Super Smash Bros. Brawl

Well, it's almost two weeks before Brawl is released in the States and the fact that it has been out this long in Japan probably means you know the final roster of combatants. And while I could spend my time dissecting this (I mean Gannondorf is still a clone of Capt. Falcon? All three StarFox characters have the same Final Smash? R.O.B.?) I've decided to better waste my time giving you the insight into who I wish had made the cut. Now those of you who wish to keep the secret characters truly secret until the end might not want to read on because then you'll know who didn't make it or I might reference a character already in (though I suppose I've already revealed that Gannondorf, Capt. Falcon, R.O.B., and three StarFox characters are in it before warning you... whoops!). So without further ado here are, in no particular order, the Top Ten Characters I Wish Were in Smash.

Miles "Tails" Prower

Honestly I thought this was kind of a given. I mean Sonic is in it, and the blue hedghog has a pantheon of supporting characters just as iconic as Mario's sycophants. So it makes sense to add some characters from Mobius and who better Sonic's sidekick Tails. I mean I would've been fine with Knuckles too, but Tails is clearly the second best choice from the Sonic universe.

Preposed Moveset
Up B: Tail Spin (He spins his tails, he flies up, he hurts people)
B: Some Sort of Mechanical Gun-Thingy (some sort of mechanical gun-thingy)
Over B: Spin Dash (like Sonic's, but slower)
Down B: Spin Charge (like Sonic's, but slower)
Final Smash: Either Super Tails (he's invulnerable and has Super Flickies that attack people) or he gets to use his Tornado walker.

Banjo-Kazooie

I'll admit Banjo-Kazooie was one of my favorite games for the N64, and while some might say it was the worst of the "collecting" platformers, I think it took what was great about Mario 64 and expanded upon that (or ripped it off, whatever it was a great game). They were a popular pair and could've made it into Melee. Of course now that Rare is owned by Microsoft their inclusion was hardly expected, despite the fact that even after the buy Rare still made a B-K game for the GBA and has yet to make one for and X-Box.

Preposed Moveset

Up B: Beak Bomb (Banjo-Kazooie zoom through the air)
B: Egg (Kazooie shoots an egg, maybe like 75% chance of regular, 10% for ice or fire, 5% for grenade)
Over B: Beak Barge (Kazooie's beak rams somebody, slow and powerful)

Down B: Wonderwing (purely defensive, the pair becomes invulnerable for a short time, save from throws)

Final Smash: Mumbo Jumbo comes and turns them into something or does some other shaman magicking.

Mega Man

C'mom it's fucking Mega Man. Yeah, he's been off our radars for some years, but ten years ago he was the (mega) man. He helpes define video games and his ever expanding adapaptable moveset is perfect for Smash. He'd be like Kirby and Samus combined.

Preposed Moveset

Up B: Mega Upper (a series of uppercuts that launch Mega Man higher)
B: Plasma Gun (he shoots his plasma gun)
Over B: Weopan Copy (Mega Man copies an opponets Over B move)
Down B: Mega Ball (a ball that rebounds around until it hits someone, the longer it's out the weaker the attack when it hits)
Final Smash: Hyper Mega Man Adapter (he grows taller, gets wings and jet pack, and has rockets all over him)

Roy

Ok, so Roy did not make the cut into Brawl. And this is really a let down, as Roy was my number 2 go to character. Though I don't know how Ike will compare having not played the game (he is supposed to be heavy/power character so he may just be Roy with another name), I'm guessing I'll miss the Roy.

Preposed Moveset
All his old moves.
Final Smash: Roy rapidly moves on the platform he's one and strikes a deadly blow to whoever may be foolish enough to be there.

Viewtiful Joe

The Viewtiful Joe series have been great innovative games, and Joe has already done a Super Smash rip-off so he's no stranger to this sort of set up. Though he's no longer wowing the video game realm, I'm thinking his moveset would be a very cool addition. I wonder if his VFX meter should be accoutned for though in someway, like he'll turn into regular Joe if he uses too many special moves.

