Best Ways to Quit Your Job (as seen in movies)

Hate your job? Loathe your work? Despise your occupation? Or maybe even abhor your vocation? If you answered yes to one or more of the above you may be a perfect candidate for quitting. "But Mr. Magic Internet Man, how am I supposed to do that?" you may be asking yourself. Well, like with most things in life, Hollywood provides the answer. Here are the seven best ways to quit your job from the world of celluloid leaving the bridge you cross burning behind you.

Honorable Mention: Giving God the Finger - Dogma

Though we never get to see it actually happen, any scenario that involves throwing down a flaming sword and flipping God the bird is a pretty awesome way to quit your job as the Angel of Death.

5. Lumberjack - And Now For Something Completely Different

Quitting a job to follow your true calling in and of itself isn't quite noteworthy, save for the fact that your true calling is being a lumberjack. And you have a song to go with it that slowly reveals you're a cross-dresser. Easy to pull off too. In the midst of your work, like dealing with a customer or defending your client in court, you just stand up and say, "I never wanted to do this. I wanted to be a lumberjack!" And you could easily replace "lumberjack" with "Vegas show dancer," "mime," really any weird occupation that no one would consider a calling. This sort of non-sequitar is a great way to go out that'll leave everybody scratching their heads, saying, "What just happened?"


4. Shut the Fuck Up - Wanted



It may get a little sappy and daytime talk show in the middle, but surely we all have known that feeling of wanting to tell off a superior in front of everyone.




3. Stop Hitting Yourself - Fight Club



Follow these three easy steps if you want to quit your job but still get paid. First, demand a year's salary and other various perks in exchange for not ratting on something illegal or immoral the company has done. Second, when your boss roundly refuses increase the seriousness of your threat by directly putting him in a compromising position. Third, walk away triumphantly.


2. My Job Consists Of... - American Beauty



Like Edward Norton, Kevin Spacey utilized the above steps with equally effective results. Even though their systems are the same, American Beauty trumps Fight Club for Spacey's explanation of his job and for going with the simpler sexual harassment suit for step two as opposed to beating the shit out of yourself.

1. Fuck You - Half-Baked

Scarface's simple and curt resignation is the best way to end your tenure at any company. Hell, it's the best way to do most things. Use it when break up with someone, as your speech at your high school graduation, or really just anytime you leave a room.

Review: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Kevin Smith’s second foray into making a movie without those beloved hetero life mates, the stoner duo Jason and Quiet Robert. No Askewniverse in this one folks. No references to Julie Dwyer. No scene at a Quick Stop. No Canadian female singers as God. Not even Ben Affleck. Just straight up real world antics of porn making (something everyone and their grandmother can relate to).

Basically the title says it all. Zack and Miri make a porno. Perhaps a more wordy plot summary would be: Lifelong platonic friends and roommates Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) find themselves in financial straits and facing losing their apartment so decide the lucrative idea of making a porno would be a quick and easy way of getting quick cash and enlist several old and new friends in their endeavor, but did not expect to have the newly risen romantic feelings of having sex with each.

It’s a very heartwarming picture with the relationship of Zack and Miri at the center, which is a difficult prospect given its subject matter. Unfortunately the flick does fall into the trappings of a typical romantic comedy. You know, where there’s this big blow-up between the two characters over what is simply misinformation. The porn angle does bring new credence and problems to this unimaginative turn, but still, c’mon. Luckily the acting and writing is able to rise above these trappings, but just barely. I also would’ve appreciated some more development on the peripheral characters in the film. Everybody they hire on to help quickly becomes best friends, which just seems a little forced (bow chicka wow-wow) given we only see them spend like four days together all if involving the prospect of soulless sex for money. The movie does present the idea that everyone is enjoying themselves in the project (it seemed more like they were making small movie among friends rather than a fuckfest), but I still would’ve preferred more background and growth.

Really where the movie fails is humor wise, which I found quite surprising. Not that it’s unfunny, because it’s quite funny, just not to the level we’ve seen from Smith over the years. There are still the brilliant comedic mot justes only he can spew, but just not enough for my taste. Seemed to be more Judd Apatow related (which isn’t too surprising given it seems more than half the cast is an Apatow alum). Special mention of Craig Robinson, who manages some truly great comedic deliveries. As well as the great cameos of Justin Long and Brandon Routh.

So Zack and Miri isn’t so much a comedy as it is a romantic comedy for the couple that doesn’t mind foul language, porn, and a flood of poop humor in their love stories. And really aren’t these the foundations of love anyway?

Rating: 6.5/10

Review: W.

W. is an interesting film. Not thought provoking. Not emotionally stimulating. Just… interesting. I’m not quite sure what it is, but it just manages to not be enthralling. It’s a biopic about one of the most opinion invoking political figures of our time (go ahead ask somebody how they feel about Bush, I’m pretty sure they’re going to have a strong opinion), that just manages to be flat and tiring.

The movie is about the 43rd president of the United States of America, George Walker Bush (grey haired fella, squints a lot, current leader of our nation), focusing primarily on the Iraq War, his difficulty finding meaningful work after graduation, his alcohol abuse, and most importantly his tumultuous bond with his father and living up to his expectations.

I think it’s the editing and pacing of the movie that throws it for me. The film keeps moving throughout Bush’s life, skipping around from his presidency, to his college days, to his various jobs, to his attempts at running for office. Obviously these skips are supposed to be unified in dealing Bush’s main struggle: his relationship with his father. Still, maybe because this struggle never really captivated me, the whole movie feels disjointed. Without a proper singular narrative thread the film just sat there and played itself out. It never drew me in. It never popped out to excite me. Which is interesting for an Oliver Stone flick as he’s always been great at making pseudo-good flicks that were at the very least entertaining.

Like the movie, performance wise nothing really jumped out at me. Everyone does fantastic jobs at emulating their respective real world counterparts, going beyond doing a simple impersonation. They all went deeper than just imitating voice and mannerisms, making them real characters. Now obviously this shows brilliant skill from the thespians, but still no one performance ever grabbed you. Jeffrey Wright (Colin Powell) and Richard Dreyfuss (Dick Cheney) get close. As does the incomparable James Cromwell (George H.W. Bush), but that may be because he never really tried to impersonate George Bush Sr. and solely acted. Even Josh Brolin doesn’t amaze, and he was fantastic as the president. I realize how contradictory that sounds, but that’s just how this movie is. It could be that these characters never have any really big moments where they can emote where someone starts yelling or crying or whatever, and all the performances have to rely on subtlety. And the nuances were great; they just didn’t lead anywhere. But the entire movie seemed to follow that pattern: a whole lot of well done nothing. And well done nothing is still nothing (besides I like my nothing medium-rare; that's right I just made that joke).

Maybe I was looking for it to be a more interesting character study of our President, or maybe I was looking for a little more perspective historically speaking. Oliver Stone really dropped the ball in the shower with this one. Whatever it was W. was a lackluster look at this man we call Big Papa Smurf (well I’m sure someone does).

Rating: 6/10

Review: Sex Drive

When has a teen sex comedy ever been good?

No. You’re wrong. That’s a horrible movie.

So is that one.

Eh… I wouldn’t consider that one a teen sex comedy. More like a coming of age/underdog story.

Anyway as we've just proven, there isn’t a good one. Teen sex comedies were run into the ground during the 80’s, then started to come back in the late 90’s before it was mercifully shot out behind the chemical shed to put the genre out of its misery. Sex Drive is the zombie that rose from the grave. Sure it technically functions, but it’s lifeless and solely out to eat our brains.

Road trip to lose guy’s virginity. That’s it. That's the plot. All you need to know. I’m sure you can fill in all the gaps from there. Everything in Sex Drive has been done. The characters. The premises. The jokes. The plot. Everything. In fact they’ve all been done to death. It’s like Weekend at Bernie’s. All they did was prop sunglasses on these corspsified ideas and paraded them throughout the movie. It’s not especially bad, just uninspired and so very, very worn (insert joke about your mom here).

