Top Ten Movie Titles that Sound Like Porn

So the Oscar Nominations were today, but instead of waxing intellectual on that I've decided to create my own awards. If like myself you like to puruse through porn you'll notice several titles derived from some of our favorite films. Titles such as Edward Penishands, Bitanic, Cheeks and Thongs: Up In Stroke, Das Boob, Honey, I Blew Everybody, Tits A Wonderful Life, Missionary Position: Impossible, PocAhotAss, Raiders of the Lost Arse, White Men Can't Hump among numerous others (and no I did not make any of those up). But some films don't need ingenius sexual puns added to their titles to become porn, because the titles already do that themselves. It is with great joy that I bring you this top ten list of movies that sound dirty, but aren't. Any full length feature film was eligible (sorry Multi-Facial [that one would've been so good, but it was a short {and you can't a have a short in a porn film}]) Also I eliminated movies in which the title was supposed to bring up these connotations, a la Octopussy, or in the movie's content was still erotic in some way, a la Black Snake Moan.



10. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
Tagline: We are not alone. (I know. Just lie back and accept it.)
What it sounds like: Threesome.
What it's really about: Another one of Speilberg's opuses (opum?). After witnessing a UFO a man (Richard Dreyfuss) begins to alienate his family with his obsession over the incident and the cover-up being perpetrated by the government.


9. Snatch. (2000)
Tagline: Now you see it, now you don't! (And it'll cost $200 to see it again.)
What it sounds like: Vaginas.
What it's really about: Hyperlink story following the events of several British lowlifes and their connection to a very valuable diamond.


8. Shaft (1971) & (2000)
Tagline: Wanna see Shaft? Better ask yo' mamma. (Heyoo!)
What it sounds like: Penises (penum?). Also apparently your mother's a whore.
What it's really about: Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Who is the man that would risk his neck for his brother man? Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about? They say this cat Shaft is a bad motherfu-


7. Free Willy (1993)
Tagline: How far would you go for a friend? (Hey we're good friends and all, but I'm not going to free your willy.)
What it sounds like: Guys exposing themselves in the park which then inexplicably leads to sex. Or maybe male prositutes have a weekend special or something.
What it's really about: A troubled youth bounds with a killer whale (or orca) that he tries to free from the aquarium. Also the whale's name is Willy.


6. In the Heat of the Night (1967)
Tagline: They got a murder on their hands . . . they don't know what to do with it. (Is murder slang for penis now?)
What it sounds like: Sex. At night. While it's hot.
What it's about: A daring tale of racism in the 60s, Sidney Poitier is a black Philadelphia cop grudgingly helping a white Mississippi sheriff who grudgingly accepts... grudgingly.


5. The Harder They Come (1972)
Tagline: With a Piece in His Hand He Takes on the Man! (Not my type of porno, no matter what my history would indicate.)
What it sounds like: Lots of powerful orgasms. Probably some "best of" squirters.
What it really is: A Reggae singer finds corruption in the record industry and then turns to a life of crime and becomes a politcal figure.


4. After the Hole (2001)
Tagline: Desperate To Get In. Dying To Get Out. (Yup sounds about right)
What it sounds like: Anal sex.
What it really is: British kids get trapped in an old bomb shelter. Hilarity ensues. Depressing, psychologically horrifying hilarity.


3. Babes in Toyland (1934), (1961), & (1997) (That's right three different movies have this title and none are about a hot lesbian toy party.)
Tagline: It's Bright! It's Wonderful! A Musical Holiday of Fun for Everyone! (I'll say!)
What it sound like: A hot lesbian toy party.
What it's really about: A Laurel and Hardy flick, a musical about nursery rhymes with too complex a plot to put down, or an animated version of the above mentioned musical.