Preposed Moveset
Up B: Corkscrew Jump (You know, a corkscrew jump)
B: Zoom In (Paralyzies foes within a certain proximety)
Over B: Slow (Joe does powerful, super slow punch [maybe kick], but will automatically dodge any attack that is attempted on him)
Down B: Corkscrew Slam (like the jump, but impact on the ground sends shockwaves)
Final Smash: Mach Speed (Joe goes super fast and punches every thing on the screen ending on fire)

Geno

Hells yes, Geno. He maybe a wooden doll inhabited by aliens (or something like that), but he can kick some ass. Besides it's not like I'm about to add Mallow or anything.

Preposed Moveset

Up B: Geno Boost (like the game, but with third jumping abilities)

B: Missile Punch (like the game)

Over B: Geno Beam (like the game)

Down B: Geno Blast (like the game)

Final Smash: Geno Whirl (like the game)

Rival Pokemon Trainer

Pokemon Trainer was a cool idea, so why not do it again with another set of pokemon? Kind of like in the story where you have a rival this is like that. Now we could just do another set of starter pokemon from another generation, but that would be a little like the regular Pokemon Trainer, besides I'm partial to the original 150, so here is just some iconic pokemon you're used to from the original. We already got Water, Fire, Grass, Electric, Psychic (I think), and whatever the fuck Jigglypuff is, so let's get some new types.



Geodude
Up B: Tackle (Geodude shoots up and shoulder slams you)
B: Earthquake (Short range earth shaker)
Over B: Rock Throw (you throw a rock)
Down B: Switch

Dragonair

Up B: Dragon Rage (Spinny tornado thingy)
B: Hyper Beam (Charge shot that can't be saved, will be released when at full power)
Over B: Agility (Lunges out quickly)
Down B: Switch

Gengar
Up B: Dream Eater (Gengar launches upward and passes through people doing damage)
B: Lick (Gengar licks you, and you are stunned a bit)
Over B: Nightshade (A very wide beam is shot out, but doesn't go far)
Down B: Switch

Final Smash: They all come out and lay some smack down.

Ridley

Samus is now the only one of the original eight to not have friend from their series. So let's change that. And Ridley is really the only choice. Generic metroid wouldn't do it, generic Space Pirate wouldn't do it, and I'm not about to include any character from Hunters. Naturally we'll tone down his size and stuff.

Preposed Moveset
Up B: Extra Fly (He flies more and it hurts you some how)
B: Plasma Breath (Ridley's plasma breath)
Over B: Fireballs (Ridely's great balls of fire)
Down B: Tail Swipe (that'll fuck you up)
Final Smash: He could turn into Omerga or Meta Ridley or just grow humongous and wreaks havoc.

Rash

I don't know if I'm the only one who remembers Battletoads, but I loved that game. It was so freaking hard and awesome. I extend my love by including one of them into Smash.

Peposed Moveset
Up B: Mega Slam (thrid jump that at it's height, Rash slams his fists downward)
B: Giant Fist (large powerful fist[ing hehehe])
Over B: Ram Headbut (the ram horned headbut from the game)
Down B: Boot Punt (the huge ass boot from the game)
Final Smash: It's be cool if those impossible to avoid race things would move across the screen and eveyone but you had to dodge it.

Koopalings

Fuck Bowser Jr., okay? Honestly I've got nothing really against him, only that since he appeared, we've heard nothing about Bowser's seven other kids, the originals (though breaking news is informing me they were in Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga, but I don't count that, because I'm writing this paragraph). I'm talking Larry, Morton Jr., Wendy O', Iggy, the weird one on the ball, Roy, and Ludwig Von. What happened? Were they all shipped off to boarding school or something? Really I don't know how this would work, maybe they all have the same moveset and speed and changing the "color" changes it to a different one, or maybe you only have one, or you can switch out like Pokemon trainer, what do I care? Let's just represent some other Koopa Kid love for once.