I will give some credit to both Seth Green’s subtlety sarcastic Amish character and James Marsden’s pumped up asshole. But honestly neither performance was really that great, just the only thing in this film that could be constituted as good.

Perhaps the one amusing thing you might take away from the movie is “RUMSPRINGA!!!” For those not familiar with Amish people outside of Witness and Weird Al’s Amish Paradise, Rumspringa is the period in young Amish people’s lives where they get a chance to experience the outside world (technology, drunken debaucheries, sober debaucheries, and so forth) so they can have a educated choice about staying with their religion (most chose to come back, go figure). Anyway our teens happen upon Seth Green’s community in the middle of this event, and there is this one wasted Amish chick who continually shouts, “RUMSPRINGA!!!” usually as an echo of its mention. It’s an amusing gag, and one I plan to carry over in my personal life, shouting “RUMSPRINGA!!!” anytime its appropriate (wild parties, Spring Break, and like) and even when it’s not appropriate (church, hospitals, things of that nature).

I’m bored with talking about this movie, so I’m forgoing a relevant conclusion instead finishing with telling you why the ending paragraph isn’t about the movie, which is of course this sentence you're reading right now.

RATING: 3/10

Metal Gear Solid 4 Review

For those of you who have forgotten, my name is Stads, and I do video game reviews, I haven't done one in forever because I was in another country, and saving up for a playstation 3 (those things are expensive.)  For those of you who hardly ever read this blog because we rarely post, screw you guys, video games aren't cheap, and neither are movies. Though movies are admitedly much less costly than video games, what the hell shandeaux? The whole point of this otherwise pointless venture into blogging is that we're just average joes who enjoy movies and video games, and think we actually might know a little more than those so called "professional reviewers." I will step off my soap box now, it was slippery up there anyway.

On to Metal Gear Solid 4, the so called "must have PS3 title." The game that everyone said was going to save the playstation. Well they were wrong, Sony can save the Playstation only though Blue-ray. Metal Gear Solid 4 is not an inherently bad game, it just happens to be more of a movie than a video game. A very impressive movie at that, but still a movie. This is one of those games that Sony up in their tower, will probably never drop the price on, and I'm telling you, it is not worth 60 dollars. The game has roughly 10 hours of cutscenes, and somewhere around 10 hours of gameplay. This means, you are watching the game as much as you are playing it. I got the impression that good ol' Hideo just had too much left that he wanted to say. Registration is bad, war is harmful, aging is ok, the messages go on and on.  Normally I like a game with plot too. I want to know why I want to kill this guy with a mustache and someone else's arm that controls his thought(what?) But the story just makes no sense! It never has, either, and the gameplay has always made up for it, but in my mind this time, there was just too much preaching. To me, it was like watching Fight Club, after everyone else told you it was a really great movie. You finish the movie, and are confused, wondering how it was good. Finally you decide it must have been good, because that's what everyone else said, and you don't want to sound stupid.

 I know that if anyone actually read this blog, all these die-hard Metal Gear fans would be jumping down my throat, Kojima is a genius, the game is brilliant. Well of course you people like it, you're hardcore Metal Gear fans. You were so invested in the first game, that you've been living off it's good will ever since. It's like season one of Lost, it was great, so great in fact that it has kept people watching crap for 3 more seasons. That is a little unfair, Metal Gear Solid 2 was also good, providing as you didn't play as Raiden. 

The only true way to enjoy the game is to skip past every single cutscene, which will of course leave you wondering why you're crawling through the Middle East, but still it's better than wondering why you're crawling through the middle east picking up weapons for a hairless monkey. The replay value is actually pretty good, if you're the type who like to collect achievements (trophies, sorry Sony.) And I have to say for once a game that lets you change difficulty's in a continued game.

I feel I have to comment on Metal Gear Online, at least a little. My main problem with it was that you have to jump through ten different hoops before you can play, download a huge patch, install a huge patch, mail in a letter signed in triplicate and notarized, kill you first born son, etc. You can't even use your Playstation Network ID, you have to make one through them. Playstation 3 is capable of inredible graphics, but it doesn't seem capable of a decent multiplayer experience.

In the end, if you're bored with the other Playstation 3 games that are actually well done, like Uncharted, and you have spare cash, Metal Gear Solid 4 is worth it, simply because the graphics will leave you speechless. But if you own any other console, I really would recommend not buying this title, Playstation is going to have to come up with a different "must have" exclusive title. I have faith some great ones are coming.

Rating 7/10 

Review: Eagle Eye

I now have a review paradox. Without spoiling the movie, the review would be nothing but vague and rambling (which someone could argue wouldn’t be different from any other of my reviews). However, giving away this nugget of the plot truly does ruin the movie, as in I was actually digging the flick until the big secret was revealed. So I either ruin any pleasure one can derive from the film, before it even happens, or I can reveal the big secret to give a more accurate picture of why this movie fails. Whatever. Let the spoilers rain down!

Ok, so plot is everyday slacker Jerry Shaw (Shia TheBeouf) is framed as being a terrorist by some unknown entity, who uses him as an agent to perform various acts for them, all while monitoring him by hacking into various uses of surveillance that exist (security cameras, cellphones, etc.) and helping him out, by again hacking into various machinery that exist (traffic lights, large cranes, etc.). He is accompanied by single mom Rachel Holloman (Michelle Monaghan), who is also being coerced by the mysterious forces by threatening to derail the train seven year-old her son is on to go and play a concert in Washington (the important one, not the state). Also government officials (various actors) are pursuing them.

Ok, then the curtained is pulled back and we all discover what’s really going on. Turns out surveillance monitoring government computer has gone rogue, because when it determined attacking that the person the US government thought was a major terrorist was unwise because facial recognitioning couldn’t get a high percent chance of likelihood it was the dude, it was ignored and the president went ahead with the strike anyway. Well, turns out the computer was correct, it wasn’t the guy, so now pissed off Middle Easterns are blowing up US embassies in retaliation for us killing innocent people (but how innocent are they? They are living in the Middle East). So now the computer, in order to prevent further loss of American lives through poor decision making, feels that it should kill the president and various other people along the chain of command, putting the Secretary of Defense (Michael “The Thing” Chiklis) in charge. It’s kinda assumed this is because he did advise the president to listen to the computer’s advice, so I guess the computer feels he’d be better in charge. But Jerry Shaw’s twin brother in the Army discovered the computer’s coup and put a security lock-down or whatever, so the computer could not follow through with it. The computer then kills Jerry’s twin with its traffic magic, before he can tell anyone, but since he is the only one who can unlock the computer, the computer gets his twin to do it, because that’s just as good. Then the computer can use single mom Rachel’s son to kill everybody at the State of the Union address through music (remember how I mentioned him briefly at the beginning? You thought he wasn’t going to be a part of it right, just a secondary character to add pathos? Well you were wrong!). Will the computer take over America? Or will somehow against all odds will Jerry rise to the occasion and stop it? Pay $8.50 to find out. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Ok, really? A sentient computer goes rogue and takes over humanity? Really? I mean forget that this movie is ideologically speaking exactly 2001: A Space Odyssey, except you replace the space ship with America, you’ve still got so many other movies with the exact same thing happening, Terminator, The Matrix, I, Robot, that one unaired episode of the Jetsons where Rosie malfunctions and kills Elroy, the list goes on. And that’s really a shame because when I saw the previews I was very interested in enjoying the ride this flick was going to be. Enjoying the action of the good ol’ Hitchcock average guy caught up in international intrigue, while we slowly learn who’s behind, what they are doing, and then of course why they are doing it. Once it was revealed that Hal 9000 was behind it all my interest really just took a nose dive. It was like someone had a good idea, but couldn’t really think of a good reason why this all was happening so they just reused 2001 and called it a day. And look I’m all in support of movies stealing from one another. Quentin Tarantino has proven this is a good way to make awesome movies. But you have to take the idea and make it yours, not just take the idea and shove it in your plot so your movie has some place to go. Admittedly they made it political in nature, but that just means they mixed it with Dr. Strangelove too.

