasion and stop it? Pay $8.50 to find out. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Ok, really? A sentient computer goes rogue and takes over humanity? Really? I mean forget that this movie is ideologically speaking exactly 2001: A Space Odyssey, except you replace the space ship with America, you’ve still got so many other movies with the exact same thing happening, Terminator, The Matrix, I, Robot, that one unaired episode of the Jetsons where Rosie malfunctions and kills Elroy, the list goes on. And that’s really a shame because when I saw the previews I was very interested in enjoying the ride this flick was going to be. Enjoying the action of the good ol’ Hitchcock average guy caught up in international intrigue, while we slowly learn who’s behind, what they are doing, and then of course why they are doing it. Once it was revealed that Hal 9000 was behind it all my interest really just took a nose dive. It was like someone had a good idea, but couldn’t really think of a good reason why this all was happening so they just reused 2001 and called it a day. And look I’m all in support of movies stealing from one another. Quentin Tarantino has proven this is a good way to make awesome movies. But you have to take the idea and make it yours, not just take the idea and shove it in your plot so your movie has some place to go. Admittedly they made it political in nature, but that just means they mixed it with Dr. Strangelove too.

Admittedly this is the only way the movie fails (of course it is, as the kids are saying, an “epic fail”) The action is suspenseful and cool, TheBeouf and Monaghan have good chemistry and sell their respective predicaments, and the political intrigue works well, if you can get your mind to ignore the super computer thing (and you have to really want to ignore it).

So if you don’t care about stupid, trite, hackneyed, stilted, clichéd, unimaginative pseudo-twist that ruined this movie for me, you should enjoy the flick. TheBeouf is still great and has plenty of potential. Hopefully he’ll be in movie that isn’t an affront to the annals of cinema.

Rating: 5/10

Review: Burn After Reading

2008-09-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

Oh man how I love the Coen Brothers. And this film is another reason why. This spy story sifting with stupidity is by far the funniest movie I have seen this year. The writing/directing pair have crafted another great film that blurs the line of the genres it lifts from. It’s bleak, it’s funny, it’s spiteful, all while simultaneously being and not being a typical spy thriller. Just thinking about it now makes me smile and want to see it again soon. Also how can you not love that poster?

So the movie is about a recently terminated CIA analyst Osborne Cox (John Malkovitch) who decides to spend his retirement drinking and writing some memoirs (which he overly pronounces the French). Through a series of follies some of these writings end up in the hands of two gym employees, super naïve, over exuberant Chad Feldheimer (Brad Pitt) and Linda Litzke (Francis McDormand) who is trying to both find the money to get a bunch of plastic surgery done and find someone through a dating website. They believe this to be highly sensitive information, which they can use as leverage to get some quick cash. Meanwhile, very cold Mrs. Cox (Tilda Swinton) is quickly divorcing her unemployed husband for Harry Pfarrer (George Clooney) who despite also being married and boning Mrs. Cox, trolls internet match sites for other partners as well, including Linda Litzke. And this sets up the story, and, because this is a Coen Brother’s flick, nothing goes right for anyone. I’ll let the film itself take you on its various twists and turns.

A cloak and dagger plot comprised of nothing but morons. Again this is an immensely funny movie with superb performances all around. Clooney and Pitt steal the show with their very different brands of idiots. Malkovitch is great as a pedantic, smug asshole who becomes increasingly frustrated with being fired, being divorced, and having two idiots blackmail him. And then there is the fabulous Tilda Swinton and Francis McDormand who both turn great roles. Also Richard Jenkins and J.K. Simmons have great small roles as CIA higher-ups who are just trying to figure out what the hell’s going on with this cast of characters while still maintaining their distance.

Sure, there are some minor issues. The story takes awhile before the real laughs start coming. They spend some time pushing the boulder up the hill, but then it starts slowly gaining momentum, and soon it’s speeding past the trees, crashing into the little German village below, killing many and completely destroying much of their livelihoods (in this metaphor destruction of a German town signifies enjoyment, and the speed of the boulder is laughter, or something like that, I really stopped paying attention halfway into it). Another thing is that there is no one to root for. These characters are so horrible or so stupid that you have no one to truly empathize with. Malkovitch’s character is too pompous and abrasive. McDormand’s is blindly obsessed with vanity that she becomes more pitied. And while Clooney’s character is certainly endearing, he hardly is involved enough to be the true protagonist of the film. Because of this it could be easy to feel that this film has no heart, like Marge Gunderson was in Fargo. But then again this isn’t a film about heart. This is a film about idiocy. And the fact that this was a cinematic Tin Man didn’t bother me. I don’t think it takes away from the film and it certainly doesn’t from the comedy. Now the only other thing is that with Emmanuel Lubezki (Children of Men) working the camera and the Coens behind it I was hoping for greater visuals. I mean these three have shown utter brilliance in cinematography, and while the film looks fantastic it just wasn’t anything to fawn over, like some of their other films. Though, this is hardly a fair complaint, and it’s possible that I was too busy watching the movie that I wasn’t really watching the camerawork, but still something to bring up.

Highly recommend it. It ranks high amongst the Coen's best work, which pretty much means it's one of the greatest ever made. If you’re a fan of the Coen’s other comedies than this is right up your alley. And if you’re not a fan of the Coen’s other comedies why the hell are you watching movies? Why aren’t you getting a CAT scan to figure out what sort of mental deformities (plural) that you must have? Oh, and why you’re there can you do me a favor and swipe some gauze and morphine?

Rating 8.5/10

Crazy 4 Cult 2

2008-08-29T10:44:00.001-07:00

Last Friday was the opening night for art show Crazy 4 Cult 2: This Time It’s Personal at LA’s Gallery 1988, which also brought us the original Crazy 4 Cult as well as the classic videogame related I am 8-bit. Now I didn’t have the chance to attend as a trip to LA general requires things like money, but I’m not disappointed. I mean just because it’s a gathering of fans of the greatest cult films to see artwork related to said films. And just because it was hosted by one of my favorite writer/directors (in that order) Kevin Smith and his überproducer Scott Mosier. And because the first Crazy 4 Cult featured some appearances by indie greats Richard Kelly (Donnie Darko) and Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead). Doesn’t necessarily mean I wanted to be there or would’ve done anything to do so. Anyway, from stealing off their website here are a few of my favorite pieces. be sure to check out the rest of the work here http://www.crazycult2.blogspot.com/, there may still be a few pieces left to buy.

Review: Tropic Thunder

2008-08-24T23:38:00.000-07:00

This is a funny a movie. It had some truly great performances. And its mockery of the Hollywood industry really hit some high notes. But still this movie was a disappointment. That is because throughout the film you see the etchings of a much greater movie hidden within, a movie that two generations later people will still be discovering and passing on. Instead what we get is merely a funny movie, one that will be greatly quoted for six months and enjoy a healthy stay on Netflix’s rental queue and then slowly fade away.

Tropic Thunder chronicles the making of a Vietnam War movie. Unfortunately the untried director is having trouble handling his stars, a fading action star, a drug addled comedian, an Academy Award winner in blackface, a rapper turned brand name, and… some other guy, which is making his film fall behind schedule, go over budget, and having the producers threatening his nutsack (is “nutsack” two words?). So to get the shots and acting he needs in time he decides to put all the actors in the jungle away from all their handlers and assistants, and shoot the thing guerilla style with help from the Vietnam Vet who wrote the book and the FX guy. Unfortunately things take a wrong turn and the actors find themselves combating Asian drug smugglers at first thinking it’s part of the movie. So think Three Amigos. Or Galaxy Quest. Or A Bug’s Life. But with more satire on Hollywood.

The film is funny. Robert Downey Jr., as the Academy Award Winner, does a superb job of a guy who is just way into his role (hence the advanced blackface to play the platoon’s African-American sergeant). Ben Stiller, as the action star (as well as director and co-writer of the actual film), is also phenomenal as a guy who is just trying way too hard. I have also found new respect for Tom Cruise (actually make that any respect) who plays the hard-balled (is “hard-balled” hyphenated?) movie producer. And while a minor role I’d also like to give some props to SNL cast member Bill Hader who was just comedic perfection as Cruise’s right hand man. Jay Baruchel, as the aforementioned some other guy, does a good job as the always underrated straight man of the film, even if his character is a little too convenient for the movie. And Brandon Jackson, as the rapper, does okay with the little material he is given. Jack Black, as the comedian, does not fair so well. In fact the man has only one funny thing in the entire flick, I mean it’s definitely one of the funniest, but it’s still his only one, despite numerous efforts.

But it’s not really the performances that prevent Tropic Thunder from becoming more than a summer smash (again, other than Jack Black’s), it’s mostly in this film’s difficulty finding it’s voice, like a young boy going through puberty, with his nubile body sprouting curly black hairs in new places completely ruining the appeal. It’s kind of like they filled a shotgun with a variety of jokes and didn’t care where they landed in the story, and not in the good way like a Marx Brothers movie. Their subtle and sometimes glaringly awkward references to various other Vietnam movies faired ok. However, their parodies are uninspired and unnecessary, such as mocking the multiple Murphy movie The Nutty Proffesor II: The Klumps (I mean when you parody fart humour with fart humour, you really don’t accomplish much) or the seven second Russell Crowe is Australian/wins awards/punches people joke, which sets up Downey’s character, but no other allusions of this nature to his real life counterpart are in the film, other than the occasional Aussie reference, which were horrible jokes anyhow (though some were saved by Downey’s responses). But while their parodies were shallow, their satires were great when they actually took the time to expound on them, like Cruise’s so-mean-he-intimidates-drug-lords producer or a brilliant and inspiring conversation on how an actor never goes “full retard” for a role. But the ones they didn’t really bother to develop, like Jackson’s rapper, Alpo Chino, (say it aloud) becoming nothing more than a marketing tool for his energy drink and power bar (get Booty Sweat and Bust-a-Nut today!), deserved better than their single scene occurrences. There was just so much material floating in the air that they never pinned down. You get the sense that the movie lost a lot of weight in the editing room for the sake of just putting in the jokes. Which is probably why when Jack Black’s character has a breakdown at the end of the film over why he feels the needs to take drugs, you don’t even care. Because the movie never took the time establish this. While Stiller’s character’s breakdown is more acceptable because they took the time to build it up first, not just throwing it at us. Oh, and then there was just weird thing about how the writer of the book wasn't really in Vietnam that didn't lead anywhere; it was comepletely asanine to exist in the movie.

As such we (or probably just me) are left unsatisfied. We see where the jokes and character development could’ve gone, but because of the cutting the parts they left in just feel flat and wasteful. And just on a side note, Matthew McConaughey, who plays Stiller’s agent, really weirded me out in this picture. I mean, I’ve always kinda given him a free pass because I mean, c’mon, he was Wooderson. But for some reason his presence really angered me. I really don’t know why. I guess maybe because it was a good chance to put someone good in a small role and it was wasted on him, and that he should stick to cringe worthy (is cringe worthy two words?) romantic comedies with what should’ve been Goldie Hawn’s abortion (Kate Hudson for you playing at home) and piss-poor (again, hyphenated?) action/adventure flicks. I really don’t know where I was going with that, just something I felt like sharing.

So again, the movie works for laughs, but it could’ve been better and you sense it all while you’re watching it. Instead of worthy satire, you get what will probably be the best movie in the future Stiller/Black movie boxset (one word?).

Rating: 6/10

10 Great Cinematic Sociopaths

2008-07-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

In honor of the Joker, who truly sets the bar for crazy society upheaving id, I'm going to run down some other superb psychopaths on film.

10. Francis Begbie (Trainspotting)

If Renton is right and the Scottish are the “most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization”, Francis “Franco” Begbie somehow manages to ooze below that bar. In a film of heroin junkies, Franco stands out as a beyond horrible person. His addiction is not smack, but violence and hurting people. He glees at the girl bleeding from the recent head wound or at any opportunity for a violent altercation. He is a uncaring and unsympathetic man, who sucks down everyone around him in his world of horrid. Even when Renton has kicked the habit, living clean and legitimate in London, it is Franco’s arrival, needing a place to hide from cops, that sends Renton back on self destructive habit.

Defining Moment: Tossing his empty beer glass over his shoulder to haphazardly start a bloody bar fight because, you know, nothing else was going on.

9. Mickey and Mallory Knox (Natural Born Killers)

As the title suggest this pair just likes to kill, plain and simple. Though I suppose it is important for a married couple to do things together.

Defining Moment: Escaping from jail and doubling their body count on live TV.

8. Henry (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer)

Forced to watch his mom have sex with her clients, sometimes while dressed up as a girl, Henry finally snaps and murders her, though it’s very possible this a lie as he switches how he murdered her from strangulation to stabbing to shooting. The man doesn’t seem to take joy in killing or show an uncontrollable need to do it, but he is practiced in it enough to know how to school a friend in the finer art of avoiding detection.

Defining Moment: Proving in the final scene that he will always be a monster no matter what.

7. Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men)

The Coen Brothers have a knack for creating men who are a personification of unstoppable evil, and Anton Chigurh will no doubt be the most remembered of their chilling antagonists. Sure there’s the haircut, and of course the killing, but it’s more than that that makes him standout. It’s his demented smile when he’s strangling a cop with his handcuffs. It’s his unique use of killing with an air gun. It’s him sparing people’s lives based on the fate of the coin flips. These are the things that shock you when you first see it happen. That make veteran sheriff Tommy Lee Jones retire. That stick in your mind hours later, as you dreamily think about what he’s like in bed… uh… I mean… what?

Defining Moment: Killing the men who just hired him for no apparent reason.

6. Tommy Devito (Goodfellas)

It’s a sad case really. Being in an organization above the law he has a lot of freewill to just do what he wants. And he is in a constant state to prove his machismo against all the other mobsters to show how tough he is. Throw in a rather choleric persona, and we have a recipe for a lot of unnecessary and angry killings. Murdering on whims, keeping everyone around you so frightened they are afraid to compliment you less it be taken in the wrong way, and no one calls him on this. They are only pissed they have to keep on digging graves. He really is someone to be pitied. Poor, poor man.

Defining Moment: Killing the kid he previously shot in the foot while making him dance, because he sassed him.

5. Max Cady (Cape Fear)

I am of course talking about Robert Mitchum’s pitch perfect bad guy, not Robert DeNiro’s surprisingly inferior one. It’s practically awe inspiring how methodical this man gets in torturing the family of Gregory Peck’s Sam Bowden, the man who testified, putting him away. He stewed in prison learning the law in order to take his revenge within the letter of what is legal or at the very least to leave no evidence. The man instills fear, watching the family as they go bowling, hanging outside the daughter’s school, poisoning the family dog. And then he is able to file suit against the cops for harassment and provoke Gregory Peck into assaulting him. The man is frightening, of course being helped by Bernard Hermann’s spectacular leitmotif helps.

Defining Moment: The psychological torture of giving a mother the choice to have sex with him or allow her daughter to be raped, which he has no fear of reprisal because he doesn’t think Bowden would put his daughter on the stand to relive the experience, is the clincher.

4. Vic Vega (Reservoir Dogs)

Everything unravels during a caper for the hip criminals in Quentin Tarantino’s directorial debut. It is believed that one them is a cop and no one knows who to trust. Everyone’s a suspect. That is except for Mr. Blonde, because no one seems to think that a cop would go on an unnecessary shooting spree during the robbery (though to be fair if they hadn't done what he told them not to do, they'd still be alive). And certainly not be so calm about it to right afterward to grab a Kahuna burger, some fries, and a drink. Or you know kidnap a cop to torture. Mr. White is disgusted with him and with Joe for putting him on a job with the whack job. It takes a special breed of sick for cop killers to be pissed-off at just being in your presence.