Preposed Moveset
Up B: Koopa Whirl (they go in shell and spin upward, much more so than Bowser's but harder to aim)
B: Wand Beam (they use their wand thingy from Super Mario Bros. 3)
Over B: Special Unique Move (that each particular kid has; look I just don't want to think anymore ok?)
Down B: Koopa Slam (they slam down butt first, like you do)
Final Smash: All seven appear with a weopan (a chainsaw, katana, brass knuckles, chains, dual weilding Uzis, battle axe, and sawed-off shotgun) and just start killing and decapitating eveyone, until those smug Mario Brothers, who think it's cool to beat up children, have their heads on pikes and are surrounded by a flowing river of blow that curses all who touch it.

My Take On the Oscars

Ok, basically this will be just like my Golden Globe Predictions, but more important because they're the Oscars.


BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR

Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood


Ok, despite No Country being shot down at the Globes that doesn't change my view that it was the best movie this year. It does however increase my fear that it and There Will Be Blood (the only other film I think deserves the award) will split the votes and third less deserving flick will take the prize.



BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones, The Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises

Again this a race betwixt Clooney, Day-Lewis, and Depp. Now I favored Day-Lewis over Clooney at the Globes and that opinion still holds and I will also back Day-Lewis over Depp as well. Danny Boy was just too damn good. I will seriously be surprised if he doesn't walk away with this one.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Cate Blanchette, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie, Away From Her
Marion Cotillard, La Mome
Laura Linney, The Savages
Ellen Page, Juno

Now at the Globes Marion Cotillard snagged Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy that I thought for sure was for Ellen Page. Now I based this on not seeing or even hearing of Marion's performance, so I didn't think twice about it. But I don't think this will be an issue her, as I'm pretty sure Julie Christie as got this one.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson's War
Hal Holbrook, Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton

Pretty much the GG best Best Supporting in a Drama again. I went with Javier then (who won), I'm sticking with him now.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There
Ruby Dee, American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan, Atonement
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

Some new blood as opposed to Golden Globes, but like then I still say it's a battle between Cate Blanchett and Amy Ryan. Now I still say Ryan's was the better performance, but that is nothing against Cate's. But I was wrong with backing Ryan for the Golden Globes, so I'll probably wrong again here.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood
Joel Coen, Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton
Jason Reitman, Juno
Julian Schnabel, The Butterfly and the Diving Bell

Another award the Coens's deserved at the Globes that they didn't get. Foreign guy directing foreign movie got it, again another one that I just didn't factor in last round, and like Best Picture I'm more worried that the Coen Brothers will be denied.

BEST WRITING, SCREENPLAY WRITTEN DIRECTLY FOR THE SCREEN
Diablo Cody, Juno
Nancy Oliver, Lars and the Real Girl
Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton
Brad Bird, Jan Pinkavo, Jim Capobianco, Ratatouille
Tamara Jenkins, The Savages

I had Juno for screenplay at the Globes, were it was beaten by No Country. A deserving beat, but I figured with all the Juno love it was a shoe-in (is that how it's spelled? literally?). Well, Juno buzz has waned since then and many are even in hatred. Whatever, it's still a great script. I am glad that Ratatouille and Lars (my fav on the list) are up there, truly great scripts as well. And if Juno continues to be shunned I think Lars's also quirkier script could snatch, but probably not.

BEST WRITING, SCREENPLAY BASED ON MATERIAL PREVIOUSLY PRODUCED OR PUBLISHED

Christopher Hampton, Atonement
Sarah Polley, Away From Her
Ronald Harwood, The Butterfly and the Diving Bell
Joel Coen, Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood

Ok, I won;t hide the fact that I have a huge boner for the Coen Brothers. And in fact if they made a not so stellar flick that managed to get nominated for anything, I'd probably be rooting for them to win because their entire body of work is just so fucking superb, but that being said No Country is the best they've done, and they are the greatest screenwriters to come out in the last twenty years (possible exception to Quienten Tarantino, but he's gonna have to step it up).