2. The ButterCream Gang (1992)
Tagline: Good kids, small-town fun, and unconditional love for a struggling friend. (If they're struggling they're probably trying to say, "No," through the ball gag.)
What it sounds like: A series of orgies. Buttery, creamy orgies.
What it's really about: A gang that does good deeds loses one of its members to the wrong crowd. Now they must try to free him of his wicked ways.

1. How Green Was My Valley (1941)
Tagline: Millions Have Read This Great Novel... Millions more will see an even greater picture! (Insert something dirty about the tagline here)
What it sounds like: Virgins worried about their inexperience or whores worried about the color of their diseased vaginas. Maybe both, like we meet up with the chick five years from now or something
What it's really about: Best Picture Oscar winning flick about coal-miners at the turn of the century.

Heroin Hero

This Review is really of Beautiful Katamari for the Xbox 360, but the game is essentially Heroin Hero, because you continue to play it, knowing there are better gaming experiences out there. Something in this game draws you towards it, and you enjoy it like sweet, sweet candy. All right, not candy as much as....well heroin. But heroin, ladies and gentleman, is a hell of a drug.

         Here's the complicated premise of this game, ready? You are a little guy with a ball(called a katamari) that rolls stuff up. There's a little bit more to it than that sure, but this is basically what you do. You go down to earth from this planet and roll up things. You start with small things like chess pieces and sticks of gum until you can roll up dogs, people, cars, buildings, sea monsters. In this version for the first time you actually get so big that you roll up planets. Nothing is as satisfying as having a game tell you that you rolled a katamari as big as 1,368 Uzbekistans. 

         This game has caught a lot of heat for not changing much from past games (Beautiful is the fourth installment) but to me they changed just enough. The main menu has become interactive as you wander from area to area and take on the new "missions". The main issue with the game is it's length. It's really only about a 10-15 hour game, depending on how much of the extra stuff you decide you want to do. Which is actually an upgrade from the old Katamari titles. So you can at least give Bandai credit for pinpointing the problem, they just didn't add enough. Your average gamer will finish this game in about a day and a half. Then again, your average gamer will finish this game in a day and a half due to not being able to stop playing it once they begin playing it. 

         Basically no game is released on 360 now without some sort of online gameplay that we can only assume Microsoft forces them to throw on there so more people will purchase xboxlive. Don't get me wrong, xbox live is a worthy investment in my mind, but this doesn't change the fact that Microsoft is greedy as hell, but I digress... The multiplayer on Beautiful Katamari is slightly entertaining at best. You go online to other "planets" and sit and wait for more people to join the lobby until the host decides it's enough people. Then you try to knock things off of the other player's katamari. Not exactly worth anyones' time unless you are friends with a bunch of six year olds with xbox live, and most of them are playing halo 3.

To wrap it up, great game, but short. Certainly not worth $60, but not bad for the $40 it is currently at. This game won't amaze you, but I would say it's worth purchasing. There's a demo on xbox live, so if you're interested in the game, check it out before pulling out your wallet.

Beautiful Katamari for Xbox 360

7.5 out of 10

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Ok, I know I said I'd write a review for every flick I see from now on regardless, but for some reason I just didn't feel the need to extricate my thoughts on Con Air, or The 6th Day, or Death Race 2000 (I mean what could I possibly say that hasn't been said already?), so that idea's out the window instead I'll just stick to movies in the theatre or if a flick really grabs my attention outside of that. I know you guys are all dreadfully disappointed.


So, to the matter at hand: my take on National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Long story short it was entertaining and if you enjoyed the first you'll like this one as well. That being said it was a whole lot stupider than the original and really banks on the audience's will to just lay back and accept certain things (yet when I expect girls to do that I don't make millions of dollars at the box office, no I get another restraining order). So why was this film dumbed down compared to the original about billions of dollars worth of gold and artifacts lying undiscovered in a five mile deep whole under a church in New York led their by a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence found by some invisible spectacles made by Ben Franklin (also there was a huge explosion on a Colonial ship trapped in the ice in the middle of the arctic circle)? Simple it was less believable.