Defining Moment: Everyone knows the scene. He starts off saying he doesn’t care what the cop says, he’s going to be tortured because “it’s amusing for [him] to torture a cop”. A jig to “Stuck in the Middle with You” by Stealers Wheel and a pan later, Vic Vega is talking into the cop’s dismembered ear and about to set him on fire.

3. Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)

Sure the man has an unquenchable urge to kill and revels in blood, but it’s this dude’s vanity that is the scariest thing. The man is on the burst of tears for fear he won’t get a good table at a restaurant, does hundreds of crunches and is on an anorexic diet, despite having Christian Bale's body, and feels the need the kill a fellow employee because people think he has a superior business card. He is so wrapped in the shallow New York business world of the 80s of bigger and better and flaunting it, the fact that he uses the murdered business partner’s apartment as rather messy treasure trove of Saran wrapped dissected bodies and has a carving utensils at the ready is the less disturbing thing. Though not be a whole lot. And on a side note, how does a nude man who chases a screaming and bloody prostitute with an equally bloody and screaming chainsaw through an apartment building not attract anyone’s attention? I mean at least someone yelling at them to keep it down.

Defining Moment: Enjoying his reflection in the mirror, while fucking two women.

2. Frank Booth (Blue Velvet)

God this guy is sick. And so creepy. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared of a fictional character than I was of Frank Booth. And not just that this guy would gut me like a fish or put on lipstick and kiss me at a moment’s notice, but also because I was scared for him. I mean the dude really needs help. He has issues in that freaky way only David Lynch would think of and Dennis Hopper could pull off. And the guy manages to control everyone around him with no more than ballsy intimidation, forcing himself into someone’s home, making Kyle MacLachlan ride around and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon with him, and gently coercing a woman to be a party to his demented sex after kidnapping her husband and son. A true inspiration to the children.

Defining Moment: Inexplicitly switching from helpless infant to drug crazed sadist in one hell of a sex scene.

1. Alex DeLarge (A Clockwork Orange)

In a list full of sickos, murderers, sexual deviants, and people addicted to violence, it takes someone with a special characteristic on top of all that to true shine above. Alex DeLarge is that someone. Yes, the others murder and rape without remorse like he does, taking upmost happiness in pain and blood, but none of the others on this list reached their peak sociopathic tendencies at the age of 14. Stanely Kubrick’s adaptation of Anthony Burgess’s stunning world of a future of roving with teenage gangs doing what they will to whoever they will can send shivers down the most hardened spine. I mean this kid is so horrible Burgess had to invent a whole new word to describe his heightened level of depravity: ultra-violence. But it the scary idea isn’t that a kid who’s balls have just sprouted hair can do these things, it’s that the film tells us because it is his choice, it is better than an automation just doing what is right. You tell them that during your next murder trial.

Defining Moment: A stunning rendition of “Singin’ in the Rain” whilst violently crippling a man before gang-raping his wife.

Review: Hancock

2008-07-02T23:54:00.000-07:00

This is a very adult superhero movie. And I don’t mean in that Will Smith finally shows us his penis (don’t worry we’ll get him someday), no I mean in the characters and problems everything is more mature than what we’ve seen in the superhero flicks of yore. Yes, yes, we’ve seen conflicted superheroes and ones with troubled pasts, but the entire tone of this movie is less sugary than even Batman Begins. Also there is a whole Hancock being an allegory for America or whatever.

So John Hancock (Will Smith) is a drunk, brazen, and careless superhero. When he is stopping crime and saving lives it is largely with a great amount of destruction and his people skills are unrefined to say the least. So the public is clamoring for him to straighten up or simply to just go away. These taunts and suggestions fell on the superhero’s deaf ears, that is until he saves the life of a public relations worker (Jason Bateman) who in return wants to help Hancock improve his public image, much of the chagrin of his wife (Charlize Theron, not mentally retarded this time) who holds the same view as the majority of the people. So Hancock tries to clean up his act all while dealing with his troubling mysterious past.

As I said this cape movie is more adult. Hancock’s, in fact all the character’s, actions and emotions are well crafted believable representations of who they are and what they feeling based on what’s happening to them. Hancock as an uncaring drunk, stemming from his pressure as a hero, alienation of his powers from the rest of the world, and uncertain past is I think a genius turn on the superhero story. Bateman’s character as a slightly naïve altruistic PR rep, works well with Smith’s cynicism and general id response. And it’s humorous to see this interplay of what is essentially the ability to do anything and doing the greater good for the world that these two characters can represent. And after this Freudian struggle the movie then delves into the problems of Hancock’s past. And this is where I feared the movie would become trite and unsatisfying, but it did not disappoint. It still chose to defy superhero conventions and bring about an unexpected road that provides, again, a real adult manifestation. Humor, drama, action, characters, especially characters, this movie has quite the tidy little package of entertainment.

Still, I have some qualms. I am theoretical about how his powers in relation to his past work, as it is not specifically stated. And there are parts that seem a tad contradictory because of this. Maybe more detail about this would solve the problem, and it’s not a huge detail without, but can be a little irksome and confusing. The only other issue is: boy does this director like close-ups. I mean at least half of the movie was Smith’s, Bateman’s, or Theron’s head taking up the entire movie screen. I haven’t seen this much huge face in frame since Hard Candy (that’s not really a joke, it’s just that Hard Candy also had a lot of headshots too).

So good, entertaining, and very, very smart. You’ll come for the Smith, you’ll stay for the character development.

Rating: 9/10

Review: WALL-E

2008-07-02T23:49:00.001-07:00

I never thought a robot would give me so much enjoyment or pleasure. Least not until they perfect sexbots and they are out on the market long enough to be at an affordable price. I mean I’m not shilling out top dollar for complete anatomical correctness while my hand and five-dollar Mexican hookers work fine. Where was I? Ah, yes reviewing a children’s film. Anyway that lovable little titular robot has the ability to warm any icy heart with his antics.

WALL-E is a stupendous flick. It is one of the top Pixar flicks (right now I’m placing it behind Finding Nemo), which means it can hold its own against some the greatest of all time. Basically, WALL-E tells the story of WALL-E lonely robot, looking like a miniaturized Number 5 from Short Circuit, who is searching for companionship. But instead of putting the moves on Ally Sheady causing some weird robo/homo love triangle with Steve Gutenberg, he finds love in EVE, looking like what a penguin would look like if designed by Mac, who was built to find life on Earth if it should ever become suitable to sustain life again. Oh yeah now’s a good time to mention the B-plot. Apparently in the future we trash our planet so much we must abandon it by shipping out and cruising space in large space cruise ship, where we become morbidly obese and absorbed only our digital screens for entertainment (where do these writers come up with this fantastical stuff?) So EVE sees the plant that WALL-E discovered and returns it to the space cruise ship, but returning to Earth is not so easy. Apparently the CEO/President of Earth figured the planet was hopeless now and told the auto-pilot, played HAL 9000 in his big return to the screen, to disregard any return home. So EVE, WALL-E, and the captain, whom upon learning of the past splendors of Earth and the horrible state we left realizes we must return to fix, must overcome the odds and protect life on Earth as we know it.

Pixar really shows its strength in animation and storytelling here by its use of silent robots as characters and still being able to create recognizable characteristics. Even with small part robot characters you can easily describe what their personality is by the small dalliances in their actions. It’s a mark of their visual mastery and the ability to convey exactly what they need to, to the audience. Live action movies should make an attempt to prefect their character's like Pixar does. Along with that the animation is wonderful. Even the horrible, dank, dusty, rusty Earth that fills the first half-hour is splendidly crafted. As I’m sure you can tell by the trailer, WALL-E is adorable. He appeals to the lonely auto matron in all of us. His antics, selflessness, and desire for love is very reminiscent of Charlie Chaplin’s Tramp character. And they do a very good job of giving you a lesson and not being heavy handed about it all.

So yadda yadda yadda it’s a great flick and you should go see it. Though I’d imagine if you have kids or a girlfriend they’ll be dragging you to it. And if you don’t have either of them, then you might just consider just staying home and wait for those sexbots I mentioned (I know I will).

Rating: 8/10

Review: Wanted

2008-07-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

Ok so I read the comic book that this film was based on. When I started looking into exactly what Wanted was about (other than the stupidity that is curving a bullet) and saw that the source material was about a pseudo amalgamation existence of Fight Club and The Matrix, where your life is shit and just go through with it and are noe satisfied and are dogged by the norms of society and are hoping and could even sense something greater out there (also known as your regualr pathetic existence), but instead of discovering everything is a computer program or that you are schizophrenic, you find out you have an awesome power and are destined to be a part of a group that does whatever they want, takes whatever they want, with no consequences and you are freed from your shitty life, and are also looking into who killed your father, it interested me. Basically a superhero origin story, but instead of saving people you do whatever it is you ever wanted. I mean even few villains are like that, they’re either fighting for a purpose or have a vendetta or something. So the character possibilities seemed interesting. Now admittedly the comic book couldn’t quite pull it off, but the idea was still interesting brain food. So naturally what the movie did was take all that was interesting about the book drop that and ending up with a flat idea that wasn’t pulled off very well.

As I sort of stated the plot is a about a guy who hates his shitty life, but then discovers he is super talented (in this case he has perfect aim and other stuff) and is destined to be a part of a group of assassins that his father belonged to before he was offed. So he does this and changes and stuff.

Ok so here’s where the movie sucks. Instead of s group of villains who secretly seized power to do whatever they WANTED (huh? huh? anyone know where that’s from? know what the title means, but is now pointless no that the plot was changed?) it’s a group of altruistic assassins who kill people based on what a loom tells them. Why? Who knows? It's fate that creates anomalies in the fabric as binary code that is then translated into names (of course this was discovered hundreds of years back when binary was really big). So the most interesting part is taken away, but that’s alright they changed it up a bit, whatever it could still work. No. No it can't. James McAvoy’s character (I forget his name) is a pussy, but when he is confronted by five trained killers with guns and is shown his power and offered a way out of the life he hates he decides to turn his gun on the them threatening them and escaping, but when he sees his father’s inheritance in his bank account (something the killers told him about) he suddenly becomes a man and tells off his boss and lays the smack down on his friend before going back to the league. Does this character change seem a bit odd? I guy who’s pissing his pants while riding in his car and can’t talk back to his boss suddenly decides to turn a gun on a room of assassins who know he is a pants-pissing pussy? And the moment he realizes he might prefer this new destined life his father had as opposed to being shit upon by his work and cheated on by his girlfriend is seeing the extra three million is father left him? I mean at that point it’s his anyway, so why change now? It’s just stupid (but not as stupid as curving bullets). But from there his training is pretty cool (except with curving bullets) sort of like La Femme Nikita, but not as cool. But soon there is some retarded plot twist and things sort of go bad as he hunts for his father’s killer (That’s not true! That’s impossible! [did you get the hint?]).

Now where I was looking for this film to be in any way good was in the action. But alas that even disappoints. It ranges from cool to mediocre to making no sense at all (but not as little sense as curving bullets). In fact the only truly awesome part was when Angelina Jolie spins a car around with the passenger’s door ajar and tucks McAvoy inside. And I’ll admit that was sweet, but that’s about it. And speaking about Jolie there is a part where she is on the hood of the car in a dress with her legs on either side of McAvoy’s head and we are not even serviced with a crotch shot. What is that about? And it’s not like it’s a gratuitous crotch shot, it would actually be applicable to story and scene.

So a lack luster comic with an awesome premise is hacked of its premise and transformed into a bad movie. Take a pass.

Rating: 4/10

Review: Get Smart

2008-07-02T23:40:00.000-07:00

I never saw the TV show, but I definitely want to now. Especially now knowing it was the spawn of Mel Brooks and some other dude. But that has no bearing on the movie which is a clever spy movie with laughs. It never reaches hilarious comic levels and seems to lack satire that I’ve heard the original show had, but it’s still pretty good.

Maxwell Smart (Steve Carrell) is a analyst for a spy organization who desperately wants to be a field agent and when the evil equivalent of his agency compromises all other field agents he gets promoted and is partnered with Agent 99 (Anne Hathaway) who just had cosmetic surgery and is therefore not compromised either. So they must stop the evil organization of its nefarious plot of terror and extortion all while having sexual tension.

This may be odd, but I felt Get Smart worked better as a clever spy flick than it did as a comedy. Not to say it failed in the comedy area, because it was indeed funny (though some of Steve Carrell’s “Yes. Yes. No.” sense of irony is a tad trying sometimes). It just seemed to be about the spying first and humor second. Maybe this how the show did it or whatever. And I’m not saying this is a bad thing because it still makes a good movie, but I was expecting it to be more satirical. In fact only the war room scene achieved this and it was certainly the funniest part of the flick.

But a humorous and clever spy flick aside, it still had its flaws mostly in writing. I may be nitpicking on a simple movie but Agent 99 not wanting to start a relationship because she’d been hurt before is a little easy, though the cosmetic surgery angle added an interesting subtext. Also jokes that Smart was once fat were sprinkled throughout, which were tiresome, because they weren’t funny. And there was a completely unnecessary double cross. But like I said I’m probably just nitpicking a simple film.

Some sort of conclusion where I say I wouldn’t mind recommending this movie.

Rating: 6.5/10

Review: Kung Fu Panda

2008-06-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

This was a good flick. It’s cute. It’s funny. Great animation (not Pixar great, but the best I’ve seen from Dreamworks). And despite its typical underappreciated-loser-craving-for-greatness-is-thrust-unto-an-arduous-path-to-fulfill-his-destiny story, the fanboy aspect of it is a novel twist to it that at I least I haven’t seen yet. Still, even the quality of the flick doesn’t make up for the marketing for it. I was hating this movie three months ago when Jack Black was telling me to turn off my cell phone before the movie started. But don’t let the ad nauseum advertizing stop you from seeing the film (unless you are boycotting it to send some sort of message to the marketers then more to you, they must be feeling your rebellious sting by now).

So we meet our portly panda protagonist Po (Jack Black) who dreams about being an awesome warrior as opposed to working in his father’s noodle shop. He owns the action figures to the Furious Five, China’s greatest warriors, and has nerdom knowledge of their exploits and the legends of all of the past Kung Fu greats. Well, some evil leopard is prophesized about escaping his imprisonment and the Dragon Warrior must be chosen in order to defeat him. Naturally it is assumed that one of the Furious Five, Monkey, Viper, Mantis, Crane, or Tigress (all based on actual Kung Fu techniques), will be chosen, but Po is chosen much to the chagrin of the Five and Master Shi Fu (Dustin Hoffman) in charge of training him. So the training and hostility begins and a fat panda must overcome the odds and defeat the most feared martial artist in the land.