Admittedly this is the only way the movie fails (of course it is, as the kids are saying, an “epic fail”) The action is suspenseful and cool, TheBeouf and Monaghan have good chemistry and sell their respective predicaments, and the political intrigue works well, if you can get your mind to ignore the super computer thing (and you have to really want to ignore it).

So if you don’t care about stupid, trite, hackneyed, stilted, clichéd, unimaginative pseudo-twist that ruined this movie for me, you should enjoy the flick. TheBeouf is still great and has plenty of potential. Hopefully he’ll be in movie that isn’t an affront to the annals of cinema.

Rating: 5/10

Review: Burn After Reading

Oh man how I love the Coen Brothers. And this film is another reason why. This spy story sifting with stupidity is by far the funniest movie I have seen this year. The writing/directing pair have crafted another great film that blurs the line of the genres it lifts from. It’s bleak, it’s funny, it’s spiteful, all while simultaneously being and not being a typical spy thriller. Just thinking about it now makes me smile and want to see it again soon. Also how can you not love that poster?

So the movie is about a recently terminated CIA analyst Osborne Cox (John Malkovitch) who decides to spend his retirement drinking and writing some memoirs (which he overly pronounces the French). Through a series of follies some of these writings end up in the hands of two gym employees, super naïve, over exuberant Chad Feldheimer (Brad Pitt) and Linda Litzke (Francis McDormand) who is trying to both find the money to get a bunch of plastic surgery done and find someone through a dating website. They believe this to be highly sensitive information, which they can use as leverage to get some quick cash. Meanwhile, very cold Mrs. Cox (Tilda Swinton) is quickly divorcing her unemployed husband for Harry Pfarrer (George Clooney) who despite also being married and boning Mrs. Cox, trolls internet match sites for other partners as well, including Linda Litzke. And this sets up the story, and, because this is a Coen Brother’s flick, nothing goes right for anyone. I’ll let the film itself take you on its various twists and turns.

A cloak and dagger plot comprised of nothing but morons. Again this is an immensely funny movie with superb performances all around. Clooney and Pitt steal the show with their very different brands of idiots. Malkovitch is great as a pedantic, smug asshole who becomes increasingly frustrated with being fired, being divorced, and having two idiots blackmail him. And then there is the fabulous Tilda Swinton and Francis McDormand who both turn great roles. Also Richard Jenkins and J.K. Simmons have great small roles as CIA higher-ups who are just trying to figure out what the hell’s going on with this cast of characters while still maintaining their distance.

Sure, there are some minor issues. The story takes awhile before the real laughs start coming. They spend some time pushing the boulder up the hill, but then it starts slowly gaining momentum, and soon it’s speeding past the trees, crashing into the little German village below, killing many and completely destroying much of their livelihoods (in this metaphor destruction of a German town signifies enjoyment, and the speed of the boulder is laughter, or something like that, I really stopped paying attention halfway into it). Another thing is that there is no one to root for. These characters are so horrible or so stupid that you have no one to truly empathize with. Malkovitch’s character is too pompous and abrasive. McDormand’s is blindly obsessed with vanity that she becomes more pitied. And while Clooney’s character is certainly endearing, he hardly is involved enough to be the true protagonist of the film. Because of this it could be easy to feel that this film has no heart, like Marge Gunderson was in Fargo. But then again this isn’t a film about heart. This is a film about idiocy. And the fact that this was a cinematic Tin Man didn’t bother me. I don’t think it takes away from the film and it certainly doesn’t from the comedy. Now the only other thing is that with Emmanuel Lubezki (Children of Men) working the camera and the Coens behind it I was hoping for greater visuals. I mean these three have shown utter brilliance in cinematography, and while the film looks fantastic it just wasn’t anything to fawn over, like some of their other films. Though, this is hardly a fair complaint, and it’s possible that I was too busy watching the movie that I wasn’t really watching the camerawork, but still something to bring up.

Highly recommend it. It ranks high amongst the Coen's best work, which pretty much means it's one of the greatest ever made. If you’re a fan of the Coen’s other comedies than this is right up your alley. And if you’re not a fan of the Coen’s other comedies why the hell are you watching movies? Why aren’t you getting a CAT scan to figure out what sort of mental deformities (plural) that you must have? Oh, and why you’re there can you do me a favor and swipe some gauze and morphine?

Rating 8.5/10

Crazy 4 Cult 2

Last Friday was the opening night for art show Crazy 4 Cult 2: This Time It’s Personal at LA’s Gallery 1988, which also brought us the original Crazy 4 Cult as well as the classic videogame related I am 8-bit. Now I didn’t have the chance to attend as a trip to LA general requires things like money, but I’m not disappointed. I mean just because it’s a gathering of fans of the greatest cult films to see artwork related to said films. And just because it was hosted by one of my favorite writer/directors (in that order) Kevin Smith and his überproducer Scott Mosier. And because the first Crazy 4 Cult featured some appearances by indie greats Richard Kelly (Donnie Darko) and Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead). Doesn’t necessarily mean I wanted to be there or would’ve done anything to do so. Anyway, from stealing off their website here are a few of my favorite pieces. be sure to check out the rest of the work here http://www.crazycult2.blogspot.com/, there may still be a few pieces left to buy.

Review: Tropic Thunder

This is a funny a movie. It had some truly great performances. And its mockery of the Hollywood industry really hit some high notes. But still this movie was a disappointment. That is because throughout the film you see the etchings of a much greater movie hidden within, a movie that two generations later people will still be discovering and passing on. Instead what we get is merely a funny movie, one that will be greatly quoted for six months and enjoy a healthy stay on Netflix’s rental queue and then slowly fade away.

Tropic Thunder chronicles the making of a Vietnam War movie. Unfortunately the untried director is having trouble handling his stars, a fading action star, a drug addled comedian, an Academy Award winner in blackface, a rapper turned brand name, and… some other guy, which is making his film fall behind schedule, go over budget, and having the producers threatening his nutsack (is “nutsack” two words?). So to get the shots and acting he needs in time he decides to put all the actors in the jungle away from all their handlers and assistants, and shoot the thing guerilla style with help from the Vietnam Vet who wrote the book and the FX guy. Unfortunately things take a wrong turn and the actors find themselves combating Asian drug smugglers at first thinking it’s part of the movie. So think Three Amigos. Or Galaxy Quest. Or A Bug’s Life. But with more satire on Hollywood.

The film is funny. Robert Downey Jr., as the Academy Award Winner, does a superb job of a guy who is just way into his role (hence the advanced blackface to play the platoon’s African-American sergeant). Ben Stiller, as the action star (as well as director and co-writer of the actual film), is also phenomenal as a guy who is just trying way too hard. I have also found new respect for Tom Cruise (actually make that any respect) who plays the hard-balled (is “hard-balled” hyphenated?) movie producer. And while a minor role I’d also like to give some props to SNL cast member Bill Hader who was just comedic perfection as Cruise’s right hand man. Jay Baruchel, as the aforementioned some other guy, does a good job as the always underrated straight man of the film, even if his character is a little too convenient for the movie. And Brandon Jackson, as the rapper, does okay with the little material he is given. Jack Black, as the comedian, does not fair so well. In fact the man has only one funny thing in the entire flick, I mean it’s definitely one of the funniest, but it’s still his only one, despite numerous efforts.