This time around good ol' Ben Gates (Nicolas Cage) is finding an ancient Native American city of gold which everyone from the Spanish conquistadors, to the Confederacy, to William Custer sought after. And of course to do that he, along with his usual gang of misfits, must kidnap the president in order to gain access to the BOOK OF SECRETS (insert dramatic music here). So how is this flick the retarded cousin of its predecessor? First off (also I'll probably be ruining some aspects of the film [such as they find the treasure. SHOCKER!]) the treasure is Olmec (the South American pre-Columbian native people, not the talking stone face from Legends of the Hidden Temple) so I'm confused why they would travel thousands of miles north to hide it in South Dakota. Also it is never explained why Queen Victoria managed to be the only person to attain the secret riddle required to finding the city of gold in the Black Hills or why they decided to hide clues to it with the help of French architects? Oh, because they wanted the South to win the Civil War, of course. And might I add, that Ben pseudo-kidnaps the president in order to convince him to have access to the BOOK OF SECRETS, which he does, but the president will not let him go to jail only if he finds the treasure. Why kind of a dick move is that? Sure I believe you about the treasure, and will help you by telling you how to get to the BOOK OF SECRETS, but if you get caught before you find it, despite the fact that I believe you and you put me in no harm's way, I won't help you. Was this just done so Ben would have to avoid the cops again while finding the treasure... again? What the hell fictional president, what the hell?

But whatever, let's just suspend our beliefs for the next two hours and not worry about it. However, the reason Ben Gates is finding the treasure is to prove that his great-granddaddy was not a co-conspirator in the assassination Lincoln (Abraham Lincoln). Maybe I just don't understand these things but how does finding the treasure exonerate him? I mean regardless if the treasure does exist who's to say he wasn't helping the assassinators? The standard bad-guy (Ed Harris) does apologize for raking Ben's ancestor's credibility in the mud, but his name in John Wilkes Booth's diary doesn't change his involvement. Maybe I just zoned out when they told the audience how it redeems him, but I still don't get it. So that's my problem with the story, but you know I'm a stickler for things that make sense and don't have plot holes so large that light can't even escape from their gravitational pull, but like I said it's enjoyable.

The only other issue (I feel like writing about) was Ed Harris's villain character. The writer's tried to give him depth by not making him mindlessly evil or just wanting money or whatever. No, instead they set him up with a back story similar to Ben's (it was his great-granddaddy that got the letter from Queen Victoria that led them to the treasure, so his entire family through the generations has been looking for it. Sound familiar? That's rhetorical, don't answer that), so that we can empathize with him, but he's evil because he implicated Ben's grandfather (or just showed the truth, again I'm not exactly sure how that worked) so that Ben would need to find the treasure to prove his innocence, so that Ed Harris would then swoop in and steal the treasure and claim he found it, or whatever. We never really hear what his evil machinations were actually to be. So what we're supposed to see is a conflicted character that just fell to the dark side of the treasure hunting ways in order to save his ancestor's names who know doubt lost the same respect Ben's did with this treasure hunting of theirs. They attempt to break outside the cookie cutter characters that were prevalent in the first one (protagonist, antagonist, comic relief, love interest, old guy, Harvey Keitel, etc.) by creating a bad guy who isn't all bad, but with whom Ben (and thereby we) can related with. However, he just comes off like the writer's wrote him two ways (one where he's typical villain, and one where he is a desperate treasure hunter who resorts to less-than-scrupulous tactics) decided to combine the two and just chose certain scenes from each script not re-writing the whole thing so that it would fit. Also killing him by him kind of sacrificing himself to save everyone only after his plan to have Ben stay behind to save everyone was dues ex machinaed (look it up) and it was the only option left was a clear cop out on the writer's part. We want to show he's good deep down, but also selfish but only because of the generarations of failing ot find the treasure, yet we can't have him live because then the bad guy would have gotten away with it, and the other characters would have to make some sort of decision about turning him in or have him kill them so they wouldn't turn him in which would truly make him a evil, so we'll create this elaborate scenario that will take care of all that. Well done.