By now you know the CGI kids film by now and Kung Fu Panda does not deviate from the good time and humour you probably expect. It lacks the inside adult jokes that the Shrek series had, but that doesn’t mean it’s not funny. In fact Jack Black is funnier than he’s been in a long time. Again the story’s trite, but it’s a kid’s film so there not exactly going to try to reinvent the wheel here, even if Pixar and Miyazaki are. Anyway the main moral that the push is: fat people can do stuff, which of course is complete bullshit. But they try to fill little kids heads with dreams of glory and accomplishment so they learn the hard way how pathetic they are. Still, it’s a good movie. Dustin Hoffman does awesome voice-over work as Shi Fu. I mean truly great. I mean I never thought I’d dick ride celebrity voice-over work, but here I am. Black, James Hong (Po’s father), Seth Rogen (Mantis), and David Cross (Crane) also get props for their work. But that being said there wasn’t a whole lot to the other celebrity players, especially Jackie Chan. I mean on paper Jackie Chan as a kung fu monkey is an awesome idea, but when he only gets three lines it defeats the purpose, and it’s not like he’s doing the fighting either. So there’s that.

So good flick and entertaining. Admittedly I am backhanding this movie a little by saying it’s no Pixar, but it does fall short of the caliber film that studio has been making for over a decade, so I’m just being honest.

Rating: 6.5/10

Review: The Incredible Hulk

2008-06-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

First off, I’ve never been really interested in the Hulk, even if he is so incredible. I get it. Jekyll/Hyde story but this time Hyde’s not evil, but instead just primal and huge and green. That being said, I was never really anticipating the Hulk on the screen. Also I never saw Ang Lee’s attempt at the green monster so I can’t compare the versions. But all that aside, The Incredible Hulk is not a bad flick. Unfortunately it’s also not a good flick. It does a fine job of straddling mediocrity (like your mom straddling the mailman). The movie never really engages you completely, but then again does not send you away fully disappointed (also like your mom).

So after a brief pretty montage of what created the Hulk and why he’s on the run (science go bad/alter state/man becomes danger) we find Dr. Robert Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) hiding from the US government, trying to control the beast within, and finding a cure to his malady with the help of an online buddy (not the creepy kind). With online buddy’s help he’s close to a cure, but needs to go back home to access the files of the project to perfect a possible antidote, evade the ever tightening noose of the government lead by his girlfriend’s general father and Mr. Orange, and copulate with Steven Tyler’s daughter, all while keeping the Hulk inside him at bay and doing it in under two hours (three hours for the Extended “You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry” Director’s Cut). So the dude’s got a lot on his plate.

Really were the film almost fails is with the performances. Norton really fails to wow with anything he does. I mean you’d think a guy on the run who’s about to blow up at a moment’s notice would show more confliction. Liv Tyler has never been what I would consider “good”. She has just never seems to be able to emote and her portrayal as Dr. Elizabeth Ross is a shining example of that. And William Hurt’s General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross fades into the scenery being only outlined by the fact that he’s a huge dick, but even then you barely notice him. The only leads who give compelling performances are Tim Roth as Emil Blonsky/The Abomination and Tim Blake Nelson as Banner’s online buddy Samuel Sterns/The Leader. And the odd thing is while all the previous characters have intriguing character issues and ambiguity with torn loyalties and inner turmoil and whatnot, these guys are very stock. We have Emil Blonsky, the fading warrior who wants to recapture power, and Samuel Sterns, the offbeat scientist who wants to test the limits of ourselves. Nothing is new about these caricatures. We’ve seen them before. And yet both Roth and Nelson do such a good job selling them they seem fresh and daring. Of course there are other issues like the lazy creations of The Abomination and The Leader and the less than spectacular fight between the two large green monsters. I mean you’ve got two angry powerhouses, they hit big and destroy public property, but that’s about it. Their previous fight between the Hulk and Emil Blonsky injected with super-soldier serum. It pitted a huge hulking (hehe) beast against super agile hunter. It was awesome. So they can do the action right, just not all the time.

So that’s the movie. I don’t recommend it, but I also don’t advise you against it. It’s a fairly perfect blasé film that’s sort of worth your time. But even with that, the idea of an Avenger film with this incarnation of the Hulk is actually exciting and the last shot of the film really shows that the future of this franchise could be great.

Rating: 5/10

Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008-05-22T01:57:00.000-07:00

But first an anecdote: I saw the new Indy flick like the true fans did at a midnight showing. I was with My dorm and various other college associates. Suddenly, we grab one of our friends, throw him down the stairs (there were only like two), fake berate him with punches, and then hoist him over our shoulders and throw him down the hallway exit. Then one of my dorm mates, er... or rather I (oh hell he's not going to read this and challenge what really happened) then I turned to the stunned patrons and said, "No ticket." This of course, given the audience, was met by laughter and great applause as the players took a bow. Definitely one of my crowning achievements in geekdom.

Anyhoo, the movie blows donkey dicks. Ok, you can stop being petrified that was a dirty lie. Crystal Skull is unequivocally a true Indy flick. It should not disappoint. It's got the action, the mysticism, the character relations, the humour; everything we know and love and expect from Indiana Jones is there and great. In this humble bloggers opinion this outing was not a black-eye to the franchise, but rather a sturdy new pillar for which it to stay up upon decades more to come (so I mixed metaphors, fuck you, your missing the point, the movie's awesome). Admittedly there are one or two moments where you just want to ask, "Really?" (okay, fine there are three), but these grandiose elements of implausible heroism or whatever aren't too far fetched from typical Indy fair, and they certainly do not detract from the rest of the experience. Also one of the main characters seemed a bit hokey. But hey, no character is even continents close to the cringe worthy existence of Kate Capshaw from Temple of Doom.

As you can see this review is a short one, because what else is there to say? Great LaBeouf/Ford interaction? Great suspense? Great action? Intriguing and new plot? Spielberg has once again shown he is the king of the blockbuster? It's not necessary. Just know that the flick is awesome. A fine addition for Indy to hang his trade mark hat on.

Rating: 8/10

Dueling Iron Man Reviews

2008-05-01T22:47:00.001-07:00

Has he lost his mind? Can he see or is he blind? Can he walk at all, or if he moves will he fall? Is he alive or dead? Has he thoughts within his head? We' ll just pass him there. Why should we even care? These are just some of the issues brought up in the new Iron Man movie. Or at least they would be if Jon Favreau had listened to my idea of just turning the theatrical comic book adaptation into a two-hour long Black Sabbath joke to explode the minds of the fanboys in anger (me and Favreau... like this by the way [for those of you not upgraded to my mental blog, I crossed my middle and index fingers]). And while my idea would certainly be the greatest thing ever, the actual movie is not very far from that (for those searching through that mess of hyperbole and skewed unlisted dimensions, I basically said the movie was really great).

Yes, the movie is really great. Robert Downey Jr. is incredibly charming and witty and good-actingly in the role. I don't know if he's just really come into his own or he wasn't used right before or I just wasn't paying attention, but every flick I've seen this dude in in the past five years as been awesome, and he usually was the best thing in it. Iron Man is no exception from Tony Stark's smarmy lines that are so clever and quick that if Downey didn't do such a superb job selling it you wouldn't believe it possible (from anyone other than me of course) to even his sparse ethical dilemma emotional side, all are well done and none feel like they break from the character. And yes while this is Downey's show he does have a cast of supporting players. Gwyneth Paltrow's here as the alliteratively named love interest, but better than that. I was pleased to see that she didn't just merely slip in that archetype (Hollywood's name for stereotype). Her character, Pepper Potts, and Tony Stark clearly have and interest in each other, but with Stark's ego and the fact that she's his assistant and does practically everything for him not machine building related (even dismissing his one night stands) you can see that this relationship isn't about to take off soon and even when it does (like in the sequels we should be seeing) it won't be perfect. There's actually depth to this relationship you don't see in typical action blockbuster. Terrence Howard's military straight man performance to Downey's cool ass playboy can be overlooked, but some of the best stuff we see from Stark, both in funny lines and character emotion, come in the presence of Howard's character. He does something you don't usually see from the supporting cast of a superhero flick: they bring certain things out of the main character you wouldn't have seen otherwise without him, truly flushing out Stark as multi-dimensional. And finally we're brought to Jeffrey Lebowski err... Bridges as Stark's partner cum bad guy Obidiah Stane, which is pretty much my only complaint about the flick. Not that Bridges lacked in his performance. No, he does a great job as the snake-charming megalomaniac. My only beef (which I guess is kinda three) is that we're presented with a fairly B-list Iron Man villain, another business man evil doer that are all so popular especially in the last decade of superhero flicks (see: Norman Osborne, Harry Osborne, Lex Luther, Wilson Fisk, Max Shrek, yadda, yadda, yadda), and the fact that the superhero and the supervillain have the same power. Yeah, I know it says something about the duality of man, extremes of the world, or whatever, but I kind felt something missing when two people with the same power fight (one thing about the new Hulk movie I'm not exactly jonesing for).

So, the movies good. Downey's good. Second characters don't fall into cliche traps. And it's damn funny and entertaining. I'd say the second best superhero film that'll come out this year (don't dissapoint me Dark Kinght). Also as you can tell Stads beat me to this, but screw him, I'm doing it anyway. I'll teach him who does the movie reviews around here!

Rating: 8/10

Review: Iron Man

2008-05-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

-Editor's Note, I initially wrote this review, unaware that Shandeaux had also begun work on one, as he is more a film expert than I, I would recommend his before mine...but this was written, so go ahead and read it. Don't judge me, the Bible says not to-

I was recently given the opportunity to attend a pre-release of Iron Man, so I'm pleased to say that for once I can provide you with a review that is available to you the weekend the game/movie is released.

Now I know what most everyone is thinking I've seen so many Superhero movies and walked away disgusted, is it really worth dragging my lazy self to see it when I have GTA IV at home? Short answer: yes, yes it is. Don't misinterpret my words and assume I am not a fan of ol' Liberty City. I just don't think it should monopolize your entertainment time this weekend. The Superhero genre, has rapidly become just that, a genre. It used to just fit snugly into action, back in the days of Christopher Reeve. Like any genre, there are the bad ones: Catwoman, Elektra, there are the good ones: Spiderman, X Men, and of course they are the excellent ones: Batman Begins. Iron Man fits snugly into the middle, but has a slight edge above the average superhero movie.

That edge is better known as Mr. Roberty Downey Jr. Now, I was a comic book reader, but never really touched Iron Man, but from what I've been told, Stark is portrayed very accurately. Tony Stark seems to be the character Downey was made to play. I wouldn't even say it's great acting really, it's just who he is. Tony Stark is that billionaire, bachelor, inventor, that we all like to pretend we are at parties. He's that combination of genius and suave, that sadly does not really exist in a human, and can only be shown in movies. I was really afraid that the previews would be the achilles heel for this movie, as they often are for anything with comedy. Once you've seen the three funny parts and laughed, there is nothing left to the movie. Well that's not really the case. A lot of Downey's cleverly written dialogue is shown in the previews, but so much that it ruins my opinion of the movie. These clever little additions are what makes this movie a cut above the rest.

Supporting roles are decent, but vastly overshadowed by Downey. I have never understand any level of fascination in Gywneth Paltrow, I just have never really found her very attractive. But looks are not actually necessary for acting(in fact, its my personal theory, that the hotter the actress, the less the acting ability.) Paltrow compliments Downey well as his assistant Pepper Potts, doesn't sound comic-booky at all does it? Jeff "the dude" Bridges( puts in a fine performance as the sneaky villain Obadiah Stone(again, comics were made in the 80s), as strange as it is to see him out of a bath robe and slippers. This is the first I've seen of Terence Howard who plays Stark's Army liaison, and I'm guessing his sidekick in some sequel.

Marvel is shooting out these superhero movies like a pregnant irish woman, and they tend to be hit or miss. Some stories are just not meant to be on the big screen, and I really though Iron Man was one that would fail. But it is saved in form of Tony Stark. A last word to the wise, don't go expecting non-stop action, this is an origin movie, so it spends most of it's time setting up to that first real test of his abilities, which of course is the end of the movie. This shouldn't be seen as a bad thing, but you should also be prepared.

Rating: 8/10

Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core - PSP

2008-04-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

It has now been about three weeks since the initial release of Crisis Core so I think it's reasonable to assume all Final Fantasy VII addicts such as myself have already purchased the game. Therefore there's not really any point to appeal to those type of people at all, because they of the same mold who ran out and purchased Advent Children the second it came out on DVD, or if you're like me you found a bootleg copy of it in Japanese and watched it in subtitles(to this day, I have yet to see the American version). But with all those disappointments aside I really want anyone who enjoys a good handheld game to check this out.

For just a quick plot synopsis, the story-line follows SOLDIER member Zack Fair as he attempts to become SOLDIER 1st class and climb the corporate rank in Shinra Electric Company. (As a quick side note, why is SOLDIER capitalized? Is it an acronym for something? I would love for someone to enlighten me) The plot is amazing and seems to me to truly follow Final Fantasy VII guideline. Dirge of Cerberus may have had all the same characters, but it was just way too dark. Advent Children as well, really just had too much action packed in and no story at all. Contrasting both of Square's attempts to draw in the Final Fantasy VII crowd, Crisis Core actually has a good story. It's amazing for me to think that there was reason for me to buy this game, aside from really wanting to find out what happens to Zack. Throughout the game you watch Zack's life undergo a transformation that's as real as any crappy literature book I've had to analyze for an English class in High School. There is a small disadvantage to the story, in that, I really don't think you will enjoy it ask much if you are not a die-hard Final Fantasy VII fan. If you don't like Final Fantasy games, then this isn't the thing for you. Lifestream and Materia and all that jazz will just confuse the hell out of you. The soundtrack was incredible, and if it wasn't for the fact that it's 60 bucks on Amazon, I would definitely try to buy it. The story was so different in that, being a prequel, you knew exactly where it was going to end because you had already been there. So you don't play the game to get to the end, but to find out how you get to the end. To me, it was like playing a Quentin Tarantino movie.

I would almost go as far as to say that the gameplay falls under straight action, instead of an RPG. The battle system is essentially an improved version of Kingdom Hearts. The battle sequence is essentially initiated by running into an enemy instead of random twirling. Every time it happens in Crisis Core you hear this annoying voice say "Activating Combat Mode" which can get old fast, but it's still an improvement from the screen twirling in a circle like in the old days. Once the battle mode is engaged you are free to move around and fight which ever enemy you want to. The part I enjoyed most was the any slash to back of a foe counts as a critical hit. So you spend a lot of time trying to work around to the back to cause more damage. There's also a dodge button that can help you avoid even the most powerful attacks, which is amazing because it makes it so even a low leveled Zack can take out enemies way above him if you've mastered the battle system. But if physical combat isn't really your thing and you miss the customization days of old, no worries. Crisis Core upgrades the Materia with a Materia Fusion system, which enables you to create more Materia by combining items and old Materia. Eventually you can create a lighting spell that not only causes tons of damage but adds 50% to your health. Of course, you can also get very random results.

The strangest addition to the combat system, and what almost ruins it, is called the DMW, or Digital Mind Wave. Basically it looks like a three combination slot machine that is constantly rolling in the upper left corner of your screen. This basically handles any other Final Fantasy battle essential you can think of. It will level you up when hitting a certain combo, it also activated limit breaks and summons. I really did not like that the summons were random and could not be controlled. I learned to enjoy the DMW especially when it can randomly make you have no mp cost and such, but on the whole, especially starting out, it can be very annoying.