But it’s not really the performances that prevent Tropic Thunder from becoming more than a summer smash (again, other than Jack Black’s), it’s mostly in this film’s difficulty finding it’s voice, like a young boy going through puberty, with his nubile body sprouting curly black hairs in new places completely ruining the appeal. It’s kind of like they filled a shotgun with a variety of jokes and didn’t care where they landed in the story, and not in the good way like a Marx Brothers movie. Their subtle and sometimes glaringly awkward references to various other Vietnam movies faired ok. However, their parodies are uninspired and unnecessary, such as mocking the multiple Murphy movie The Nutty Proffesor II: The Klumps (I mean when you parody fart humour with fart humour, you really don’t accomplish much) or the seven second Russell Crowe is Australian/wins awards/punches people joke, which sets up Downey’s character, but no other allusions of this nature to his real life counterpart are in the film, other than the occasional Aussie reference, which were horrible jokes anyhow (though some were saved by Downey’s responses). But while their parodies were shallow, their satires were great when they actually took the time to expound on them, like Cruise’s so-mean-he-intimidates-drug-lords producer or a brilliant and inspiring conversation on how an actor never goes “full retard” for a role. But the ones they didn’t really bother to develop, like Jackson’s rapper, Alpo Chino, (say it aloud) becoming nothing more than a marketing tool for his energy drink and power bar (get Booty Sweat and Bust-a-Nut today!), deserved better than their single scene occurrences. There was just so much material floating in the air that they never pinned down. You get the sense that the movie lost a lot of weight in the editing room for the sake of just putting in the jokes. Which is probably why when Jack Black’s character has a breakdown at the end of the film over why he feels the needs to take drugs, you don’t even care. Because the movie never took the time establish this. While Stiller’s character’s breakdown is more acceptable because they took the time to build it up first, not just throwing it at us. Oh, and then there was just weird thing about how the writer of the book wasn't really in Vietnam that didn't lead anywhere; it was comepletely asanine to exist in the movie.

As such we (or probably just me) are left unsatisfied. We see where the jokes and character development could’ve gone, but because of the cutting the parts they left in just feel flat and wasteful. And just on a side note, Matthew McConaughey, who plays Stiller’s agent, really weirded me out in this picture. I mean, I’ve always kinda given him a free pass because I mean, c’mon, he was Wooderson. But for some reason his presence really angered me. I really don’t know why. I guess maybe because it was a good chance to put someone good in a small role and it was wasted on him, and that he should stick to cringe worthy (is cringe worthy two words?) romantic comedies with what should’ve been Goldie Hawn’s abortion (Kate Hudson for you playing at home) and piss-poor (again, hyphenated?) action/adventure flicks. I really don’t know where I was going with that, just something I felt like sharing.

So again, the movie works for laughs, but it could’ve been better and you sense it all while you’re watching it. Instead of worthy satire, you get what will probably be the best movie in the future Stiller/Black movie boxset (one word?).

Rating: 6/10

10 Great Cinematic Sociopaths

In honor of the Joker, who truly sets the bar for crazy society upheaving id, I'm going to run down some other superb psychopaths on film.

10. Francis Begbie (Trainspotting)

If Renton is right and the Scottish are the “most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization”, Francis “Franco” Begbie somehow manages to ooze below that bar. In a film of heroin junkies, Franco stands out as a beyond horrible person. His addiction is not smack, but violence and hurting people. He glees at the girl bleeding from the recent head wound or at any opportunity for a violent altercation. He is a uncaring and unsympathetic man, who sucks down everyone around him in his world of horrid. Even when Renton has kicked the habit, living clean and legitimate in London, it is Franco’s arrival, needing a place to hide from cops, that sends Renton back on self destructive habit.

Defining Moment: Tossing his empty beer glass over his shoulder to haphazardly start a bloody bar fight because, you know, nothing else was going on.

9. Mickey and Mallory Knox (Natural Born Killers)


As the title suggest this pair just likes to kill, plain and simple. Though I suppose it is important for a married couple to do things together.

Defining Moment: Escaping from jail and doubling their body count on live TV.









8. Henry (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer)

Forced to watch his mom have sex with her clients, sometimes while dressed up as a girl, Henry finally snaps and murders her, though it’s very possible this a lie as he switches how he murdered her from strangulation to stabbing to shooting. The man doesn’t seem to take joy in killing or show an uncontrollable need to do it, but he is practiced in it enough to know how to school a friend in the finer art of avoiding detection.

Defining Moment: Proving in the final scene that he will always be a monster no matter what.

7. Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men)

The Coen Brothers have a knack for creating men who are a personification of unstoppable evil, and Anton Chigurh will no doubt be the most remembered of their chilling antagonists. Sure there’s the haircut, and of course the killing, but it’s more than that that makes him standout. It’s his demented smile when he’s strangling a cop with his handcuffs. It’s his unique use of killing with an air gun. It’s him sparing people’s lives based on the fate of the coin flips. These are the things that shock you when you first see it happen. That make veteran sheriff Tommy Lee Jones retire. That stick in your mind hours later, as you dreamily think about what he’s like in bed… uh… I mean… what?

Defining Moment: Killing the men who just hired him for no apparent reason.





6. Tommy Devito (Goodfellas)

It’s a sad case really. Being in an organization above the law he has a lot of freewill to just do what he wants. And he is in a constant state to prove his machismo against all the other mobsters to show how tough he is. Throw in a rather choleric persona, and we have a recipe for a lot of unnecessary and angry killings. Murdering on whims, keeping everyone around you so frightened they are afraid to compliment you less it be taken in the wrong way, and no one calls him on this. They are only pissed they have to keep on digging graves. He really is someone to be pitied. Poor, poor man.

Defining Moment: Killing the kid he previously shot in the foot while making him dance, because he sassed him.

5. Max Cady (Cape Fear)

I am of course talking about Robert Mitchum’s pitch perfect bad guy, not Robert DeNiro’s surprisingly inferior one. It’s practically awe inspiring how methodical this man gets in torturing the family of Gregory Peck’s Sam Bowden, the man who testified, putting him away. He stewed in prison learning the law in order to take his revenge within the letter of what is legal or at the very least to leave no evidence. The man instills fear, watching the family as they go bowling, hanging outside the daughter’s school, poisoning the family dog. And then he is able to file suit against the cops for harassment and provoke Gregory Peck into assaulting him. The man is frightening, of course being helped by Bernard Hermann’s spectacular leitmotif helps.

Defining Moment: The psychological torture of giving a mother the choice to have sex with him or allow her daughter to be raped, which he has no fear of reprisal because he doesn’t think Bowden would put his daughter on the stand to relive the experience, is the clincher.

4. Vic Vega (Reservoir Dogs)

Everything unravels during a caper for the hip criminals in Quentin Tarantino’s directorial debut. It is believed that one them is a cop and no one knows who to trust. Everyone’s a suspect. That is except for Mr. Blonde, because no one seems to think that a cop would go on an unnecessary shooting spree during the robbery (though to be fair if they hadn't done what he told them not to do, they'd still be alive). And certainly not be so calm about it to right afterward to grab a Kahuna burger, some fries, and a drink. Or you know kidnap a cop to torture. Mr. White is disgusted with him and with Joe for putting him on a job with the whack job. It takes a special breed of sick for cop killers to be pissed-off at just being in your presence.

Defining Moment: Everyone knows the scene. He starts off saying he doesn’t care what the cop says, he’s going to be tortured because “it’s amusing for [him] to torture a cop”. A jig to “Stuck in the Middle with You” by Stealers Wheel and a pan later, Vic Vega is talking into the cop’s dismembered ear and about to set him on fire.

3. Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)

Sure the man has an unquenchable urge to kill and revels in blood, but it’s this dude’s vanity that is the scariest thing. The man is on the burst of tears for fear he won’t get a good table at a restaurant, does hundreds of crunches and is on an anorexic diet, despite having Christian Bale's body, and feels the need the kill a fellow employee because people think he has a superior business card. He is so wrapped in the shallow New York business world of the 80s of bigger and better and flaunting it, the fact that he uses the murdered business partner’s apartment as rather messy treasure trove of Saran wrapped dissected bodies and has a carving utensils at the ready is the less disturbing thing. Though not be a whole lot. And on a side note, how does a nude man who chases a screaming and bloody prostitute with an equally bloody and screaming chainsaw through an apartment building not attract anyone’s attention? I mean at least someone yelling at them to keep it down.

Defining Moment: Enjoying his reflection in the mirror, while fucking two women.

2. Frank Booth (Blue Velvet)

God this guy is sick. And so creepy. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared of a fictional character than I was of Frank Booth. And not just that this guy would gut me like a fish or put on lipstick and kiss me at a moment’s notice, but also because I was scared for him. I mean the dude really needs help. He has issues in that freaky way only David Lynch would think of and Dennis Hopper could pull off. And the guy manages to control everyone around him with no more than ballsy intimidation, forcing himself into someone’s home, making Kyle MacLachlan ride around and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon with him, and gently coercing a woman to be a party to his demented sex after kidnapping her husband and son. A true inspiration to the children.

Defining Moment: Inexplicitly switching from helpless infant to drug crazed sadist in one hell of a sex scene.

1. Alex DeLarge (A Clockwork Orange)

In a list full of sickos, murderers, sexual deviants, and people addicted to violence, it takes someone with a special characteristic on top of all that to true shine above. Alex DeLarge is that someone. Yes, the others murder and rape without remorse like he does, taking upmost happiness in pain and blood, but none of the others on this list reached their peak sociopathic tendencies at the age of 14. Stanely Kubrick’s adaptation of Anthony Burgess’s stunning world of a future of roving with teenage gangs doing what they will to whoever they will can send shivers down the most hardened spine. I mean this kid is so horrible Burgess had to invent a whole new word to describe his heightened level of depravity: ultra-violence. But it the scary idea isn’t that a kid who’s balls have just sprouted hair can do these things, it’s that the film tells us because it is his choice, it is better than an automation just doing what is right. You tell them that during your next murder trial.

Defining Moment: A stunning rendition of “Singin’ in the Rain” whilst violently crippling a man before gang-raping his wife.

Review: Hancock

This is a very adult superhero movie. And I don’t mean in that Will Smith finally shows us his penis (don’t worry we’ll get him someday), no I mean in the characters and problems everything is more mature than what we’ve seen in the superhero flicks of yore. Yes, yes, we’ve seen conflicted superheroes and ones with troubled pasts, but the entire tone of this movie is less sugary than even Batman Begins. Also there is a whole Hancock being an allegory for America or whatever.

So John Hancock (Will Smith) is a drunk, brazen, and careless superhero. When he is stopping crime and saving lives it is largely with a great amount of destruction and his people skills are unrefined to say the least. So the public is clamoring for him to straighten up or simply to just go away. These taunts and suggestions fell on the superhero’s deaf ears, that is until he saves the life of a public relations worker (Jason Bateman) who in return wants to help Hancock improve his public image, much of the chagrin of his wife (Charlize Theron, not mentally retarded this time) who holds the same view as the majority of the people. So Hancock tries to clean up his act all while dealing with his troubling mysterious past.

As I said this cape movie is more adult. Hancock’s, in fact all the character’s, actions and emotions are well crafted believable representations of who they are and what they feeling based on what’s happening to them. Hancock as an uncaring drunk, stemming from his pressure as a hero, alienation of his powers from the rest of the world, and uncertain past is I think a genius turn on the superhero story. Bateman’s character as a slightly naïve altruistic PR rep, works well with Smith’s cynicism and general id response. And it’s humorous to see this interplay of what is essentially the ability to do anything and doing the greater good for the world that these two characters can represent. And after this Freudian struggle the movie then delves into the problems of Hancock’s past. And this is where I feared the movie would become trite and unsatisfying, but it did not disappoint. It still chose to defy superhero conventions and bring about an unexpected road that provides, again, a real adult manifestation. Humor, drama, action, characters, especially characters, this movie has quite the tidy little package of entertainment.

Still, I have some qualms. I am theoretical about how his powers in relation to his past work, as it is not specifically stated. And there are parts that seem a tad contradictory because of this. Maybe more detail about this would solve the problem, and it’s not a huge detail without, but can be a little irksome and confusing. The only other issue is: boy does this director like close-ups. I mean at least half of the movie was Smith’s, Bateman’s, or Theron’s head taking up the entire movie screen. I haven’t seen this much huge face in frame since Hard Candy (that’s not really a joke, it’s just that Hard Candy also had a lot of headshots too).

So good, entertaining, and very, very smart. You’ll come for the Smith, you’ll stay for the character development.

Rating: 9/10

Review: WALL-E

I never thought a robot would give me so much enjoyment or pleasure. Least not until they perfect sexbots and they are out on the market long enough to be at an affordable price. I mean I’m not shilling out top dollar for complete anatomical correctness while my hand and five-dollar Mexican hookers work fine. Where was I? Ah, yes reviewing a children’s film. Anyway that lovable little titular robot has the ability to warm any icy heart with his antics.

WALL-E is a stupendous flick. It is one of the top Pixar flicks (right now I’m placing it behind Finding Nemo), which means it can hold its own against some the greatest of all time. Basically, WALL-E tells the story of WALL-E lonely robot, looking like a miniaturized Number 5 from Short Circuit, who is searching for companionship. But instead of putting the moves on Ally Sheady causing some weird robo/homo love triangle with Steve Gutenberg, he finds love in EVE, looking like what a penguin would look like if designed by Mac, who was built to find life on Earth if it should ever become suitable to sustain life again. Oh yeah now’s a good time to mention the B-plot. Apparently in the future we trash our planet so much we must abandon it by shipping out and cruising space in large space cruise ship, where we become morbidly obese and absorbed only our digital screens for entertainment (where do these writers come up with this fantastical stuff?) So EVE sees the plant that WALL-E discovered and returns it to the space cruise ship, but returning to Earth is not so easy. Apparently the CEO/President of Earth figured the planet was hopeless now and told the auto-pilot, played HAL 9000 in his big return to the screen, to disregard any return home. So EVE, WALL-E, and the captain, whom upon learning of the past splendors of Earth and the horrible state we left realizes we must return to fix, must overcome the odds and protect life on Earth as we know it.

Pixar really shows its strength in animation and storytelling here by its use of silent robots as characters and still being able to create recognizable characteristics. Even with small part robot characters you can easily describe what their personality is by the small dalliances in their actions. It’s a mark of their visual mastery and the ability to convey exactly what they need to, to the audience. Live action movies should make an attempt to prefect their character's like Pixar does. Along with that the animation is wonderful. Even the horrible, dank, dusty, rusty Earth that fills the first half-hour is splendidly crafted. As I’m sure you can tell by the trailer, WALL-E is adorable. He appeals to the lonely auto matron in all of us. His antics, selflessness, and desire for love is very reminiscent of Charlie Chaplin’s Tramp character. And they do a very good job of giving you a lesson and not being heavy handed about it all.

So yadda yadda yadda it’s a great flick and you should go see it. Though I’d imagine if you have kids or a girlfriend they’ll be dragging you to it. And if you don’t have either of them, then you might just consider just staying home and wait for those sexbots I mentioned (I know I will).