So in closing stupid, but entertaining. Fairly intriguing popcorn flick. But still incredibly moronic so five out of ten.


Rating: 5/10

21 Flicks to See in 2008

With 2008 around the corner, it seems apt to... what? 2008 started 15 days ago? Why wasn't I informed about this? You know what forget it. Let's just roll that beautiful bean footage.


Cloverfield
Release Date: January 18th, 2008
Director: Matt Reeves
Writer: Drew Goddard (Lost, Alias, Angel, Buffy)
Cast: Mike Vogel, Lizzy Caplan, Jessica Lucas, T.J. Miller, and Michael Stahl-David
Why I Want to See It: You may have caught the teaser trailer this summer. It was the one where a party was being filmed on a camcorder and then something crash lands causing mass chaos, and that’s pretty much all that’s known about this movie. Well, this is the latest brain child from J.J. Abrams (of whom I am a fan). You may be familiar with some of his creations: Lost and Alias. He also wrote and directed the best Mission Impossible movie last year. So I’m feeling this movie is going to be great as this man can obviously do action and weird, perfect for a mysterious explosive crash in New York. I'm also enjoying the original POV style of shooting this (I'm ignoring Blair Witch Project, because I can) though this is still being directed by someone who hasn't really done much work yet in movies, so we'll see what he can bring to the table.

Be Kind Rewind
Release Date: January 23rd, 2008
Writer/Director: Michel Gondy (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Science of Sleep)
Cast: Jack Black, Mos Def, Danny Glover, Melonie Diaz, Mia Farrow
Why I Want to See It: Movie rental employee Jack Black through accidents in magnetism erases all the videos in the store (apparently he becomes magnetic, don't ask me how), and now he and his friend and fellow employee Mos Def must re-film all the movies, starring themselves and various people in their town, in order to keep renting the store afloat becoming local celebrities in the process. Now this premise sounds sketchy and could be hit or miss, but with Michael Gondry (you might remember him as the director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and you’ve probably never heard of him from The Science of Sleep) at the helm, I’m thinking this is going to be a winner. Plus it just creates the perfect medium to pay tribute and lampoon some great films, which as a fan of movies I am anxious to see.

The Band's Visit
Release Dat: February 8, 2008
Writer/Director: Erin Kolirin
Cast: A bunch of foreign people.
Why I Want to See It: I'll probably one of the few people looking forward to this flick and that's out of the 12 who'll actually hear about it at all next year. This is foreign film about a band who accidently gets on the wrong bus debuted in Israel last September (those Israelis get all the luck huh?) and is making it to the States in a limited release in early Febuary. Now, I'm only excited for this flick because I saw a trailer for it, which is indescribable. It seemed increadibly funny, and yet I didn't laugh. Increadibly heartfelt, but it wasn't sentimental. With a great message, yet about nothing. So you can see why I'm excited for it. This film probably isn't for everyone, but trust me I'm feeling this one's going to be a winner.

Jumper
Release Date: February 15th, 2008
Director: Doug Liman (Go, The Bourne Identity)
Writer: David S. Goyer (Batman Begins, Blade, Dark City)
Cast: Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson, Diane Lane, Jamie Bell, Rachel Bilson
Why I Want to See It: I was kind od apprehensive about this flick, and it still could end up being incredibly stupid, but the trailer does make it look so cool. Anakin Skywalker discovers he can teleport. Mace Windu is a part of a society that tries to kill them. That OC chick is hot in a bra.