On to the problems, yes there are a few, as with any game. The main issue with this game, is that it's on the damn psp. I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who would argue to your death that the psp is the greatest portable system since the dawn of time, but I am not a fan. I have many reasons, but the main one is that the whole system just seems so fragile. Honestly, I just feel like it can break from just me playing it, and why the hell do I have to buy a memory card that only Sony makes? Aside from the system, the game is really pretty short. This is a horrible thing to complain about in a handheld I know, but I just finished it wanting more, so of course I'm playing it again in an attempt to beat virtually everything. The side quests of the missions can become incredibly repetitive to the point where only people who are really committed to beating the entire game will beat them, and this is coming from somebody who beat both Weapons in the original, a feat which took me over 80 hours. I think the game would be better if they had added in more side quests of sorts other than the missions. Like a submarine game or snowboarding perhaps?

In the end, I actually think hardcore Final Fantasy VII fans may be upset with this game. You are not going to enjoy the gameplay at all if you purchase the game expecting Final Fantasy VII. But if you purchase the game, expecting something new and original with that game's story, then you will no doubt enjoy this game. And again, I see no reason, why someone who just owns a psp(for whatever strange reason) and has never even played a final fantasy, would not enjoy this game, the plot would just seem very.... Japanese.

Rating 9/10

Review: 21

2008-03-30T23:01:00.000-07:00

21 opened number one at the box-office this weekend, so several people probably saw it. I was one of those people. Bottom line is the movie is a predictable fair, but worth your time.

The story is based on the MIT blackjack team chronicled in Bringing Down the House (the book not the white-people-and-black-people-are-comically-different Steve Martin/Queen Latifa[h?] movie). The story starts out with some kid (I forget his name) who is a nerd with nerdier friends. He is portrayed as the smartest in every class, is working on building robots, and appears to have never talked to a girl save his mom. Well, he's been accepted into Harvard Medical school, but needs the lots of money they charge. Enter his proffesor Kevin Spacey who invites him to join the blackjack team, which happens to have the girl of his dreams on it. After some apprehension he joins in order to gain the $300,000 he needs for school. He is then having the time of his life in Vegas, making money and getting close to his dream girl. In typical fare this leads to him ignoring his nerdier friends and then leads him to change and become cocky. Well his house of cards soon comes tumbling down, but he comes out in the end. Yadda yadda yadda.

While still being formulaic guy is loser becomes accepted rises gets the girl ignores friends changes crashes down learns lesson and then fixes everything coming out on top, it is not as painful as most. The break up with his nerd friends, his change in attitude, and his humility in apologizing later are handled better and more realistically compared to past scenes in similarlly structured films. Though that being said two decisions by characters practicully scream "PLOT DEVICE!" at the audience, but both are necessary for the film to work and are just the result of lazy writing. Kevin Spacey is his typical greastest-actor-alive self. Of course it's not like this role really challenges him and even when he turns evil (he's Kevin Spacey he has to change after there is twenty minutes left in the film; he either turns evil or grows a spine or turns out not to be an alien or something) there isn't much material for him to shine, but still he's good. In fact every actor turns a good fair from the main to the supporting (even the nerdier friends barely go over the top in their nerdom performances). The only when who didn't shine was Lawrence Fishburne. Not to say he was bad, but he didn't stand out. You could pretty much forget he was in the movie at all despite being the main antagonist for most of it.

Now I hadn't read the book, but I saw a history channel program detailing the events. While keeping the same premise it takes out the more realistic ideas of the team eventually failing, ruining the member's lives, and forcing the professor in charge going to Europe to countcards after being black barred from all American gambling establishments. Naturally the movie adds more of a plot and ends it on a brighter note. So it's a good popcorn flick. Again you could guess what's going to happen at every turn, but it's done well and I'd recommend it if you got nothing better to see.

Rating: 6/10

Review: Be Kind Rewind

2008-03-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

Wow. Rarely does my movie meter fail me on what I believe will be quality films. I mean I listed this as one of my most anticipated films to come out this year. But I was way off. This movie was horrible. A terrible, terrible movie with almost no redeeming values.

Ok, so the premise is Jack Black gets magnetized and erases all the VHS tapes at his friend Mos Def's local rental store. So they decide to remake the films their customers want to see, leading to a boon in business and them becoming local celebrities. First of all the whole concept of Jack Black getting magentized by getting electricuted when he tries to shut down the local power plant becaue apparently it's sending microwaves into our brains making us do stuff (I realize this conspiracy theory sounds like I'm leaving something out, but that is almost verbatim as he describes) is a tad contrived (not to mention illogical), but I was willing to overlook that if the film was up to snuff. Again, it's not. The flick doddles on leaving you very uninterested for the first twenty minutes giving you time to question whether or not Mos Def and Jack Black are supposed to be portraying mentally challenged characters or not (or if they aren't supposed to be, but just come off like it that's what I came up with). But I endured hoping that when we actually started "sweding" movies (term created by the characters for what they are doing) the film would actually pick up. Indeed my assumptions were correct. Their remake of Ghostbusters was by far the funniest thing in the movie from what they get totally wrong to how they try and recreate it with no money and two people. Some of the other flicks rehashed also bring a chuckle from Rush Hour 2 to 2001: A Space Odyssey. But the other ten films shown being "sweded" only average seven seconds of film time and thus we can't truly enjoy them save a single shot references. And this only truly funny thing or premise in the movie starts thirty minutes in and stops less than twenty or so after that. The rest is filled with unexpanded love interests, and the need to modernize the store, and injuctions from the copyright people or whatever. But the mahority is taken up by the history of Fats, a jazz musician who was born in the video store, but not really because that's a lie told to Mos Def, but that's ok becuase the whole town decides to accept the lie when they make a documentary about him.

I'm not exactly sure what message Michel Gondrey was trying to present to us, but it seems like we were supposed to walk away with something, possibly that the streamlined is not the best and we should regress to simpler times, or that deluding ourselves with a lie is the best solution, or that two retards trying to make movies is somewhat funny. Whatever it is the flick is not worth your time and money. Even when it comes out on DVD and a friend of yours buys it and wants to watch it with you, don't do it. It's a trap. Leave quickly before they attempt another attack on your life.

Rating: 2/10

Lost Odyssey Review

2008-03-06T11:05:00.000-08:00

When I was your age we used to walk for two and half miles through the snow to buy our video games...

That about sums up Lost Odyssey, a dying genre from a dying age. I guess what they are calling this type now is Japanese Role Playing Game, or JRPG for all you acronym lovers out there. We needed a way to differentiate between this type of RPG and the Mass Effect kind of beautifully done RPG with much more interaction. I purchased this game longingly remembering the "good ol' days" of power-houses like Final Fantasy VII and Chrono Trigger. It had been so long since a good 'JRPG' on a console that I owned I thought this is what I really craved to play. I thought I wanted a rich really long story. I thought that a four disc game would be amazing. I also once thought that eating play-doh would be enjoyable. The simple truth being, sometimes we don't know what we really want.

The game follows the character Kaim Argonar who is mysteriously the only person left alive after a massive meteor crashes in the middle of a battle between two countries, killing thousands of soldiers, who I feel I must add, wear the craziest looking helmets I have ever seen. Seriously, I understand that need to create a fantasy appeal, but those guys just look ridiculous. Early on in the game you discover that you are an immortal being who has lost all of his memories, and you spend the first disc trying to get them back. The first disc is about ten hours long and it's safe to say that you spend at least 7 hours of that in cut-scenes.

Lost Odyssey to me can be summed into one simple word "mediocrity". No aspect of the game is terrible, but no aspect of the game really excels. The game play is average, the storyline is average, the graphics are average, the score....you get the point. To spice up that battle sequence a little bit more, the game adds these rings that you have to line up while fighting something. It really doesn't do much. Nothing in this game really excels to make it anything more than slightly noticeable.

I do have a slight confession to make. I did not actually finish the game. I am hung up on a certain section of the game about 27 hours into it, when all of your party splits up and you are forced to play with nothing but mages and people who I haven't had in my party since the very beginning of the story and thus are worthless. Now I continued to play even after the "plot breakthrough" failed to impress me at the end of the first disc(10 hours in) just because I felt there must be something more to this game. I was wrong, terribly wrong. It took me another 17 hours to realize the game wasn't really getting anymore enjoyable. There wasn't going to be some magic moment where that game says "surprise, we've been showing you this halfway good game just to hide this actual amazing game that begins now!" Perhaps my Final Fantasy VII expectations were just too high? This is a definite possibility.

When it comes to video games, you will usually find me repeating the age old phrase "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" again and again, but this time, they have gone too far. I'm sorry, but the video game world has just advanced to far for me to still be forced to put up with the same random battle sequence every two seconds when I'm walking around the over-world map. What made those age old 'JRPG' classics work? The first important element was that we didn't expect super fast loading times, so we accepted the new screen for battles. Gaming back then wasn't about the pace, it was about the story. Well that is no longer the case, it has to be a combination of the two. Game like Mass Effect have now adapted with adding great story lines as well as more interactive battle sequences. I know that not every game can achieve the sort of interactive cut scenes that Mass Effect had, but when Lost Odyessey tries to fake interactivity by having you move three feet only to be launched into another cut-scene. That just doesn't fool me.

Bottom line, this is not a terrible game. The story line is interesting, but can be at times hard to relate to, and to me it's all in how connected you feel with the characters. Even once Kaim opens up, you really aren't sure who he is. The most captivating moments are when you are forced to read through a story instead of watching anything take place. The sad truth is that JRPGs are dying out, and they were hard to come by on the 360 to begin with, so if you want to pick this title up to remember better times, I really can't blame you. I really would warn anyone against spending a full $60 on this though, there are just better games out there. Save your money and wait for the new Ninja Gaiden, that's my advice.

Rating: 6/10

Review: In Bruges

2008-03-02T23:42:00.000-08:00

So last night I was invited to see In Bruges, starring Bulls-Eye himself Collin Farrell as a sorrow hit man who has to hide out in Bruges, Belgium which he finds boring and feels the need to tell us every few minutes about how much it sucks. Now when the invite was first extended and I recalled what the film was based on a trailer I saw way back when I declined. The flick seemed that it would be pretty bad. Firstly it seemed like all that was going to happen was that Farrell would complain about Bruges to his killer buddy and pick on Americans. Secondly none of these two things were portrayed as funny in the trailer. Thirdly this was the second Farrell as a repenting hit man that was coming out (the other one being Cassandra's Dream with Ewan McGregor, directed by Woody Allen) so I kind of zoned out on the whole premise.

However, realizing I had nothing going on that night I decided to at least check it out, because I do like movies in the general sense. I really enjoyed it. It was so damn funny. The trailer I saw did not do it justice. In Bruges follows the anarchic humor and darkness that has followed other hit man movies recently (namely The Matador [ok] and You Kill Me [great]). The anarchic humor mostly stems from random bouts of political incorrectness (whether it be about the disproportionate suicides of midgets, getting a "gay" drink for your friend, because he's gay and a "normal" drink for you because you're normal, or beating up Canadians as repercussion for John Lennon), but if you can laugh at that sort of thing you will and lots. The darkness comes from the fact that Farrell accidently killed a six-year old boy on the last hit and is deeply suicidal over it. Both the humor and the depression don't counteract each other and are both well done, and it didn't seem like two different movies either. I actually believed Farrell’s actions were those of a man who had just committed an atrocity and didn't know how to repent. The whole affair was handled very well.

That being said this movie is hardly a masterpiece or revolutionary. But it is so damn funny, a lot of that having to do with Farrell’s delivery which really brings out the humor and innocence in these somewhat offensive lines. The ending is a bit rough and a tad forced by plot, but Farrell’s voice over saves the last few minutes. Great laughs and a great time at the movies.

Rating: 8/10

Super Smash Bros. Brawl

2008-02-26T10:42:00.000-08:00

Well, it's almost two weeks before Brawl is released in the States and the fact that it has been out this long in Japan probably means you know the final roster of combatants. And while I could spend my time dissecting this (I mean Gannondorf is still a clone of Capt. Falcon? All three StarFox characters have the same Final Smash? R.O.B.?) I've decided to better waste my time giving you the insight into who I wish had made the cut. Now those of you who wish to keep the secret characters truly secret until the end might not want to read on because then you'll know who didn't make it or I might reference a character already in (though I suppose I've already revealed that Gannondorf, Capt. Falcon, R.O.B., and three StarFox characters are in it before warning you... whoops!). So without further ado here are, in no particular order, the Top Ten Characters I Wish Were in Smash.

Miles "Tails" Prower

Honestly I thought this was kind of a given. I mean Sonic is in it, and the blue hedghog has a pantheon of supporting characters just as iconic as Mario's sycophants. So it makes sense to add some characters from Mobius and who better Sonic's sidekick Tails. I mean I would've been fine with Knuckles too, but Tails is clearly the second best choice from the Sonic universe.

Preposed Moveset
Up B: Tail Spin (He spins his tails, he flies up, he hurts people)
B: Some Sort of Mechanical Gun-Thingy (some sort of mechanical gun-thingy)
Over B: Spin Dash (like Sonic's, but slower)
Down B: Spin Charge (like Sonic's, but slower)
Final Smash: Either Super Tails (he's invulnerable and has Super Flickies that attack people) or he gets to use his Tornado walker.

Banjo-Kazooie

I'll admit Banjo-Kazooie was one of my favorite games for the N64, and while some might say it was the worst of the "collecting" platformers, I think it took what was great about Mario 64 and expanded upon that (or ripped it off, whatever it was a great game). They were a popular pair and could've made it into Melee. Of course now that Rare is owned by Microsoft their inclusion was hardly expected, despite the fact that even after the buy Rare still made a B-K game for the GBA and has yet to make one for and X-Box.

Preposed Moveset

Up B: Beak Bomb (Banjo-Kazooie zoom through the air)
B: Egg (Kazooie shoots an egg, maybe like 75% chance of regular, 10% for ice or fire, 5% for grenade)
Over B: Beak Barge (Kazooie's beak rams somebody, slow and powerful)

Down B: Wonderwing (purely defensive, the pair becomes invulnerable for a short time, save from throws)

Final Smash: Mumbo Jumbo comes and turns them into something or does some other shaman magicking.

Mega Man

C'mom it's fucking Mega Man. Yeah, he's been off our radars for some years, but ten years ago he was the (mega) man. He helpes define video games and his ever expanding adapaptable moveset is perfect for Smash. He'd be like Kirby and Samus combined.

Preposed Moveset

Up B: Mega Upper (a series of uppercuts that launch Mega Man higher)
B: Plasma Gun (he shoots his plasma gun)
Over B: Weopan Copy (Mega Man copies an opponets Over B move)
Down B: Mega Ball (a ball that rebounds around until it hits someone, the longer it's out the weaker the attack when it hits)
Final Smash: Hyper Mega Man Adapter (he grows taller, gets wings and jet pack, and has rockets all over him)

Roy

Ok, so Roy did not make the cut into Brawl. And this is really a let down, as Roy was my number 2 go to character. Though I don't know how Ike will compare having not played the game (he is supposed to be heavy/power character so he may just be Roy with another name), I'm guessing I'll miss the Roy.

Preposed Moveset
All his old moves.
Final Smash: Roy rapidly moves on the platform he's one and strikes a deadly blow to whoever may be foolish enough to be there.

Viewtiful Joe

The Viewtiful Joe series have been great innovative games, and Joe has already done a Super Smash rip-off so he's no stranger to this sort of set up. Though he's no longer wowing the video game realm, I'm thinking his moveset would be a very cool addition. I wonder if his VFX meter should be accoutned for though in someway, like he'll turn into regular Joe if he uses too many special moves.