Rating: 8/10

Review: Wanted

Ok so I read the comic book that this film was based on. When I started looking into exactly what Wanted was about (other than the stupidity that is curving a bullet) and saw that the source material was about a pseudo amalgamation existence of Fight Club and The Matrix, where your life is shit and just go through with it and are noe satisfied and are dogged by the norms of society and are hoping and could even sense something greater out there (also known as your regualr pathetic existence), but instead of discovering everything is a computer program or that you are schizophrenic, you find out you have an awesome power and are destined to be a part of a group that does whatever they want, takes whatever they want, with no consequences and you are freed from your shitty life, and are also looking into who killed your father, it interested me. Basically a superhero origin story, but instead of saving people you do whatever it is you ever wanted. I mean even few villains are like that, they’re either fighting for a purpose or have a vendetta or something. So the character possibilities seemed interesting. Now admittedly the comic book couldn’t quite pull it off, but the idea was still interesting brain food. So naturally what the movie did was take all that was interesting about the book drop that and ending up with a flat idea that wasn’t pulled off very well.

As I sort of stated the plot is a about a guy who hates his shitty life, but then discovers he is super talented (in this case he has perfect aim and other stuff) and is destined to be a part of a group of assassins that his father belonged to before he was offed. So he does this and changes and stuff.

Ok so here’s where the movie sucks. Instead of s group of villains who secretly seized power to do whatever they WANTED (huh? huh? anyone know where that’s from? know what the title means, but is now pointless no that the plot was changed?) it’s a group of altruistic assassins who kill people based on what a loom tells them. Why? Who knows? It's fate that creates anomalies in the fabric as binary code that is then translated into names (of course this was discovered hundreds of years back when binary was really big). So the most interesting part is taken away, but that’s alright they changed it up a bit, whatever it could still work. No. No it can't. James McAvoy’s character (I forget his name) is a pussy, but when he is confronted by five trained killers with guns and is shown his power and offered a way out of the life he hates he decides to turn his gun on the them threatening them and escaping, but when he sees his father’s inheritance in his bank account (something the killers told him about) he suddenly becomes a man and tells off his boss and lays the smack down on his friend before going back to the league. Does this character change seem a bit odd? I guy who’s pissing his pants while riding in his car and can’t talk back to his boss suddenly decides to turn a gun on a room of assassins who know he is a pants-pissing pussy? And the moment he realizes he might prefer this new destined life his father had as opposed to being shit upon by his work and cheated on by his girlfriend is seeing the extra three million is father left him? I mean at that point it’s his anyway, so why change now? It’s just stupid (but not as stupid as curving bullets). But from there his training is pretty cool (except with curving bullets) sort of like La Femme Nikita, but not as cool. But soon there is some retarded plot twist and things sort of go bad as he hunts for his father’s killer (That’s not true! That’s impossible! [did you get the hint?]).

Now where I was looking for this film to be in any way good was in the action. But alas that even disappoints. It ranges from cool to mediocre to making no sense at all (but not as little sense as curving bullets). In fact the only truly awesome part was when Angelina Jolie spins a car around with the passenger’s door ajar and tucks McAvoy inside. And I’ll admit that was sweet, but that’s about it. And speaking about Jolie there is a part where she is on the hood of the car in a dress with her legs on either side of McAvoy’s head and we are not even serviced with a crotch shot. What is that about? And it’s not like it’s a gratuitous crotch shot, it would actually be applicable to story and scene.

So a lack luster comic with an awesome premise is hacked of its premise and transformed into a bad movie. Take a pass.

Rating: 4/10

Review: Get Smart

I never saw the TV show, but I definitely want to now. Especially now knowing it was the spawn of Mel Brooks and some other dude. But that has no bearing on the movie which is a clever spy movie with laughs. It never reaches hilarious comic levels and seems to lack satire that I’ve heard the original show had, but it’s still pretty good.

Maxwell Smart (Steve Carrell) is a analyst for a spy organization who desperately wants to be a field agent and when the evil equivalent of his agency compromises all other field agents he gets promoted and is partnered with Agent 99 (Anne Hathaway) who just had cosmetic surgery and is therefore not compromised either. So they must stop the evil organization of its nefarious plot of terror and extortion all while having sexual tension.

This may be odd, but I felt Get Smart worked better as a clever spy flick than it did as a comedy. Not to say it failed in the comedy area, because it was indeed funny (though some of Steve Carrell’s “Yes. Yes. No.” sense of irony is a tad trying sometimes). It just seemed to be about the spying first and humor second. Maybe this how the show did it or whatever. And I’m not saying this is a bad thing because it still makes a good movie, but I was expecting it to be more satirical. In fact only the war room scene achieved this and it was certainly the funniest part of the flick.

But a humorous and clever spy flick aside, it still had its flaws mostly in writing. I may be nitpicking on a simple movie but Agent 99 not wanting to start a relationship because she’d been hurt before is a little easy, though the cosmetic surgery angle added an interesting subtext. Also jokes that Smart was once fat were sprinkled throughout, which were tiresome, because they weren’t funny. And there was a completely unnecessary double cross. But like I said I’m probably just nitpicking a simple film.

Some sort of conclusion where I say I wouldn’t mind recommending this movie.

Rating: 6.5/10

Review: Kung Fu Panda

This was a good flick. It’s cute. It’s funny. Great animation (not Pixar great, but the best I’ve seen from Dreamworks). And despite its typical underappreciated-loser-craving-for-greatness-is-thrust-unto-an-arduous-path-to-fulfill-his-destiny story, the fanboy aspect of it is a novel twist to it that at I least I haven’t seen yet. Still, even the quality of the flick doesn’t make up for the marketing for it. I was hating this movie three months ago when Jack Black was telling me to turn off my cell phone before the movie started. But don’t let the ad nauseum advertizing stop you from seeing the film (unless you are boycotting it to send some sort of message to the marketers then more to you, they must be feeling your rebellious sting by now).

So we meet our portly panda protagonist Po (Jack Black) who dreams about being an awesome warrior as opposed to working in his father’s noodle shop. He owns the action figures to the Furious Five, China’s greatest warriors, and has nerdom knowledge of their exploits and the legends of all of the past Kung Fu greats. Well, some evil leopard is prophesized about escaping his imprisonment and the Dragon Warrior must be chosen in order to defeat him. Naturally it is assumed that one of the Furious Five, Monkey, Viper, Mantis, Crane, or Tigress (all based on actual Kung Fu techniques), will be chosen, but Po is chosen much to the chagrin of the Five and Master Shi Fu (Dustin Hoffman) in charge of training him. So the training and hostility begins and a fat panda must overcome the odds and defeat the most feared martial artist in the land.

By now you know the CGI kids film by now and Kung Fu Panda does not deviate from the good time and humour you probably expect. It lacks the inside adult jokes that the Shrek series had, but that doesn’t mean it’s not funny. In fact Jack Black is funnier than he’s been in a long time. Again the story’s trite, but it’s a kid’s film so there not exactly going to try to reinvent the wheel here, even if Pixar and Miyazaki are. Anyway the main moral that the push is: fat people can do stuff, which of course is complete bullshit. But they try to fill little kids heads with dreams of glory and accomplishment so they learn the hard way how pathetic they are. Still, it’s a good movie. Dustin Hoffman does awesome voice-over work as Shi Fu. I mean truly great. I mean I never thought I’d dick ride celebrity voice-over work, but here I am. Black, James Hong (Po’s father), Seth Rogen (Mantis), and David Cross (Crane) also get props for their work. But that being said there wasn’t a whole lot to the other celebrity players, especially Jackie Chan. I mean on paper Jackie Chan as a kung fu monkey is an awesome idea, but when he only gets three lines it defeats the purpose, and it’s not like he’s doing the fighting either. So there’s that.

So good flick and entertaining. Admittedly I am backhanding this movie a little by saying it’s no Pixar, but it does fall short of the caliber film that studio has been making for over a decade, so I’m just being honest.