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY
Roger Deakins, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Seamus McGarvey, Atonement
Roger Deakins, No Country For Old Men
Jamusz Kaminiski, The Butterfly and the Diving Bell
Robert Elswit, There Will Be Blood

I'm going with Roger Deakins for this one. And not just because he's up there twice and thus has the best odds. It also has to do with the fact Deakins deserves this award for his stellar work in the past and his contributions this year excel past those (well, most of them anyway). I pick Jesse James over No Country because it was the more visual beautiful film, which is kind of what cinematography is (I think; should probably double check that one of these days).

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN SPECIAL EFFECTS

Michael L. Fink, Bill Westenhofer, Ben Morris, Trevor Wood, Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End
John Knoll, Hal T. Hickel, Charlie Gibson, John Frazier, The Golden Compass
Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Russell Earl, John Frazier, Transformers

Let me just say this right now: I hated Transformers. Hated it. The movie was boring and nonsensical with no redeeming value. My friends will cite Megan Fox as a redeeming value, but I don't need to spend eight bucks and waste two hours to look at her being hot. Of course I realized too late it was going to a rough ride when it's opening line was: "Before time itself, there was the cube." And yet whenever I ranted at the atrocity of film making this was, I always cited that sure looked damn pretty. The one thing this movie did good (and pretty much the only thing Michael Bay can do good) was its special effects. Despite how utterly crappy this movie was, it deserves this award.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM OF THE YEAR
Vinceny Parannoud, Marjane Satrapi, Persopolis
Ash Brannon, Chris Buck, Surf's Up
Brad Bird, Ratatouille

It's possible that Persopolis will get this, but I have not seen this cannot vouch for it. I do know Ratatouille was pretty fucking brilliant both as story and especially animation. I think this will be the second Oscar for Brad Bird. Wait, did he win an Oscar for The Incredibles? Was The Incredibles nominated for an Oscar? Hold on, let me check. Wikipedia tells me yes to both of these.

I don't think I can give a very good account for the rest of the categories so I won't bother. Anyway those are my picks for the upcoming Oscars.

How We'd F*ck Up Casablanca

Today my fellow traveler in the world of blogging and I unveil the first installment in a series entitled: How We'd F*ck Up A Classic. Essentially what we're going to do is take a classic flick that pretty much reaches the heights of iconic perfection and decide what we'd do for the remake if it were today. Mostly this will entail what actor choices we'd make, but there may be some other subtle differences we'd make. Now hopefully with the dear god of cinema's help these remakes will never happen, but that doesn't mean we can't have fun speculating. So with out further ado, here's how we'd f*ck up



Ugarte
Played By: Peter Lorre


Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Steve Buscemi

I had always thought of Steve Buscemi as this era's Peter Lorre, odd looking, able to play weasels, sychophants, and creepy guys, but still be funny. Now Buscemi is older than Lorre was when playing in the original, and I'm not sure if he can sound like he's from a European or North African country, but in my eyes there is no one else to replace Peter Lorre.

Stads: Steve Buscemi

A lot of these roles were difficult to determine, but to me Peter Lorre has always reminded me of a Steve Buscemi so Ugarte was easy. I would also go as far as to say Buscemi would improve the role. Buscemi firing a pistol into a group of attacking soldiers just makes more sense to me.

Signor Ferrari

Played By: Sydney Greenstreet

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: John Rhys-Davies

Now this is basically solely based on John Rhys-Davies's portrayal as Sallah in the two great Indiana Jones flicks. Essentially a big guy who sounds foreign. That's good enough to replace Sydney Greenstreet.

Stads: John Rhys-Davies

Greenstreet actually isn't nearly as Indian as Casablanca makes him look, I mean they just add a hat. My thought on Davies is of course from Sallah in Indiana Jones, but that's not to take away from Gimli in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. He just happens to be my favorite fat North African looking fellow. Which you know... are a little hard to find.