Preposed Moveset
Up B: Corkscrew Jump (You know, a corkscrew jump)
B: Zoom In (Paralyzies foes within a certain proximety)
Over B: Slow (Joe does powerful, super slow punch [maybe kick], but will automatically dodge any attack that is attempted on him)
Down B: Corkscrew Slam (like the jump, but impact on the ground sends shockwaves)
Final Smash: Mach Speed (Joe goes super fast and punches every thing on the screen ending on fire)

Geno

Hells yes, Geno. He maybe a wooden doll inhabited by aliens (or something like that), but he can kick some ass. Besides it's not like I'm about to add Mallow or anything.

Preposed Moveset

Up B: Geno Boost (like the game, but with third jumping abilities)

B: Missile Punch (like the game)

Over B: Geno Beam (like the game)

Down B: Geno Blast (like the game)

Final Smash: Geno Whirl (like the game)

Rival Pokemon Trainer

Pokemon Trainer was a cool idea, so why not do it again with another set of pokemon? Kind of like in the story where you have a rival this is like that. Now we could just do another set of starter pokemon from another generation, but that would be a little like the regular Pokemon Trainer, besides I'm partial to the original 150, so here is just some iconic pokemon you're used to from the original. We already got Water, Fire, Grass, Electric, Psychic (I think), and whatever the fuck Jigglypuff is, so let's get some new types.

Geodude
Up B: Tackle (Geodude shoots up and shoulder slams you)
B: Earthquake (Short range earth shaker)
Over B: Rock Throw (you throw a rock)
Down B: Switch

Dragonair

Up B: Dragon Rage (Spinny tornado thingy)
B: Hyper Beam (Charge shot that can't be saved, will be released when at full power)
Over B: Agility (Lunges out quickly)
Down B: Switch

Gengar
Up B: Dream Eater (Gengar launches upward and passes through people doing damage)
B: Lick (Gengar licks you, and you are stunned a bit)
Over B: Nightshade (A very wide beam is shot out, but doesn't go far)
Down B: Switch

Final Smash: They all come out and lay some smack down.

Ridley

Samus is now the only one of the original eight to not have friend from their series. So let's change that. And Ridley is really the only choice. Generic metroid wouldn't do it, generic Space Pirate wouldn't do it, and I'm not about to include any character from Hunters. Naturally we'll tone down his size and stuff.

Preposed Moveset
Up B: Extra Fly (He flies more and it hurts you some how)
B: Plasma Breath (Ridley's plasma breath)
Over B: Fireballs (Ridely's great balls of fire)
Down B: Tail Swipe (that'll fuck you up)
Final Smash: He could turn into Omerga or Meta Ridley or just grow humongous and wreaks havoc.

Rash

I don't know if I'm the only one who remembers Battletoads, but I loved that game. It was so freaking hard and awesome. I extend my love by including one of them into Smash.

Peposed Moveset
Up B: Mega Slam (thrid jump that at it's height, Rash slams his fists downward)
B: Giant Fist (large powerful fist[ing hehehe])
Over B: Ram Headbut (the ram horned headbut from the game)
Down B: Boot Punt (the huge ass boot from the game)
Final Smash: It's be cool if those impossible to avoid race things would move across the screen and eveyone but you had to dodge it.

Koopalings

Fuck Bowser Jr., okay? Honestly I've got nothing really against him, only that since he appeared, we've heard nothing about Bowser's seven other kids, the originals (though breaking news is informing me they were in Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga, but I don't count that, because I'm writing this paragraph). I'm talking Larry, Morton Jr., Wendy O', Iggy, the weird one on the ball, Roy, and Ludwig Von. What happened? Were they all shipped off to boarding school or something? Really I don't know how this would work, maybe they all have the same moveset and speed and changing the "color" changes it to a different one, or maybe you only have one, or you can switch out like Pokemon trainer, what do I care? Let's just represent some other Koopa Kid love for once.

Preposed Moveset
Up B: Koopa Whirl (they go in shell and spin upward, much more so than Bowser's but harder to aim)
B: Wand Beam (they use their wand thingy from Super Mario Bros. 3)
Over B: Special Unique Move (that each particular kid has; look I just don't want to think anymore ok?)
Down B: Koopa Slam (they slam down butt first, like you do)
Final Smash: All seven appear with a weopan (a chainsaw, katana, brass knuckles, chains, dual weilding Uzis, battle axe, and sawed-off shotgun) and just start killing and decapitating eveyone, until those smug Mario Brothers, who think it's cool to beat up children, have their heads on pikes and are surrounded by a flowing river of blow that curses all who touch it.

My Take On the Oscars

2008-02-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

Ok, basically this will be just like my Golden Globe Predictions, but more important because they're the Oscars.

BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR

Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood

Ok, despite No Country being shot down at the Globes that doesn't change my view that it was the best movie this year. It does however increase my fear that it and There Will Be Blood (the only other film I think deserves the award) will split the votes and third less deserving flick will take the prize.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones, The Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises

Again this a race betwixt Clooney, Day-Lewis, and Depp. Now I favored Day-Lewis over Clooney at the Globes and that opinion still holds and I will also back Day-Lewis over Depp as well. Danny Boy was just too damn good. I will seriously be surprised if he doesn't walk away with this one.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Cate Blanchette, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie, Away From Her
Marion Cotillard, La Mome
Laura Linney, The Savages
Ellen Page, Juno

Now at the Globes Marion Cotillard snagged Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy that I thought for sure was for Ellen Page. Now I based this on not seeing or even hearing of Marion's performance, so I didn't think twice about it. But I don't think this will be an issue her, as I'm pretty sure Julie Christie as got this one.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson's War
Hal Holbrook, Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton

Pretty much the GG best Best Supporting in a Drama again. I went with Javier then (who won), I'm sticking with him now.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There
Ruby Dee, American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan, Atonement
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

Some new blood as opposed to Golden Globes, but like then I still say it's a battle between Cate Blanchett and Amy Ryan. Now I still say Ryan's was the better performance, but that is nothing against Cate's. But I was wrong with backing Ryan for the Golden Globes, so I'll probably wrong again here.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood
Joel Coen, Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton
Jason Reitman, Juno
Julian Schnabel, The Butterfly and the Diving Bell

Another award the Coens's deserved at the Globes that they didn't get. Foreign guy directing foreign movie got it, again another one that I just didn't factor in last round, and like Best Picture I'm more worried that the Coen Brothers will be denied.

BEST WRITING, SCREENPLAY WRITTEN DIRECTLY FOR THE SCREEN
Diablo Cody, Juno
Nancy Oliver, Lars and the Real Girl
Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton
Brad Bird, Jan Pinkavo, Jim Capobianco, Ratatouille
Tamara Jenkins, The Savages

I had Juno for screenplay at the Globes, were it was beaten by No Country. A deserving beat, but I figured with all the Juno love it was a shoe-in (is that how it's spelled? literally?). Well, Juno buzz has waned since then and many are even in hatred. Whatever, it's still a great script. I am glad that Ratatouille and Lars (my fav on the list) are up there, truly great scripts as well. And if Juno continues to be shunned I think Lars's also quirkier script could snatch, but probably not.

BEST WRITING, SCREENPLAY BASED ON MATERIAL PREVIOUSLY PRODUCED OR PUBLISHED

Christopher Hampton, Atonement
Sarah Polley, Away From Her
Ronald Harwood, The Butterfly and the Diving Bell
Joel Coen, Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood

Ok, I won;t hide the fact that I have a huge boner for the Coen Brothers. And in fact if they made a not so stellar flick that managed to get nominated for anything, I'd probably be rooting for them to win because their entire body of work is just so fucking superb, but that being said No Country is the best they've done, and they are the greatest screenwriters to come out in the last twenty years (possible exception to Quienten Tarantino, but he's gonna have to step it up).

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY
Roger Deakins, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Seamus McGarvey, Atonement
Roger Deakins, No Country For Old Men
Jamusz Kaminiski, The Butterfly and the Diving Bell
Robert Elswit, There Will Be Blood

I'm going with Roger Deakins for this one. And not just because he's up there twice and thus has the best odds. It also has to do with the fact Deakins deserves this award for his stellar work in the past and his contributions this year excel past those (well, most of them anyway). I pick Jesse James over No Country because it was the more visual beautiful film, which is kind of what cinematography is (I think; should probably double check that one of these days).

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN SPECIAL EFFECTS

Michael L. Fink, Bill Westenhofer, Ben Morris, Trevor Wood, Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End
John Knoll, Hal T. Hickel, Charlie Gibson, John Frazier, The Golden Compass
Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Russell Earl, John Frazier, Transformers

Let me just say this right now: I hated Transformers. Hated it. The movie was boring and nonsensical with no redeeming value. My friends will cite Megan Fox as a redeeming value, but I don't need to spend eight bucks and waste two hours to look at her being hot. Of course I realized too late it was going to a rough ride when it's opening line was: "Before time itself, there was the cube." And yet whenever I ranted at the atrocity of film making this was, I always cited that sure looked damn pretty. The one thing this movie did good (and pretty much the only thing Michael Bay can do good) was its special effects. Despite how utterly crappy this movie was, it deserves this award.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM OF THE YEAR
Vinceny Parannoud, Marjane Satrapi, Persopolis
Ash Brannon, Chris Buck, Surf's Up
Brad Bird, Ratatouille

It's possible that Persopolis will get this, but I have not seen this cannot vouch for it. I do know Ratatouille was pretty fucking brilliant both as story and especially animation. I think this will be the second Oscar for Brad Bird. Wait, did he win an Oscar for The Incredibles? Was The Incredibles nominated for an Oscar? Hold on, let me check. Wikipedia tells me yes to both of these.

I don't think I can give a very good account for the rest of the categories so I won't bother. Anyway those are my picks for the upcoming Oscars.

How We'd F*ck Up Casablanca

2008-02-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

Today my fellow traveler in the world of blogging and I unveil the first installment in a series entitled: How We'd F*ck Up A Classic. Essentially what we're going to do is take a classic flick that pretty much reaches the heights of iconic perfection and decide what we'd do for the remake if it were today. Mostly this will entail what actor choices we'd make, but there may be some other subtle differences we'd make. Now hopefully with the dear god of cinema's help these remakes will never happen, but that doesn't mean we can't have fun speculating. So with out further ado, here's how we'd f*ck up

Ugarte
Played By: Peter Lorre

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Steve Buscemi

I had always thought of Steve Buscemi as this era's Peter Lorre, odd looking, able to play weasels, sychophants, and creepy guys, but still be funny. Now Buscemi is older than Lorre was when playing in the original, and I'm not sure if he can sound like he's from a European or North African country, but in my eyes there is no one else to replace Peter Lorre.

Stads: Steve Buscemi

A lot of these roles were difficult to determine, but to me Peter Lorre has always reminded me of a Steve Buscemi so Ugarte was easy. I would also go as far as to say Buscemi would improve the role. Buscemi firing a pistol into a group of attacking soldiers just makes more sense to me.

Signor Ferrari

Played By: Sydney Greenstreet

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: John Rhys-Davies

Now this is basically solely based on John Rhys-Davies's portrayal as Sallah in the two great Indiana Jones flicks. Essentially a big guy who sounds foreign. That's good enough to replace Sydney Greenstreet.

Stads: John Rhys-Davies

Greenstreet actually isn't nearly as Indian as Casablanca makes him look, I mean they just add a hat. My thought on Davies is of course from Sallah in Indiana Jones, but that's not to take away from Gimli in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. He just happens to be my favorite fat North African looking fellow. Which you know... are a little hard to find.

Major Strasser

Played By: Conrad Veidt

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Ralph Fiennes

I was a tad apprehensive to give Fiennes another Nazi role, but come on he was just so damn good the first time around. And I think Fiennes gives something to the character that's much more intimidating then there was the first time around. I thought about Peter Stormare for the role (the go to European guy in any flick see: German, The Big Lebowski, Russian, Armageddon, French, The Brothers Grimm, Swedish, Fargo, the Devil, Constantine), but he is perhaps a bit too creepy for the role.

Stads: Robert De Niro

I really wish De Niro didn't have such the history of great acting that he has. I truly do believe that he could do a great job in this role, but too many people would watch him and see that bad ass from Heat, Goodfellas, or of course young Vito Corleone (if anyone sees him and thinks of Meet the Parents, you know nothing of this man). If you can see past this, I think you can see that De Niro would make a wonderful Nazi.

Sam

Played By: Dooley Wilson

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Jaimie Foxx

Sam is certainly a notch above token black guy, but I think as Rick's only true friend he should have a more forceful character in the film other than the guy who plays "As Time Goes By". That being said I'm thinking Jaimie Foxx, great actor and we know he can play the piano and sing. Plus he's the right skin color.

Stads: Morgan Freeman

Sam is really not as in depth of a character as I think he could, or rather should, have been. He needs to be an older guy who is always looking at for his friend Rick. Morgan Freeman just seems like the type who is full of advice as well as just a nice guy to have around. Really can't see him singing all that well, but let's be honest, Sam didn't have the best voice either(not that I don't love As Time Goes By)

Victor Lazslo

Played By: Paul Henreid

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Jude Law

I don't know. Jude Law just seems like he can play a selfless heroic champion who you still don't want to get the girl.

Stads: Aaron Eckhart

Eckhart has little under his belt aside from Thank You For Smoking, but that was an impressive role. So I have great hope for this man(soon to play Harvey Dent in the new batman film), and I think he would fit Lazlo great. He's a strong, independent looking guy, but you still want to root for the other guy.

Captain Renault

Played By: Claude Rains

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Ricky Gervais

Captain Renault is cleary a comedic role, so a comedian makes sense for him. But while still keeping the comedy there I do want to highlight his dark side of using his power for sexual favors. And I am banking on Ricky Gervais being able to comedy that isn't just self depracating.

Stads: Robin Williams

Williams is a funny guy, which is an important aspect. He's also a great actor when given the chance, just think of Good Morning Vietnam, as well as to a lesser extent Man of the Year. Also, he always struck me as the type that would use his power to sleep with women.

Illsa Lun

Played By: Ingrid Bergman

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shandeaux: Eva Green

Essentially because she's French and hot. And the only other French actress I know is whats-her-face (I realize I could just look it up and sound impressive, but I'm too lazy) from Amelie, and though I have a huge crush on her based on the that movie she's not exactly right for the part. I probably have some better reasons, but non come to mind.

Stads: Rachel McAdams

Illsa is all in the eyes. The role is really all in the expression she gets when looking at Rick. Bergman's big pouting eye's could make even the toughest guy cry. Well I think McAdams mirrors this look. I admit I also find her attractive, and that plays a role in my choice, but it damn well should.

Rick Blaine

Played By: Humprey Bogart

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Clive Owen

Ok, no one could replace Humphrey Bogart, and Clive Owen's got a strike against him for being British (but I'm sure he could do an American accent), but while watching Children of Men I definatly got a vibe of Rick Blaine. I mean his relationship with Julianne Moore strikes a similar chord to Rick's and Illsa's and how he gets over his apathy to sacrifice himself in order to help fix the world in chaos around him. Plus he is pretty fucking cool.

Stads: George Clooney

I have been in love with Clooney since Ulysses Everett McGill in O' Brother Where Art Thou. Oddly enough, that role is about the polar opposite of Rick Blaine. Clooney can still do a great job of being that cynical, dark guy that you still love and root for. Be it getting the girl, or stealing the money from the casino.

Our Issues With Our Choices
Here's the part of the section where we piss all over ther other guy's picks (metaphorically of course, Rachel McAdmas has yet to return my calls).