Charlie Bartlett
Release Date: February 22nd, 2008
Director: Jon Poll
Cast: Anton Yelchin, Rober Downey Jr., Hope Davis
Why I Want to See It: This trailer caught my eye sometime last year. It's titular character Charlie Bartlett gets kicked out of boarding school and is having some time adjusting into public high school that is until he becomes a psychiatrist of sorts for the students. Very indie flick about the typical problems of high school existence with the really big one of finding your place being the overarching one. I trust it.

Synechdoce, New York
Release Date: Early 2008 (estimated)
Writer/Director: Charlie Kaufman
Cast: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Catherine Keener, Samantha Morton
Why I Want to See It: Because it's the directorial debut of Charlie Kaufman the most ingenius sciptwriter Hollywood ever gave a shot. He's the man that penned Being John Malkovich, about a puppeteer who discovers a portal into the mind of John Malkovich, which helps to result in a bizarre love triangle with himself, a coworker, and his wife when she's in John Malkovich, Adaption., about him and his fictional twin brother adapting a real book about orchids into the movie Adaptation., and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, about a man trying to prevent his memory of his girlfriend from being erased. And I doubt the greatness train will stop with this film, plus it has the Hoff (the one you can hassel) which certainly can't take anything away from it.

21
Release Date: March 21st, 2008
Director: Robert Luketic
Writer: Peter Steinfeld (Analyze That, Be Cool)
Cast: Jim Sturgess, Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth, Laurence Fishburne, Aaron Yoo
Why I Want to See It: You may or may not be familiar with the notorious MIT blackjack team, well needless to say this movie is going to be based on that. Basically, six kids are trained by one of their professors (played by the greatest actor today Kevin Spacey) in simplified form of card counting in order to make millions from the Las Vegas casinos (in reality they never made more than 200,000 at the peak, which then started to dwindle, but this is Hollywood, so I doubt it’s going to be that accurate).


Iron Man
Release Date: May 2nd, 2008
Director: Jon Favreau (Elf, Made)
Cast: Robert Downey, Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Jeff Bridges, Terrance Howard, Samuel L. Jackson
Why I Want to See It: Yes, another comic book adaptation (c’mon people a comic book is essentially an entire script written and storyboarded with a built in fan base, basically a no brainer to make a movie) about Tony Stark and his fabulous power suit. Robert Downey Jr. (who’s been really showing these past few years how drug rehab can turn a star of cheesy 80s movie into a truly magnificent actor) is Iron Man, Jeff “The Dude” Bridges is the villain, Samuel L. “Motherfucking” Jackson reprises his role as Nick Fury Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., and writer/director/actor Jon Favreau is helming. Sounds like a winning combination.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Release Date: May 22nd, 2008
Director: Steven Spielberg (Name doesn't sound familiar. Probably a new comer.)
Cast: Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf, Karen Allen, Cate Blanchett, John Hurt
Why I Want to See It: OK, I am not a huge fan of the name. In fact I think it is completely retarded, but as long as the film’s in line with Raiders or Last Crusade and not Temple of Doom, it’ll be fine. Sure Harrison Ford’s 60 and Sean Connery opted out of it and there won’t be any Nazis and there’s some rumors floating around that aliens could be involved (it’s Spielberg and Area 51 is involved somehow so it is a distinct possibility), but they’re bringing back Marion Ravenwood (don’t make me explain who that is) and Shia LeBoeuf is Indy’s “younger companion” (that kinda makes Indy sound like a pedophile, but I was alluding that that was his son) and I am a fan of the LeBoeuf, the kid has some promise. I just hope they don't fuck it up.

Wall-E
Release Date: June 27th, 2008
Director: Andrew Stanton (Finding Nemo)
Why I Want to See It: How can you not love Pixar? They just make great movies and keep raising all kinds of bars. Plus this robot premise sounds really cool.