Rating: 6.5/10

Review: The Incredible Hulk

First off, I’ve never been really interested in the Hulk, even if he is so incredible. I get it. Jekyll/Hyde story but this time Hyde’s not evil, but instead just primal and huge and green. That being said, I was never really anticipating the Hulk on the screen. Also I never saw Ang Lee’s attempt at the green monster so I can’t compare the versions. But all that aside, The Incredible Hulk is not a bad flick. Unfortunately it’s also not a good flick. It does a fine job of straddling mediocrity (like your mom straddling the mailman). The movie never really engages you completely, but then again does not send you away fully disappointed (also like your mom).

So after a brief pretty montage of what created the Hulk and why he’s on the run (science go bad/alter state/man becomes danger) we find Dr. Robert Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) hiding from the US government, trying to control the beast within, and finding a cure to his malady with the help of an online buddy (not the creepy kind). With online buddy’s help he’s close to a cure, but needs to go back home to access the files of the project to perfect a possible antidote, evade the ever tightening noose of the government lead by his girlfriend’s general father and Mr. Orange, and copulate with Steven Tyler’s daughter, all while keeping the Hulk inside him at bay and doing it in under two hours (three hours for the Extended “You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry” Director’s Cut). So the dude’s got a lot on his plate.

Really were the film almost fails is with the performances. Norton really fails to wow with anything he does. I mean you’d think a guy on the run who’s about to blow up at a moment’s notice would show more confliction. Liv Tyler has never been what I would consider “good”. She has just never seems to be able to emote and her portrayal as Dr. Elizabeth Ross is a shining example of that. And William Hurt’s General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross fades into the scenery being only outlined by the fact that he’s a huge dick, but even then you barely notice him. The only leads who give compelling performances are Tim Roth as Emil Blonsky/The Abomination and Tim Blake Nelson as Banner’s online buddy Samuel Sterns/The Leader. And the odd thing is while all the previous characters have intriguing character issues and ambiguity with torn loyalties and inner turmoil and whatnot, these guys are very stock. We have Emil Blonsky, the fading warrior who wants to recapture power, and Samuel Sterns, the offbeat scientist who wants to test the limits of ourselves. Nothing is new about these caricatures. We’ve seen them before. And yet both Roth and Nelson do such a good job selling them they seem fresh and daring. Of course there are other issues like the lazy creations of The Abomination and The Leader and the less than spectacular fight between the two large green monsters. I mean you’ve got two angry powerhouses, they hit big and destroy public property, but that’s about it. Their previous fight between the Hulk and Emil Blonsky injected with super-soldier serum. It pitted a huge hulking (hehe) beast against super agile hunter. It was awesome. So they can do the action right, just not all the time.

So that’s the movie. I don’t recommend it, but I also don’t advise you against it. It’s a fairly perfect blasé film that’s sort of worth your time. But even with that, the idea of an Avenger film with this incarnation of the Hulk is actually exciting and the last shot of the film really shows that the future of this franchise could be great.

Rating: 5/10

Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

But first an anecdote: I saw the new Indy flick like the true fans did at a midnight showing. I was with My dorm and various other college associates. Suddenly, we grab one of our friends, throw him down the stairs (there were only like two), fake berate him with punches, and then hoist him over our shoulders and throw him down the hallway exit. Then one of my dorm mates, er... or rather I (oh hell he's not going to read this and challenge what really happened) then I turned to the stunned patrons and said, "No ticket." This of course, given the audience, was met by laughter and great applause as the players took a bow. Definitely one of my crowning achievements in geekdom.

Anyhoo, the movie blows donkey dicks. Ok, you can stop being petrified that was a dirty lie. Crystal Skull is unequivocally a true Indy flick. It should not disappoint. It's got the action, the mysticism, the character relations, the humour; everything we know and love and expect from Indiana Jones is there and great. In this humble bloggers opinion this outing was not a black-eye to the franchise, but rather a sturdy new pillar for which it to stay up upon decades more to come (so I mixed metaphors, fuck you, your missing the point, the movie's awesome). Admittedly there are one or two moments where you just want to ask, "Really?" (okay, fine there are three), but these grandiose elements of implausible heroism or whatever aren't too far fetched from typical Indy fair, and they certainly do not detract from the rest of the experience. Also one of the main characters seemed a bit hokey. But hey, no character is even continents close to the cringe worthy existence of Kate Capshaw from Temple of Doom.

As you can see this review is a short one, because what else is there to say? Great LaBeouf/Ford interaction? Great suspense? Great action? Intriguing and new plot? Spielberg has once again shown he is the king of the blockbuster? It's not necessary. Just know that the flick is awesome. A fine addition for Indy to hang his trade mark hat on.

Rating: 8/10

Dueling Iron Man Reviews

Has he lost his mind? Can he see or is he blind? Can he walk at all, or if he moves will he fall? Is he alive or dead? Has he thoughts within his head? We' ll just pass him there. Why should we even care? These are just some of the issues brought up in the new Iron Man movie. Or at least they would be if Jon Favreau had listened to my idea of just turning the theatrical comic book adaptation into a two-hour long Black Sabbath joke to explode the minds of the fanboys in anger (me and Favreau... like this by the way [for those of you not upgraded to my mental blog, I crossed my middle and index fingers]). And while my idea would certainly be the greatest thing ever, the actual movie is not very far from that (for those searching through that mess of hyperbole and skewed unlisted dimensions, I basically said the movie was really great).



Yes, the movie is really great. Robert Downey Jr. is incredibly charming and witty and good-actingly in the role. I don't know if he's just really come into his own or he wasn't used right before or I just wasn't paying attention, but every flick I've seen this dude in in the past five years as been awesome, and he usually was the best thing in it. Iron Man is no exception from Tony Stark's smarmy lines that are so clever and quick that if Downey didn't do such a superb job selling it you wouldn't believe it possible (from anyone other than me of course) to even his sparse ethical dilemma emotional side, all are well done and none feel like they break from the character. And yes while this is Downey's show he does have a cast of supporting players. Gwyneth Paltrow's here as the alliteratively named love interest, but better than that. I was pleased to see that she didn't just merely slip in that archetype (Hollywood's name for stereotype). Her character, Pepper Potts, and Tony Stark clearly have and interest in each other, but with Stark's ego and the fact that she's his assistant and does practically everything for him not machine building related (even dismissing his one night stands) you can see that this relationship isn't about to take off soon and even when it does (like in the sequels we should be seeing) it won't be perfect. There's actually depth to this relationship you don't see in typical action blockbuster. Terrence Howard's military straight man performance to Downey's cool ass playboy can be overlooked, but some of the best stuff we see from Stark, both in funny lines and character emotion, come in the presence of Howard's character. He does something you don't usually see from the supporting cast of a superhero flick: they bring certain things out of the main character you wouldn't have seen otherwise without him, truly flushing out Stark as multi-dimensional. And finally we're brought to Jeffrey Lebowski err... Bridges as Stark's partner cum bad guy Obidiah Stane, which is pretty much my only complaint about the flick. Not that Bridges lacked in his performance. No, he does a great job as the snake-charming megalomaniac. My only beef (which I guess is kinda three) is that we're presented with a fairly B-list Iron Man villain, another business man evil doer that are all so popular especially in the last decade of superhero flicks (see: Norman Osborne, Harry Osborne, Lex Luther, Wilson Fisk, Max Shrek, yadda, yadda, yadda), and the fact that the superhero and the supervillain have the same power. Yeah, I know it says something about the duality of man, extremes of the world, or whatever, but I kind felt something missing when two people with the same power fight (one thing about the new Hulk movie I'm not exactly jonesing for).

So, the movies good. Downey's good. Second characters don't fall into cliche traps. And it's damn funny and entertaining. I'd say the second best superhero film that'll come out this year (don't dissapoint me Dark Kinght). Also as you can tell Stads beat me to this, but screw him, I'm doing it anyway. I'll teach him who does the movie reviews around here!