Stads: First two are the exact same, which is nice, because I would be amazed if you saw them as anyone else.

shanedeaux: Indeed we were both great in our picks.

Stads: Fiennes is outdated and past his prime, he did a great Nazi in 1993.

shandeaux: Outdated? Past his prime? Even if that were the case, which it's not, John Travolta has proved time and time again that a washed-up actor can still land a great role and do a great job at it. Now as for your pick with Bobby, while no one is going to argue that he is without question one of the greatest method actors ever, he worries me. Only because he'll be doing a German accent (I'm presuming), which to me, seems very, very funny.

Stads: Jaimie Foxx is a superb actor, and he actually is capable of singing. My only issue with him, is I feel that he lacks that old-man vibe that I feel Sam needs.

shanedeaux: Ok, here we just have different views on where Sam needs to go, you say sage, I say closest friend. To me going the wise old friend route dips a bit into the "magic Negro" character. Plus Freeman won't be nararrating, so why would he want to be a part of it?

Stads: Jude Law irritates the hell out of me. Too british, too suave. I feel like he would steal away my girlfriend and sleep with her before my american ass can do anything about it. I do feel that Lazlo needs to be hated, but I also think he deserves some respect, which I can not and will not, give to Jude Law.

shandeaux: Again to me, Jude Law could easily portray a respected hero, but still come off as a douche. And as for him being British, at least I'm not just picking Americans for a movie set in North Africa during the beginnings of World War II. As for Eckhart, kinda the same complaints you had with Jude. Except he seems more sleazy than suave.

Stads: Unfortunately I can't really attack Gervais because I have never seen him act. Writing and acting are two separate skills, but hell, look at Conan O'Brien. In the same way that I can't attack him, however, I really can't see how anyone could defend him.

shandeaux: Fortunatley I can attack Robin Williams. Yes, the cat can act, but you're putting Robin Williams in a comedic role. That's just dangerous. It's like giving a pyromaniac a flamethrower, sure he'll find creative and interesting ways to use it, but someone's going to get hurt. I don't see how he can stop himself from being the coked out Mork from Ork he always is. And yes you cite movies where he had great dramatic parts, but they were counter-poised with him riffing and doing funny voices.

Stads: As I stated earlier, Illsa is all in the eyes. To me, Eva Green looks way more dark and cynical than young and naive. I will give you that she is a looker though.

shandeaux: Ok, your comment about the eyes is well put and damn insightful, but I disagree that Illsa needs to be played young and naive. She's given up on her true love, spent years helping combat Nazis, and now she's the center of the same love triangle she almost died inside giving up years ago. I agree not cynical, but certainly not naive, and I think Eva can play that balance.

Stads: I respect Clive Owen as an actor, and will watch almost anything he is in(much the same as George Clooney). Also, he is a bad ass, given. The issue with Owen is that I think he lacks that cool, respected, look, Americans seem to have done so well. Sure he could sound American, but could he throw on a white suit and sit at a table playing chess against himself? Owen just could not come across as a club owner to me.

shandeaux: George Clooney is an inspired choice, so much that I can't believe he hadn't crossed my mind. But to me he's just too friendly. I don't think he can pull off the hard nature and flippant apathy that is required of the role, and that I think Clive Owen could do so well. He'd be a different, darker Rick Blaine granted, and no one can do what Bogart did with that role, but I think Owen has the capacity to embody the essesnce of role better than anyone else.

Ok, how about you out there? Were we spot on with some choices? Did we affront you delicate sensibilities with others? Is Stads a closeted homosexual? Now's your chance to comment. I mean c'mon we can't do all the wrok you lazy bastards. Form your own opinions.

Top Ten Movie Titles that Sound Like Porn

2008-01-22T23:59:00.000-08:00

So the Oscar Nominations were today, but instead of waxing intellectual on that I've decided to create my own awards. If like myself you like to puruse through porn you'll notice several titles derived from some of our favorite films. Titles such as Edward Penishands, Bitanic, Cheeks and Thongs: Up In Stroke, Das Boob, Honey, I Blew Everybody, Tits A Wonderful Life, Missionary Position: Impossible, PocAhotAss, Raiders of the Lost Arse, White Men Can't Hump among numerous others (and no I did not make any of those up). But some films don't need ingenius sexual puns added to their titles to become porn, because the titles already do that themselves. It is with great joy that I bring you this top ten list of movies that sound dirty, but aren't. Any full length feature film was eligible (sorry Multi-Facial [that one would've been so good, but it was a short {and you can't a have a short in a porn film}]) Also I eliminated movies in which the title was supposed to bring up these connotations, a la Octopussy, or in the movie's content was still erotic in some way, a la Black Snake Moan.

10. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
Tagline: We are not alone. (I know. Just lie back and accept it.)
What it sounds like: Threesome.
What it's really about: Another one of Speilberg's opuses (opum?). After witnessing a UFO a man (Richard Dreyfuss) begins to alienate his family with his obsession over the incident and the cover-up being perpetrated by the government.

9. Snatch. (2000)
Tagline: Now you see it, now you don't! (And it'll cost $200 to see it again.)
What it sounds like: Vaginas.
What it's really about: Hyperlink story following the events of several British lowlifes and their connection to a very valuable diamond.

8. Shaft (1971) & (2000)
Tagline: Wanna see Shaft? Better ask yo' mamma. (Heyoo!)
What it sounds like: Penises (penum?). Also apparently your mother's a whore.
What it's really about: Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Who is the man that would risk his neck for his brother man? Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about? They say this cat Shaft is a bad motherfu-

7. Free Willy (1993)
Tagline: How far would you go for a friend? (Hey we're good friends and all, but I'm not going to free your willy.)
What it sounds like: Guys exposing themselves in the park which then inexplicably leads to sex. Or maybe male prositutes have a weekend special or something.
What it's really about: A troubled youth bounds with a killer whale (or orca) that he tries to free from the aquarium. Also the whale's name is Willy.

6. In the Heat of the Night (1967)
Tagline: They got a murder on their hands . . . they don't know what to do with it. (Is murder slang for penis now?)
What it sounds like: Sex. At night. While it's hot.
What it's about: A daring tale of racism in the 60s, Sidney Poitier is a black Philadelphia cop grudgingly helping a white Mississippi sheriff who grudgingly accepts... grudgingly.

5. The Harder They Come (1972)
Tagline: With a Piece in His Hand He Takes on the Man! (Not my type of porno, no matter what my history would indicate.)
What it sounds like: Lots of powerful orgasms. Probably some "best of" squirters.
What it really is: A Reggae singer finds corruption in the record industry and then turns to a life of crime and becomes a politcal figure.

4. After the Hole (2001)
Tagline: Desperate To Get In. Dying To Get Out. (Yup sounds about right)
What it sounds like: Anal sex.
What it really is: British kids get trapped in an old bomb shelter. Hilarity ensues. Depressing, psychologically horrifying hilarity.

3. Babes in Toyland (1934), (1961), & (1997) (That's right three different movies have this title and none are about a hot lesbian toy party.)
Tagline: It's Bright! It's Wonderful! A Musical Holiday of Fun for Everyone! (I'll say!)
What it sound like: A hot lesbian toy party.
What it's really about: A Laurel and Hardy flick, a musical about nursery rhymes with too complex a plot to put down, or an animated version of the above mentioned musical.

2. The ButterCream Gang (1992)
Tagline: Good kids, small-town fun, and unconditional love for a struggling friend. (If they're struggling they're probably trying to say, "No," through the ball gag.)
What it sounds like: A series of orgies. Buttery, creamy orgies.
What it's really about: A gang that does good deeds loses one of its members to the wrong crowd. Now they must try to free him of his wicked ways.

1. How Green Was My Valley (1941)
Tagline: Millions Have Read This Great Novel... Millions more will see an even greater picture! (Insert something dirty about the tagline here)
What it sounds like: Virgins worried about their inexperience or whores worried about the color of their diseased vaginas. Maybe both, like we meet up with the chick five years from now or something
What it's really about: Best Picture Oscar winning flick about coal-miners at the turn of the century.

Heroin Hero

2008-01-20T10:38:00.000-08:00

This Review is really of Beautiful Katamari for the Xbox 360, but the game is essentially Heroin Hero, because you continue to play it, knowing there are better gaming experiences out there. Something in this game draws you towards it, and you enjoy it like sweet, sweet candy. All right, not candy as much as....well heroin. But heroin, ladies and gentleman, is a hell of a drug.

Here's the complicated premise of this game, ready? You are a little guy with a ball(called a katamari) that rolls stuff up. There's a little bit more to it than that sure, but this is basically what you do. You go down to earth from this planet and roll up things. You start with small things like chess pieces and sticks of gum until you can roll up dogs, people, cars, buildings, sea monsters. In this version for the first time you actually get so big that you roll up planets. Nothing is as satisfying as having a game tell you that you rolled a katamari as big as 1,368 Uzbekistans.

This game has caught a lot of heat for not changing much from past games (Beautiful is the fourth installment) but to me they changed just enough. The main menu has become interactive as you wander from area to area and take on the new "missions". The main issue with the game is it's length. It's really only about a 10-15 hour game, depending on how much of the extra stuff you decide you want to do. Which is actually an upgrade from the old Katamari titles. So you can at least give Bandai credit for pinpointing the problem, they just didn't add enough. Your average gamer will finish this game in about a day and a half. Then again, your average gamer will finish this game in a day and a half due to not being able to stop playing it once they begin playing it.

Basically no game is released on 360 now without some sort of online gameplay that we can only assume Microsoft forces them to throw on there so more people will purchase xboxlive. Don't get me wrong, xbox live is a worthy investment in my mind, but this doesn't change the fact that Microsoft is greedy as hell, but I digress... The multiplayer on Beautiful Katamari is slightly entertaining at best. You go online to other "planets" and sit and wait for more people to join the lobby until the host decides it's enough people. Then you try to knock things off of the other player's katamari. Not exactly worth anyones' time unless you are friends with a bunch of six year olds with xbox live, and most of them are playing halo 3.

To wrap it up, great game, but short. Certainly not worth $60, but not bad for the $40 it is currently at. This game won't amaze you, but I would say it's worth purchasing. There's a demo on xbox live, so if you're interested in the game, check it out before pulling out your wallet.

Beautiful Katamari for Xbox 360

7.5 out of 10

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

2008-01-17T23:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know I said I'd write a review for every flick I see from now on regardless, but for some reason I just didn't feel the need to extricate my thoughts on Con Air, or The 6th Day, or Death Race 2000 (I mean what could I possibly say that hasn't been said already?), so that idea's out the window instead I'll just stick to movies in the theatre or if a flick really grabs my attention outside of that. I know you guys are all dreadfully disappointed.

So, to the matter at hand: my take on National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Long story short it was entertaining and if you enjoyed the first you'll like this one as well. That being said it was a whole lot stupider than the original and really banks on the audience's will to just lay back and accept certain things (yet when I expect girls to do that I don't make millions of dollars at the box office, no I get another restraining order). So why was this film dumbed down compared to the original about billions of dollars worth of gold and artifacts lying undiscovered in a five mile deep whole under a church in New York led their by a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence found by some invisible spectacles made by Ben Franklin (also there was a huge explosion on a Colonial ship trapped in the ice in the middle of the arctic circle)? Simple it was less believable.

This time around good ol' Ben Gates (Nicolas Cage) is finding an ancient Native American city of gold which everyone from the Spanish conquistadors, to the Confederacy, to William Custer sought after. And of course to do that he, along with his usual gang of misfits, must kidnap the president in order to gain access to the BOOK OF SECRETS (insert dramatic music here). So how is this flick the retarded cousin of its predecessor? First off (also I'll probably be ruining some aspects of the film [such as they find the treasure. SHOCKER!]) the treasure is Olmec (the South American pre-Columbian native people, not the talking stone face from Legends of the Hidden Temple) so I'm confused why they would travel thousands of miles north to hide it in South Dakota. Also it is never explained why Queen Victoria managed to be the only person to attain the secret riddle required to finding the city of gold in the Black Hills or why they decided to hide clues to it with the help of French architects? Oh, because they wanted the South to win the Civil War, of course. And might I add, that Ben pseudo-kidnaps the president in order to convince him to have access to the BOOK OF SECRETS, which he does, but the president will not let him go to jail only if he finds the treasure. Why kind of a dick move is that? Sure I believe you about the treasure, and will help you by telling you how to get to the BOOK OF SECRETS, but if you get caught before you find it, despite the fact that I believe you and you put me in no harm's way, I won't help you. Was this just done so Ben would have to avoid the cops again while finding the treasure... again? What the hell fictional president, what the hell?

But whatever, let's just suspend our beliefs for the next two hours and not worry about it. However, the reason Ben Gates is finding the treasure is to prove that his great-granddaddy was not a co-conspirator in the assassination Lincoln (Abraham Lincoln). Maybe I just don't understand these things but how does finding the treasure exonerate him? I mean regardless if the treasure does exist who's to say he wasn't helping the assassinators? The standard bad-guy (Ed Harris) does apologize for raking Ben's ancestor's credibility in the mud, but his name in John Wilkes Booth's diary doesn't change his involvement. Maybe I just zoned out when they told the audience how it redeems him, but I still don't get it. So that's my problem with the story, but you know I'm a stickler for things that make sense and don't have plot holes so large that light can't even escape from their gravitational pull, but like I said it's enjoyable.

The only other issue (I feel like writing about) was Ed Harris's villain character. The writer's tried to give him depth by not making him mindlessly evil or just wanting money or whatever. No, instead they set him up with a back story similar to Ben's (it was his great-granddaddy that got the letter from Queen Victoria that led them to the treasure, so his entire family through the generations has been looking for it. Sound familiar? That's rhetorical, don't answer that), so that we can empathize with him, but he's evil because he implicated Ben's grandfather (or just showed the truth, again I'm not exactly sure how that worked) so that Ben would need to find the treasure to prove his innocence, so that Ed Harris would then swoop in and steal the treasure and claim he found it, or whatever. We never really hear what his evil machinations were actually to be. So what we're supposed to see is a conflicted character that just fell to the dark side of the treasure hunting ways in order to save his ancestor's names who know doubt lost the same respect Ben's did with this treasure hunting of theirs. They attempt to break outside the cookie cutter characters that were prevalent in the first one (protagonist, antagonist, comic relief, love interest, old guy, Harvey Keitel, etc.) by creating a bad guy who isn't all bad, but with whom Ben (and thereby we) can related with. However, he just comes off like the writer's wrote him two ways (one where he's typical villain, and one where he is a desperate treasure hunter who resorts to less-than-scrupulous tactics) decided to combine the two and just chose certain scenes from each script not re-writing the whole thing so that it would fit. Also killing him by him kind of sacrificing himself to save everyone only after his plan to have Ben stay behind to save everyone was dues ex machinaed (look it up) and it was the only option left was a clear cop out on the writer's part. We want to show he's good deep down, but also selfish but only because of the generarations of failing ot find the treasure, yet we can't have him live because then the bad guy would have gotten away with it, and the other characters would have to make some sort of decision about turning him in or have him kill them so they wouldn't turn him in which would truly make him a evil, so we'll create this elaborate scenario that will take care of all that. Well done.

So in closing stupid, but entertaining. Fairly intriguing popcorn flick. But still incredibly moronic so five out of ten.