Major Strasser

Played By: Conrad Veidt

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Ralph Fiennes

I was a tad apprehensive to give Fiennes another Nazi role, but come on he was just so damn good the first time around. And I think Fiennes gives something to the character that's much more intimidating then there was the first time around. I thought about Peter Stormare for the role (the go to European guy in any flick see: German, The Big Lebowski, Russian, Armageddon, French, The Brothers Grimm, Swedish, Fargo, the Devil, Constantine), but he is perhaps a bit too creepy for the role.

Stads: Robert De Niro

I really wish De Niro didn't have such the history of great acting that he has. I truly do believe that he could do a great job in this role, but too many people would watch him and see that bad ass from Heat, Goodfellas, or of course young Vito Corleone (if anyone sees him and thinks of Meet the Parents, you know nothing of this man). If you can see past this, I think you can see that De Niro would make a wonderful Nazi.

Sam

Played By: Dooley Wilson

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Jaimie Foxx

Sam is certainly a notch above token black guy, but I think as Rick's only true friend he should have a more forceful character in the film other than the guy who plays "As Time Goes By". That being said I'm thinking Jaimie Foxx, great actor and we know he can play the piano and sing. Plus he's the right skin color.

Stads: Morgan Freeman

Sam is really not as in depth of a character as I think he could, or rather should, have been. He needs to be an older guy who is always looking at for his friend Rick. Morgan Freeman just seems like the type who is full of advice as well as just a nice guy to have around. Really can't see him singing all that well, but let's be honest, Sam didn't have the best voice either(not that I don't love As Time Goes By)

Victor Lazslo

Played By: Paul Henreid

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Jude Law

I don't know. Jude Law just seems like he can play a selfless heroic champion who you still don't want to get the girl.

Stads: Aaron Eckhart

Eckhart has little under his belt aside from Thank You For Smoking, but that was an impressive role. So I have great hope for this man(soon to play Harvey Dent in the new batman film), and I think he would fit Lazlo great. He's a strong, independent looking guy, but you still want to root for the other guy.

Captain Renault

Played By: Claude Rains


Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Ricky Gervais

Captain Renault is cleary a comedic role, so a comedian makes sense for him. But while still keeping the comedy there I do want to highlight his dark side of using his power for sexual favors. And I am banking on Ricky Gervais being able to comedy that isn't just self depracating.

Stads: Robin Williams

Williams is a funny guy, which is an important aspect. He's also a great actor when given the chance, just think of Good Morning Vietnam, as well as to a lesser extent Man of the Year. Also, he always struck me as the type that would use his power to sleep with women.

Illsa Lun

Played By: Ingrid Bergman

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shandeaux: Eva Green

Essentially because she's French and hot. And the only other French actress I know is whats-her-face (I realize I could just look it up and sound impressive, but I'm too lazy) from Amelie, and though I have a huge crush on her based on the that movie she's not exactly right for the part. I probably have some better reasons, but non come to mind.

Stads: Rachel McAdams

Illsa is all in the eyes. The role is really all in the expression she gets when looking at Rick. Bergman's big pouting eye's could make even the toughest guy cry. Well I think McAdams mirrors this look. I admit I also find her attractive, and that plays a role in my choice, but it damn well should.

Rick Blaine

Played By: Humprey Bogart

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Clive Owen

Ok, no one could replace Humphrey Bogart, and Clive Owen's got a strike against him for being British (but I'm sure he could do an American accent), but while watching Children of Men I definatly got a vibe of Rick Blaine. I mean his relationship with Julianne Moore strikes a similar chord to Rick's and Illsa's and how he gets over his apathy to sacrifice himself in order to help fix the world in chaos around him. Plus he is pretty fucking cool.

Stads: George Clooney

I have been in love with Clooney since Ulysses Everett McGill in O' Brother Where Art Thou. Oddly enough, that role is about the polar opposite of Rick Blaine. Clooney can still do a great job of being that cynical, dark guy that you still love and root for. Be it getting the girl, or stealing the money from the casino.