Rating: 8/10

Review: Iron Man

-Editor's Note, I initially wrote this review, unaware that Shandeaux had also begun work on one, as he is more a film expert than I, I would recommend his before mine...but this was written, so go ahead and read it. Don't judge me, the Bible says not to-

I was recently given the opportunity to attend a pre-release of Iron Man, so I'm pleased to say that for once I can provide you with a review that is available to you the weekend the game/movie is released. 

Now I know what most everyone is thinking I've seen so many Superhero movies and walked away disgusted, is it really worth dragging my lazy self to see it when I have GTA IV at home? Short answer: yes, yes it is. Don't misinterpret my words and assume I am not a fan of ol' Liberty City. I just don't think it should monopolize your entertainment time this weekend. The Superhero genre, has rapidly become just that, a genre. It used to just fit snugly into action, back in the days of Christopher Reeve. Like any genre, there are the bad ones: Catwoman, Elektra, there are the good ones: Spiderman, X Men, and of course they are the excellent ones: Batman Begins. Iron Man fits snugly into the middle, but has a slight edge above the average superhero movie.

That edge is better known as Mr. Roberty Downey Jr. Now, I was a comic book reader, but never really touched Iron Man, but from what I've been told, Stark is portrayed  very accurately. Tony Stark seems to be the character Downey was made to play. I wouldn't even say it's great acting really, it's just who he is.  Tony Stark is that billionaire, bachelor, inventor, that we all like to pretend we are at parties. He's that combination of genius and suave, that sadly does not really exist in a human, and can only be shown in movies. I was really afraid that the previews would be the achilles heel for this movie, as they often are for anything with comedy. Once you've seen the three funny parts and laughed, there is nothing left to the movie. Well that's not really the case. A lot of Downey's cleverly written dialogue is shown in the previews, but so much that it ruins my opinion of the movie. These clever little additions are what makes this movie a cut above the rest. 

Supporting roles are decent, but vastly overshadowed by Downey. I have never understand any level of fascination in Gywneth Paltrow, I just have never really found her very attractive. But looks are not actually necessary for acting(in fact, its my personal theory, that the hotter the actress, the less the acting ability.) Paltrow compliments Downey well as his assistant Pepper Potts, doesn't sound comic-booky at all does it? Jeff "the dude" Bridges( puts in a fine performance as the sneaky villain Obadiah Stone(again, comics were made in the 80s), as strange as it is to see him out of a bath robe and slippers.  This is the first I've seen of Terence Howard who plays Stark's Army liaison, and I'm guessing his sidekick in some sequel. 

Marvel is shooting out these superhero movies like a pregnant irish woman, and they tend to be hit or miss. Some stories are just not meant to be on the big screen, and I really though Iron Man was one that would fail. But it is saved in form of Tony Stark. A last word to the wise, don't go expecting non-stop action, this is an origin movie, so it spends most of it's time setting up to that first real test of his abilities, which of course is the end of the movie. This shouldn't be seen as a bad thing, but you should also be prepared.

Rating: 8/10

Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core - PSP

It has now been about three weeks since the initial release of Crisis Core so I think it's reasonable to assume all Final Fantasy VII addicts such as myself have already purchased the game. Therefore there's not really any point to appeal to those type of people at all, because they of the same mold who ran out and purchased Advent Children the second it came out on DVD, or if you're like me you found a bootleg copy of it in Japanese and watched it in subtitles(to this day, I have yet to see the American version). But with all those disappointments aside I really want anyone who enjoys a good handheld game to check this out.

 

For just a quick plot synopsis, the story-line follows SOLDIER member Zack Fair as he attempts to become SOLDIER 1st class and climb the corporate rank in Shinra Electric Company. (As a quick side note, why is SOLDIER capitalized? Is it an acronym for something? I would love for someone to enlighten me) The plot is amazing and seems to me to truly follow Final Fantasy VII guideline. Dirge of Cerberus may have had all the same characters, but it was just way too dark. Advent Children as well, really just had too much action packed in and no story at all. Contrasting both of Square's attempts to draw in the Final Fantasy VII crowd, Crisis Core actually has a good story.  It's amazing for me to think that there was reason for me to buy this game, aside from really wanting to find out what happens to Zack. Throughout the game you watch Zack's life undergo a transformation that's as real as any crappy literature book I've had to analyze for an English class in High School. There is a small disadvantage to the story, in that, I really don't think you will enjoy it ask much if you are not a die-hard Final Fantasy VII fan. If you don't like Final Fantasy games, then this isn't the thing for you. Lifestream and Materia and all that jazz will just confuse the hell out of you. The soundtrack was incredible, and if it wasn't for the fact that it's 60 bucks on Amazon, I would definitely try to buy it. The story was so different in that, being a prequel, you knew exactly where it was going to end because you had already been there. So you don't play the game to get to the end, but to find out how you get to the end. To me, it was like playing a Quentin Tarantino movie.

 

I would almost go as far as to say that the gameplay falls under straight action, instead of an RPG. The battle system is essentially an improved version of Kingdom Hearts. The battle sequence is essentially initiated by running into an enemy instead of random twirling. Every time it happens in Crisis Core you hear this annoying voice say "Activating Combat Mode" which can get old fast, but it's still an improvement from the screen twirling in a circle like in the old days. Once the battle mode is engaged you are free to move around and fight which ever enemy you want to. The part I enjoyed most was the any slash to back of a foe counts as a critical hit. So you spend a lot of time trying to work around to the back to cause more damage. There's also a dodge button that can help you avoid even the most powerful attacks, which is amazing because it makes it so even a low leveled Zack can take out enemies way above him if you've mastered the battle system. But if physical combat isn't really your thing and you miss the customization days of old, no worries. Crisis Core upgrades the Materia with a Materia Fusion system, which enables you to create more Materia by combining items and old Materia. Eventually you can create a lighting spell that not only causes tons of damage but adds 50% to your health.  Of course, you can also get very random results.

 

The strangest addition to the combat system, and what almost ruins it, is called the DMW, or Digital Mind Wave. Basically it looks like a three combination slot machine that is constantly rolling in the upper left corner of your screen. This basically handles any other Final Fantasy battle essential you can think of. It will level you up when hitting a certain combo, it also activated limit breaks and summons. I really did not like that the summons were random and could not be controlled. I learned to enjoy the DMW especially when it can randomly make you have no mp cost and such, but on the whole, especially starting out, it can be very annoying.

On to the problems, yes there are a few, as with any game. The main issue with this game, is that it's on the damn psp. I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who would argue to your death that the psp is the greatest portable system since the dawn of time, but I am not a fan. I have many reasons, but the main one is that the whole system just seems so fragile. Honestly, I just feel like it can break from just me playing it, and why the hell do I have to buy a memory card that only Sony makes? Aside from the system, the game is really pretty short. This is a horrible thing to complain about in a handheld I know, but I just finished it wanting more, so of course I'm playing it again in an attempt to beat virtually everything. The side quests of the missions can become incredibly repetitive to the point where only people who are really committed to beating the entire game will beat them, and this is coming from somebody who beat both Weapons in the original, a feat which took me over 80 hours. I think the game would be better if they had added in more side quests of sorts other than the missions. Like a submarine game or snowboarding perhaps? 

In the end, I actually think hardcore Final Fantasy VII fans may be upset with this game. You are not going to enjoy the gameplay at all if you purchase the game expecting Final Fantasy VII. But if you purchase the game, expecting something new and original with that game's story, then you will no doubt enjoy this game. And again, I see no reason, why someone who just owns a psp(for whatever strange reason) and has never even played a final fantasy, would not enjoy this game, the plot would just seem very.... Japanese.

Rating 9/10