Rating: 5/10

21 Flicks to See in 2008

2008-01-15T02:40:00.000-08:00

With 2008 around the corner, it seems apt to... what? 2008 started 15 days ago? Why wasn't I informed about this? You know what forget it. Let's just roll that beautiful bean footage.

Cloverfield
Release Date: January 18th, 2008
Director: Matt Reeves
Writer: Drew Goddard (Lost, Alias, Angel, Buffy)
Cast: Mike Vogel, Lizzy Caplan, Jessica Lucas, T.J. Miller, and Michael Stahl-David
Why I Want to See It: You may have caught the teaser trailer this summer. It was the one where a party was being filmed on a camcorder and then something crash lands causing mass chaos, and that’s pretty much all that’s known about this movie. Well, this is the latest brain child from J.J. Abrams (of whom I am a fan). You may be familiar with some of his creations: Lost and Alias. He also wrote and directed the best Mission Impossible movie last year. So I’m feeling this movie is going to be great as this man can obviously do action and weird, perfect for a mysterious explosive crash in New York. I'm also enjoying the original POV style of shooting this (I'm ignoring Blair Witch Project, because I can) though this is still being directed by someone who hasn't really done much work yet in movies, so we'll see what he can bring to the table.

Be Kind Rewind
Release Date: January 23rd, 2008
Writer/Director: Michel Gondy (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Science of Sleep)
Cast: Jack Black, Mos Def, Danny Glover, Melonie Diaz, Mia Farrow
Why I Want to See It: Movie rental employee Jack Black through accidents in magnetism erases all the videos in the store (apparently he becomes magnetic, don't ask me how), and now he and his friend and fellow employee Mos Def must re-film all the movies, starring themselves and various people in their town, in order to keep renting the store afloat becoming local celebrities in the process. Now this premise sounds sketchy and could be hit or miss, but with Michael Gondry (you might remember him as the director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and you’ve probably never heard of him from The Science of Sleep) at the helm, I’m thinking this is going to be a winner. Plus it just creates the perfect medium to pay tribute and lampoon some great films, which as a fan of movies I am anxious to see.

The Band's Visit
Release Dat: February 8, 2008
Writer/Director: Erin Kolirin
Cast: A bunch of foreign people.
Why I Want to See It: I'll probably one of the few people looking forward to this flick and that's out of the 12 who'll actually hear about it at all next year. This is foreign film about a band who accidently gets on the wrong bus debuted in Israel last September (those Israelis get all the luck huh?) and is making it to the States in a limited release in early Febuary. Now, I'm only excited for this flick because I saw a trailer for it, which is indescribable. It seemed increadibly funny, and yet I didn't laugh. Increadibly heartfelt, but it wasn't sentimental. With a great message, yet about nothing. So you can see why I'm excited for it. This film probably isn't for everyone, but trust me I'm feeling this one's going to be a winner.

Jumper
Release Date: February 15th, 2008
Director: Doug Liman (Go, The Bourne Identity)
Writer: David S. Goyer (Batman Begins, Blade, Dark City)
Cast: Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson, Diane Lane, Jamie Bell, Rachel Bilson
Why I Want to See It: I was kind od apprehensive about this flick, and it still could end up being incredibly stupid, but the trailer does make it look so cool. Anakin Skywalker discovers he can teleport. Mace Windu is a part of a society that tries to kill them. That OC chick is hot in a bra.

Charlie Bartlett
Release Date: February 22nd, 2008
Director: Jon Poll
Cast: Anton Yelchin, Rober Downey Jr., Hope Davis
Why I Want to See It: This trailer caught my eye sometime last year. It's titular character Charlie Bartlett gets kicked out of boarding school and is having some time adjusting into public high school that is until he becomes a psychiatrist of sorts for the students. Very indie flick about the typical problems of high school existence with the really big one of finding your place being the overarching one. I trust it.

Synechdoce, New York
Release Date: Early 2008 (estimated)
Writer/Director: Charlie Kaufman
Cast: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Catherine Keener, Samantha Morton
Why I Want to See It: Because it's the directorial debut of Charlie Kaufman the most ingenius sciptwriter Hollywood ever gave a shot. He's the man that penned Being John Malkovich, about a puppeteer who discovers a portal into the mind of John Malkovich, which helps to result in a bizarre love triangle with himself, a coworker, and his wife when she's in John Malkovich, Adaption., about him and his fictional twin brother adapting a real book about orchids into the movie Adaptation., and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, about a man trying to prevent his memory of his girlfriend from being erased. And I doubt the greatness train will stop with this film, plus it has the Hoff (the one you can hassel) which certainly can't take anything away from it.

21
Release Date: March 21st, 2008
Director: Robert Luketic
Writer: Peter Steinfeld (Analyze That, Be Cool)
Cast: Jim Sturgess, Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth, Laurence Fishburne, Aaron Yoo
Why I Want to See It: You may or may not be familiar with the notorious MIT blackjack team, well needless to say this movie is going to be based on that. Basically, six kids are trained by one of their professors (played by the greatest actor today Kevin Spacey) in simplified form of card counting in order to make millions from the Las Vegas casinos (in reality they never made more than 200,000 at the peak, which then started to dwindle, but this is Hollywood, so I doubt it’s going to be that accurate).

Iron Man
Release Date: May 2nd, 2008
Director: Jon Favreau (Elf, Made)
Cast: Robert Downey, Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Jeff Bridges, Terrance Howard, Samuel L. Jackson
Why I Want to See It: Yes, another comic book adaptation (c’mon people a comic book is essentially an entire script written and storyboarded with a built in fan base, basically a no brainer to make a movie) about Tony Stark and his fabulous power suit. Robert Downey Jr. (who’s been really showing these past few years how drug rehab can turn a star of cheesy 80s movie into a truly magnificent actor) is Iron Man, Jeff “The Dude” Bridges is the villain, Samuel L. “Motherfucking” Jackson reprises his role as Nick Fury Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., and writer/director/actor Jon Favreau is helming. Sounds like a winning combination.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Release Date: May 22nd, 2008
Director: Steven Spielberg (Name doesn't sound familiar. Probably a new comer.)
Cast: Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf, Karen Allen, Cate Blanchett, John Hurt
Why I Want to See It: OK, I am not a huge fan of the name. In fact I think it is completely retarded, but as long as the film’s in line with Raiders or Last Crusade and not Temple of Doom, it’ll be fine. Sure Harrison Ford’s 60 and Sean Connery opted out of it and there won’t be any Nazis and there’s some rumors floating around that aliens could be involved (it’s Spielberg and Area 51 is involved somehow so it is a distinct possibility), but they’re bringing back Marion Ravenwood (don’t make me explain who that is) and Shia LeBoeuf is Indy’s “younger companion” (that kinda makes Indy sound like a pedophile, but I was alluding that that was his son) and I am a fan of the LeBoeuf, the kid has some promise. I just hope they don't fuck it up.

Wall-E
Release Date: June 27th, 2008
Director: Andrew Stanton (Finding Nemo)
Why I Want to See It: How can you not love Pixar? They just make great movies and keep raising all kinds of bars. Plus this robot premise sounds really cool.

Valkyrie
Release Date: June 27th, 2008
Director: Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects, Superman Returns, X2)
Writer: Christopher McQuarrie (The Usual Suspects, The Way of the Gun)
Cast: Tom Cruise, Kevin McNally, Eddie Izzard, Christian Berkel, Bill Nighy, Terence Stamp, Stephen Fry, Tom Wilkinson, David Schofield and Kenneth Branagh
Why I Want to See It: The movie details the true plot of several SS officers to assassinate Adolf Hitler at the height of WWII. So story is definitely interesting. Also it’s being directed by Bryan Singer (think The Usual Suspect, X-Men, X-2: X-Men United, and I guess you could go to Superman Returns if you have to) so the direction will be strong. And there’s a nice ensemble cast of Tom Cruise, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, Terrance Stamp Stephen Fry, and Eddie Izzard (amongst others obviously). All looks good, though I will admit the choice of casting Jim Carrey as Hitler is a bit odd. That’s a joke by the way.

Hancock
Release Date: July 2nd, 2008
Director: Peter Berg (The Kingdom, Friday Night Lights)
Cast: Will Smith, Jason Bateman, Charlize Theron, Johnny Galecki
Why I Want to See It: This is a Will Smith flick opening on Fourth of July weekend, so even if it's discovered that there's a fifty percent chance of dying by watching this film, it'll still make at least $300 million its first week. Anyway the premise is interesting about a superhero that everyone despises who starts a relationship with the wife of his public relation's guy whose trying to repair his image. Plus it has the Jason Bateman of whom I'm a big fan.

The Dark Knight
Release Date: July 18th, 2008
Director: Christopher Nolan (Batman Begins, Memento, The Prestige)
Cast: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Cillian Murphy, Michael Caine, Anthony Michael Hall, Aaron Eckhart
Why I Want to See It: No reason necessary just go and see it.

Trailer Trash
Release Date: August 22nd, 2008
Director: Eli Roth
Cast: Unannounced
Why I Want to See It: Remember those sweet trailers during Grindhouse? Remember the best one, Thanksgiving? Now imagine that the creator of that is devoting a whole movie to just cheesy horribly great trailers. It's going to be the greatest parts of Grindhouse with the sketch sensibilites of Monty Python movies or Kentucky Fried Movie. A great time at the movies for all.

The Brothers Bloom
Release Date: August 29th, 2008
Writer/Director: Rian Johnson (Brick)
Cast: Rachel Weisz, Adrien Brody, Mark Ruffalo
Why I Want to See It: Because Rian Johnson made one of my fvaorite movies when he came onto the map in 2005. Because it's about two con men whose swindles are complex creations of lust and intrigue. Because they've decided to do one last con, and something's bound to go wrong. (is it just me or did this make me sound really gay for some reason?)

Choke
Release Date: Summer 2008 (estimated)
Writer/Director: Clark Gregg
Cast: Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Kelly Macdonald
Why I Want to See It: The other movie adaptation of a Chuck Palahniuck book yeilded Fight Club. Admittedly that was helmed by David Fincher and had Edward Norton and Brad Pitt, and so this isn't guarenteed Fight Cub's greatness, but it still has Sam Rockwell and Anjelica Huston and that chick from No Country for Old Men. The writer/director is untried, but come on people just give him a chance. Just one chance to make his name before you start raking him in the mud like the vultures you pretend not to be.

RocknRolla
Release Date: October 3, 2008
Writer/Director: Guy Ritchie (Snatch, Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels)
Cast: Gerard Butler, Jeremy Piven, Thandie Newton, Tom Wilkinson
Why I Want to See It: Guy Ritchie returns to what he does best: being England's Quinten Tarantino. It got scary when he cast his wife (Madonna) in a love story that was so bad she swore she'd never act again. Bad career move or did he just take one for the team so Madonna would stop acting? Regardless I'm, looking forward to some good ol' fashioned London gangster hyperlink shenanigans.

The Box
Release Date: Fall 2008 (estimated)
Writer/Director: Richard Kelly (Donnie Darko, Southland Tales)
Cast: Sean William Scott, Cameron Diaz
Why I Want to See It: Ok, Richard Kelly fell into his sophomore curse after the undeniably great Donnie Darko. He went from being the golden indie boy to being kicked off the throne. He knows what it's like to lauded and loathed, and I'm willing to bet that his third flick will make us all remember why we liked him so much in the beginning.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Release Date: Fall 2008 (estimated)
Writer/Director: Kevin Smith (Clerks, Chasing Amy, Dogma)
Cast: Seth Rogen, Elizabeth Banks, Jason Mewes, Jeff Anderson
Why I Want to See It: C’mon the title alone should make you want to see this movie. And when learning this is from the brain pan of Kevin Smith and starring Seth Rogen (The guy who starred in Knocked-Up) and Elizabeth Banks (the chick JD knocked-up on Scrubs), you know it’s going to be quality. No one can do verbal bukkake (both in quantity and dirtiness) and yet still manage to be smart and heartwarming like Kevin Smith.

Brüno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt
Release Date: 2008??
Director: Dan Mazer (Borat)
Cast: Sacha Baron Cohen
Why I Want to See It: If it's anything like Borat, and there's nothing to indicate it won't be, it's going to be good.

Jack and Diane
Release Date: 2008???
Writer/Director: Bradley Rust Gray
Cast: Ellen Page, Olivia Thrilby
Why I Want to See It: Ok, this is another curve ball I'm throwing. This film stars Ellen Page(Juno) as Diane and Olivia Thrilby (Juno's friend) as Jack. Its the classic tale of love between to teenage girls, but like in any relationship problems arise. Diane is leaving the country in a week and Jack begins to push away because of it. So Diane must keep their love alive while hiding the fact that she occasionally becomes a werewolf when she becomes sexually aroused. Naturally this plot raises a couple of questions such as: Really?!!? Nothing indicates that this movie won't take itself completely seriously, but how can it with the plot sounding like it was ripped off some horrible sci-fi lesbian romance novel? And with that how could it possibly be good? But why off the great part in Juno would Page decide to do a shit film? I hope this movie is prepared to answer these questions.

Future Looks Bright

2008-01-14T12:38:00.000-08:00

There's no doubt in anyones mind that 2007 was an incredible year for gaming, with games like Mass Effect and BioShock, and of course Halo 3. But let's not forget Call of Duty 4 as well as Super Mario Galaxy, the list goes on....

Well technology, believe it or not, is not cyclical. So we have even better graphics and violence to look forward to. I've got my eye on a couple sequels that I am really looking forward to, and will most likely write up reviews for. I'm sure there are going to be some great titles out there of original games, however, I know what to expect out of sequels. I could never condone running out and buying a game simply because it's predecessor was enjoyable like I do, but here are a couple titles we should theoretically see great things out of in the next few months.

Grand Theft Auto IV(PS3 & Xbox 360- 4/1/08)

April almost seems a cruel amount of time to force us mere mortals to wait for a sequel that may possibly be anticipated just as much as Halo 3. Sure, Vice City and San Andreas are very well made games (I'm much more partial to Vice City out of the two.) but they weren't actually sequels. Sure the game points to the moral decay of our society, but I'm of the opinion that if Rockstar didn't take on the job, someone would. The game takes place back in Liberty City, which is looking more beautiful than ever. From the street level to the tops of buildings, everything looks incredible. From what I've read and seen, it looks like Rockstar is doing their best to make things even more realistic. For instance, instead of strolling into your local Ammunation and buying a rocket launcher from your one armed pal Phil. You have to pull out your cell phone, call an arms dealer, and buy guns from him out of his trunk. How cool is that? What I have always liked best about these games, is how large the playground is. I have always been a huge fan of games like Grand Theft Auto, Spiderman(3 was pathetic, but other two are great) and even the Tony Hawk franchise. I am really looking forward to pulling some innocent bystander out of a vehicle that I am need of way more than her, and just cruising around Liberty City listening to Lazlo talk to crazy people on the radio.