Our Issues With Our Choices
Here's the part of the section where we piss all over ther other guy's picks (metaphorically of course, Rachel McAdmas has yet to return my calls).

Stads: First two are the exact same, which is nice, because I would be amazed if you saw them as anyone else.

shanedeaux: Indeed we were both great in our picks.

Stads: Fiennes is outdated and past his prime, he did a great Nazi in 1993.

shandeaux: Outdated? Past his prime? Even if that were the case, which it's not, John Travolta has proved time and time again that a washed-up actor can still land a great role and do a great job at it. Now as for your pick with Bobby, while no one is going to argue that he is without question one of the greatest method actors ever, he worries me. Only because he'll be doing a German accent (I'm presuming), which to me, seems very, very funny.

Stads: Jaimie Foxx is a superb actor, and he actually is capable of singing. My only issue with him, is I feel that he lacks that old-man vibe that I feel Sam needs.

shanedeaux: Ok, here we just have different views on where Sam needs to go, you say sage, I say closest friend. To me going the wise old friend route dips a bit into the "magic Negro" character. Plus Freeman won't be nararrating, so why would he want to be a part of it?

Stads: Jude Law irritates the hell out of me. Too british, too suave. I feel like he would steal away my girlfriend and sleep with her before my american ass can do anything about it. I do feel that Lazlo needs to be hated, but I also think he deserves some respect, which I can not and will not, give to Jude Law.

shandeaux: Again to me, Jude Law could easily portray a respected hero, but still come off as a douche. And as for him being British, at least I'm not just picking Americans for a movie set in North Africa during the beginnings of World War II. As for Eckhart, kinda the same complaints you had with Jude. Except he seems more sleazy than suave.

Stads: Unfortunately I can't really attack Gervais because I have never seen him act. Writing and acting are two separate skills, but hell, look at Conan O'Brien. In the same way that I can't attack him, however, I really can't see how anyone could defend him.

shandeaux: Fortunatley I can attack Robin Williams. Yes, the cat can act, but you're putting Robin Williams in a comedic role. That's just dangerous. It's like giving a pyromaniac a flamethrower, sure he'll find creative and interesting ways to use it, but someone's going to get hurt. I don't see how he can stop himself from being the coked out Mork from Ork he always is. And yes you cite movies where he had great dramatic parts, but they were counter-poised with him riffing and doing funny voices.

Stads: As I stated earlier, Illsa is all in the eyes. To me, Eva Green looks way more dark and cynical than young and naive. I will give you that she is a looker though.

shandeaux: Ok, your comment about the eyes is well put and damn insightful, but I disagree that Illsa needs to be played young and naive. She's given up on her true love, spent years helping combat Nazis, and now she's the center of the same love triangle she almost died inside giving up years ago. I agree not cynical, but certainly not naive, and I think Eva can play that balance.

Stads: I respect Clive Owen as an actor, and will watch almost anything he is in(much the same as George Clooney). Also, he is a bad ass, given. The issue with Owen is that I think he lacks that cool, respected, look, Americans seem to have done so well. Sure he could sound American, but could he throw on a white suit and sit at a table playing chess against himself? Owen just could not come across as a club owner to me.

shandeaux: George Clooney is an inspired choice, so much that I can't believe he hadn't crossed my mind. But to me he's just too friendly. I don't think he can pull off the hard nature and flippant apathy that is required of the role, and that I think Clive Owen could do so well. He'd be a different, darker Rick Blaine granted, and no one can do what Bogart did with that role, but I think Owen has the capacity to embody the essesnce of role better than anyone else.

Ok, how about you out there? Were we spot on with some choices? Did we affront you delicate sensibilities with others? Is Stads a closeted homosexual? Now's your chance to comment. I mean c'mon we can't do all the wrok you lazy bastards. Form your own opinions.