Burnout Paradise

I was only recently pulled into this series, as Paradise will be the fifth installment. But Burnout Revenge is the most fun I have ever gotten out of a racing game, so I'm expecting good things. The demo is available online for both the 360 and the ps3 so feel free to check it out as I did. Paradise takes a different turn from the format I was familiar with on Revenge. Instead of flipping through individual races, the entire city is open to you, and you go around and find races and crashes yourself. Sort of like Grand Theft Auto, but you can't ever get out of the car. My initial reaction to this, was very optimistic due to my love for this style of play as I stated earlier. But I must admit after playing through the demo, I'm actually thinking less of this title than I would have had I not played it. However demos are just that, demos, and I never think it fair to judge a game off of the unfinished product that they thrust out onto the market. Lots of people out there, played the Halo 3 beta, after purchasing a great game for just that reason, and become convinced that Halo 3 was not as great as it could be. Well of course it wasn't, it's wasn't finished. My main qualm with Paradise is that they may have added just too much. Some of you may say too much can never be a bad thing, but I think in a racing game it really can add too much complexity. You race to one location and there are five different ways to get there, that's just too much. Maybe I'm just resistant to this much change, but I liked the way Revenge was set up. Rarely would I hate a demo enough to not ever purchase the game, but I am going to wait the few months it takes for Paradise to drop a few bucks. On a side note, the soundtrack looked promising as always, so even if you're not enjoying it a ton, you can at least enjoy the music.

Ninja Gaiden II( Xbox 360- 4/1/08)

Ninja Gaiden for the Xbox might actually be my favorite game of all time. At least my favorite game in the last couple years. The game is incredibly difficult, but that makes beating it all the more satisfying. When Sigma came out, I freaked because I thought I would actually have to purchase a ps3, but fortunately the game wasn't really any different. Well now all my dreams have come true, and there's a new action packed game, with new crazy Japanese plot that will make no sense. Not only that, but its only coming out for the 360! It's like Santa decided that once a year was not enough to grace us with his presents. Of course, this is assuming Santa is as huge of a fan of ninjas brutally killing a bunch of freaky demons. But who isn't? The game looks similar to the last Ninja Gaiden, which is not a problem to me at all, but if you weren't into that title, you probably will not be into this one. The game is hard, its no mortal kombat, and takes much more than button mashing. The only real changes I noticed were of course, new weapons and creepy dragon-like things that want to kill you. Also the bodies do not go away, which means that after you kill the twenty guys you kill in one place, blood will be everywhere. Needless to say, this won't be a game for the little ones.

Advance Wars: Days of Ruin ( DS -1/21/08)

Advance Wars always make handhelds worthwhile. A simple tactical game that doesn't really heavily on graphics, is the reason that anyone above the age of eight, owns a Nintendo DS. All the previews have been saying that this new installment will be darker than the others, and abandon the friendly CO's from the previous games. This isn't a title that I will skip out to the store and purchase giddily on release date, but its still something that I am looking forward to. This classic turn-based style game is not as original as Puzzle Quest, but you know what they say "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." If anything the graphics should be improved, but from there, I see no reason to change the old formula.

Those are the games under my radar for the next couple months. You can expect reviews for them as they come out. The future is looking bright people, stay excited.

Because stopping would only prove that he has won, and adaptation only makes me stronger

Goodnight, you princes of Persia. You kings of Camelot

Golden Globe Predictions

2008-01-13T06:25:00.000-08:00

With the Golden Globes in about 12 hours I think it's time to spout some predictions off. You can sort of think of this as a way of testing my merit on the film industry, also don't be surprised if I change my answers after the results are announced.

BEST MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
American Gangster
Atonement
Eastern Promises
The Great Debaters
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood

This is going to be a close one folks. But I’m putting my chips down for No Country for Old Men for two reasons: one it’s been dominating “Best Picture” awards so far and two it is the best movie on that list. I doubt American Gangster will connect. Michael Clayton's wrapped up in its message, while Eastern Promises is not a great powerhouse, I say give that director a few more films before he truly gives us a master piece. The only other movie that could take this category could be There Will Be Blood and it would be deserving, but I’m betting No Country will squeak out a winner. Also note a possibility of a split vote between Blood and Country and third movie taking the prize.

BEST MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Across the Universe
Charlie Wilson's War
Hairspray
Juno
Sweeney Todd

Also a difficult one, and may I just say I think it’s retarded that comedy and musical are lumped like this. But still Globes gets props for giving comedies a chance to win big awards if the Oscars won’t, even if it means creating a completely separate category for them. Anyway this is also is difficult. I’m going to go ahead and eliminate Across the Universe and Hairspray from the running as general feelings toward both are divided. Now Juno could win because of its amazing script, Sweeney Todd could pull it out because it’s Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, while Charlie Wilson’s War’s got Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman who people just love throwing awards to in a bio-pic by Aaron “You Can’t Handle the Truth” Sorkin. My bets on Sweeney Todd though. Tim Burton rarely gets the love, and this is the film that'll probably give it to him (I know what I said). Wilson despite it's powerhouse stars did not hit it out of the park, and Juno is a tad too quirkie/indie but will get screenplay so it’s got that going for it.

BEST DIRECTOR
Tim Burton, Sweeney Todd
Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men
Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Ridley Scott, American Gangster
Joe Wright, Atonement

I think this is the Coen’s year. Truly No Country showed how great a director they are, plus with my belief that No Country will win Best Picture, it pretty much guarantees the director gets a statue as well, and I feel they have a better chance of getting Director than Picture anyway. However again Burton rarely gets love and Todd could be the one to give it to him, but still my money’s on the two-headed director.

BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
James McEvoy, Atonement
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises
Denzel Washington, American Gangster

This a race between Clooney and Day-Lewis really. Truly Danny Boy had the better performance. I mean, it was just stellar, but Georgie Boy was certainly not bad in his role. Still it would surprise me if Daniel Day-Lewis did not get this.

BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie, Away From Her
Jodie Foster, The Brave One
Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart
Keira Knightley, Atonement

I’m hearing great things about Julie Christie’s take on a woman with Alzheimer’s, and I’m pretty sure she’s got it clinched. No other role on this list is stellar enough to even be nominated, with possible exception of Cate Blanchett, but still this vacuum of nothingness will pretty much guarantee Christie.

BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd
Ryan Gosling, Lars and the Real Girl
Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson's War
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Savages
John C. Reilly, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

I’m going to say no to Gosling, no to Hoffman, and no to Reilly. Gosling turned a great performance in a not so great movie and exactly like Half Nelson won’t win, Hoffman’s just up there because he’s great in general, but Savages is not his best, and Cox just lacks a true emotional range for Reilly to get it. So we got Depp and Hanks. Both were good in their respective films and both are good in general, but Hanks was kind of overshadowed by Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Charlie Wilson's War. And because of that I'm thinking this one will go to Depp.

BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Amy Adams, Enchanted
Nikki Blonsky, Hairspray
Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd
Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose
Ellen Page, Juno

Pretty much Ellen Page for Juno. Helena Bonham Carter's got a shot, but I'm thinking break through role, great performance in fairly dry field, young kid. The Golden Globes will gladly reward her work.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE
Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson's War
John Travolta, Hairspray
Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton

Difficult one. And may I say I am confused why Paul Dano was ignored for There Will Be Blood, when the boy stood toe-to-toe with Daniel Day-Lewis's great performance and gave some emotionally harrowing scenes. Anyway, I’m going to have to say, "No," to Hoffman, Travolta, and Wilkinson though. See my Best Actor reason for why Hoffman won’t get it and though I did say he stole the movie from Hanks it was more of his lines than his acting that did it, just plain no to John Travolta, and Wilkinson isn’t getting enough praise to shoot him for an award. So we’re left with the lesser Affleck and some Spanish dude. Now truthfully Affleck has had the better year overall with Jesse James, Gone Baby Gone, and truly evolving his Malloy character in Ocean’s 13 until he was the best part of that movie, but Javier Bardem was just so creepily good, and never has anyone made unscrewing a light bulb more badass. But I will say if Bardem doesn’t get a Globe for his work he’ll get the Oscar regardless.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE
Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There
Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson's War
Saiorse Ronan, Atonement
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

A much better showcase of talent the Best Actress Nominees and thus much harder to select a winner, but definitely the leaders of this back are Cate Blanchett and Amy Ryan. Both pulled off great performances and are experiencing awards already. However Cate Balnchett’s best thing going for her is also hindrance: the fact that she played Bob Dylan. Admittedly, she was spot-fucking-on, but it may be a tad too gimmicky, plus Amy Ryan is basically a new name, so she has that going for her, could go either way.

BEST SCREENPLAY
Diablo Cody, Juno
Ethan and Joel Coen, No Country for Old Men
Christopher Hampton, Atonement
Ronald Harwood, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Aaron Sorkin, Charlie Wilson's War

While the Coen Brothers are the greatest screenwriters of our generation (possible exception to Quentin Tarantino) and Aaron Sorkin’s writing is just so crisp and can balance superb comedy and drama, Diablo Cody is just so hot right now, and Juno’s not getting Best Picture so Best Screenplay is basically consolation prize for that

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Bee Movie
Ratatouille
The Simpsons Movie

Ratatouille.

BEST FOREIGN-LANGUAGE FILM
4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days (Romania)
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (France/U.S.)
The Kite Runner (U.S.)
Lust, Caution (Taiwan)
Persepolis (France)

A whole shit load of good foreign films. And since I haven’t seen any of these yet I can’t really put one over another, I’ll just give a rundown of what they have going for them. 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days won the Palme D’Or at Cannes, so it’s extremely good, perhaps too good and thus the rest of the world isn’t ready for it. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly already got its director a nod for Best Director. And for a foreign language film to do that is pretty damn good. The Kite Runner the highly praised movie based off the highly praised book. Lust, Caution is by the incomparable Ang Lee with the same crew as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (though the Chinese people don’t fly). And Persepolis is being lauded as the best cartoon of the year. Though if pressed for an answer I'd say The Diving Bell, because it's the only other one recognized in another category.

BEST SCORE
Atonement
Eastern Promises
Grace is Gone
Into the Wild
The Kite Runner

Really have no idea. Though Clint Eastwood did the score for Grace is Gone, which surprises me.

ORIGINAL SONG
''That's How You Know,'' Enchanted
''Grace Is Gone,'' Grace Is Gone
''Guaranteed,'' Into the Wild
''Despedida,'' Love In the Time of Cholera
''Walk Hard,'' Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

Yeah, same as above.

I Wanted To Call It "Super Blues Brothers" or "The League of Ordinary Gentlemen" or "Jak and Silent Bob" or...

2008-01-12T22:13:00.000-08:00

Hello, dear readers. Yes, shanedeaux makes his triumphant return. They tried to keep me out. They tried to silence my voice. They tried to have me arrested on conspiracy to commit treason. But they forgot that you can't keep out justice, you can't silence the truth, and you can't arrest someone with evidence seized without a search warrant. Being that as it may I have decided my voice is to vocal for political rhetoric and have moved to the realm of film where the worst that can happen is that Harvey Weinstein will cut off your balls (I'll win that round seeing as I have none).

Now if you are looking for an up-to-date review site on the films playing in your local cinemaplex this weekend where you'll take your girlfriend and try the ol' "popcorn gag" (pun intended) just to have her break up with you (phh! women), I'm afraid I won't be much help there. Not that I lack the knowledge and appreciation for movies that is required to review them, nor is it that I cannot write with quality or grace, cuz az u c i rite god. No, it's that I will rarely venture out to watch a recently released film in time for there to be a relevant review concerning it. So you are then probably wondering what the hell will my contributions to this soon-to-fail project called "Life in a Box" be. Well, I will say I watch an inordinate amount of film. And every movie watched from now on will be reviewed, regardless. So while this doesn't really help with new releases, if you want to see a good flick, but just can't think of any, you now can look to me, some random guy on the internet, to see if whatever random movie I've reviewed is worth your time and then probably just end up watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off again (I think it's good by the way). But that's not all you can expect from me, oh no. I will also gladly write other non-review related articles on movies and the movie world as a whole. These could range from "Top Ten Scenes Involving Rabbits" to "A Look at the Films of Akira Kurosawa" perhaps "My Predictions For the Oscars" or maybe even "Why is There Not a Hot Jessica that Can Act?: Or At Least Why Aren't They Limited to Nothing Else But Sex Scenes?". Yes, all this and more dear reader, all this and more (like some thoughts parenthetically for instance).

So now you know what to expect from me, but what do I expect from you (besides social security numbers from your closest family and friends, but we'll talk about that later)? I am one man with one opinion, probably one different from your own. Contrary to popular belief the internet is not just a place to share pornography and bitch about movies. There are times when you'll think what I say is stupid and retarded (probably redundant and repetitive too). Whatever, make your argument and get over it (plus your mother liked my pompous ass last night). The great thing about the world is that people have different thoughts and are not in lock step with one another. Diversity is great; embrace it. And take some comfort in knowing you don't have to actually hang out with me and you get to be friends with people who agree with everything you say. However, I feel my opinion is based on a credible knowledge of what is considered "a good film" and thus feel I should share that opinion with others. There are many times you and I will probably disagree about something, but it always good to hear someone else's thoughts on the subject. But also know that what I'll say will always be right, while whatever you say will always be wrong (unless you are of course agreeing with me). Glad we cleared that up.

Well, that about does her. Wraps her all up. Expect an installment soon. Unlike my gentleman companion Stads (read into that what you will) I probably won't branch into the video game writing though I probably will tackle television from time to time. And I won't end my posts with some gay quote. "Goodnight you princes of Maine, you kings of New England" seriously Stads? Why not just pull a Welty and suck my cock while you're at it? (talk about going out with a bang! Ba-dum-pa tchh!)

The Break Down

2008-01-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

First off, welcome to Life in a Box, a haven for those who want honest non-bias video game and movie reviews.

Ok, so there are hundreds of video game review sites out there, why start up another one? Well my hope is that some of you will read this because you are aware of what I am aware of- when all of these review sites are sporting advertisements from the games themselves, how can you know what's really good and what isn't?

You can't.

This is where I would like to help. I'm not receiving any money from advertisers, or getting the game for discount prices. I am spending full price on video games that I'm hoping will be entertaining. If they aren't worth my money, then I will always do my best to let you know as such.

I must confess that I have a small dream of being one of those people who gets the games a couple days before everyone else does, but aside from that, I have no selfish reason of starting a video game blog. Video games are something that I know something about, so why not share my knowledge with the masses? If you don't like what I have to say about a game, please never hesitate to share, not everyone can be graced with my infallible opinions.

I am not some journalistic geek fresh out of college, who knows everything there is to know about the gaming world, hasn't been on a date in 10 years, and is happy to finally be off acne medication. But I have owned pretty much every Nintendo since the original and wasted many hours, that admittedly could have been put to better use. But again, I am hoping to use my so called powers for good, and help people know what's worth their hard earned cash, and what's not before it's too late.

The rating system is still being tweaked and it will most likely take me a couple reviews to form a sort of logical pattern that can be interpreted by normal people. But my plan is to follow a normal zero to ten scale, and maybe throw decimals in there, just to mix things up. Complex, I know, but hopefully this way it will be easier for an individual to see what I see(or at the very least, attempt to.) As far as what will be reviewed, at the moment, I own an Xbox 360, and a Nintendo Wii, as well as a Nintendo DS. My apologies to those Sony fanatics out there, but I have yet to see a game available solely on that platform that was worth the $400.

This brings us to the final part of what will come to be known as Life in a Box, the movie reviews. These reviews will mostly be handled by my talented friend Shanedeaux. Every once and a while readers may be graced with my opinion on films, but believe me, his or going to be a whole lot better than mine anyhow. My understanding is that he will mostly focus on movies of the classic film genre, but I would rather give him a chance to explain himself than speak falsely on his behalf.

So that's basically Life in a Box, I hope you crazy internet users are ready for some great stuff. Until Next time

Goodnight, you princes of Maine. You kings of New England.