Valkyrie
Release Date: June 27th, 2008
Director: Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects, Superman Returns, X2)
Writer: Christopher McQuarrie (The Usual Suspects, The Way of the Gun)
Cast: Tom Cruise, Kevin McNally, Eddie Izzard, Christian Berkel, Bill Nighy, Terence Stamp, Stephen Fry, Tom Wilkinson, David Schofield and Kenneth Branagh
Why I Want to See It: The movie details the true plot of several SS officers to assassinate Adolf Hitler at the height of WWII. So story is definitely interesting. Also it’s being directed by Bryan Singer (think The Usual Suspect, X-Men, X-2: X-Men United, and I guess you could go to Superman Returns if you have to) so the direction will be strong. And there’s a nice ensemble cast of Tom Cruise, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, Terrance Stamp Stephen Fry, and Eddie Izzard (amongst others obviously). All looks good, though I will admit the choice of casting Jim Carrey as Hitler is a bit odd. That’s a joke by the way.

Hancock
Release Date: July 2nd, 2008
Director: Peter Berg (The Kingdom, Friday Night Lights)
Cast: Will Smith, Jason Bateman, Charlize Theron, Johnny Galecki
Why I Want to See It: This is a Will Smith flick opening on Fourth of July weekend, so even if it's discovered that there's a fifty percent chance of dying by watching this film, it'll still make at least $300 million its first week. Anyway the premise is interesting about a superhero that everyone despises who starts a relationship with the wife of his public relation's guy whose trying to repair his image. Plus it has the Jason Bateman of whom I'm a big fan.

The Dark Knight
Release Date: July 18th, 2008
Director: Christopher Nolan (Batman Begins, Memento, The Prestige)
Cast: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Cillian Murphy, Michael Caine, Anthony Michael Hall, Aaron Eckhart
Why I Want to See It: No reason necessary just go and see it.

Trailer Trash
Release Date: August 22nd, 2008
Director: Eli Roth
Cast: Unannounced
Why I Want to See It: Remember those sweet trailers during Grindhouse? Remember the best one, Thanksgiving? Now imagine that the creator of that is devoting a whole movie to just cheesy horribly great trailers. It's going to be the greatest parts of Grindhouse with the sketch sensibilites of Monty Python movies or Kentucky Fried Movie. A great time at the movies for all.

The Brothers Bloom
Release Date: August 29th, 2008
Writer/Director: Rian Johnson (Brick)
Cast: Rachel Weisz, Adrien Brody, Mark Ruffalo
Why I Want to See It: Because Rian Johnson made one of my fvaorite movies when he came onto the map in 2005. Because it's about two con men whose swindles are complex creations of lust and intrigue. Because they've decided to do one last con, and something's bound to go wrong. (is it just me or did this make me sound really gay for some reason?)

Choke
Release Date: Summer 2008 (estimated)
Writer/Director: Clark Gregg
Cast: Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Kelly Macdonald
Why I Want to See It: The other movie adaptation of a Chuck Palahniuck book yeilded Fight Club. Admittedly that was helmed by David Fincher and had Edward Norton and Brad Pitt, and so this isn't guarenteed Fight Cub's greatness, but it still has Sam Rockwell and Anjelica Huston and that chick from No Country for Old Men. The writer/director is untried, but come on people just give him a chance. Just one chance to make his name before you start raking him in the mud like the vultures you pretend not to be.

RocknRolla
Release Date: October 3, 2008
Writer/Director: Guy Ritchie (Snatch, Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels)
Cast: Gerard Butler, Jeremy Piven, Thandie Newton, Tom Wilkinson
Why I Want to See It: Guy Ritchie returns to what he does best: being England's Quinten Tarantino. It got scary when he cast his wife (Madonna) in a love story that was so bad she swore she'd never act again. Bad career move or did he just take one for the team so Madonna would stop acting? Regardless I'm, looking forward to some good ol' fashioned London gangster hyperlink shenanigans.


The Box
Release Date: Fall 2008 (estimated)
Writer/Director: Richard Kelly (Donnie Darko, Southland Tales)
Cast: Sean William Scott, Cameron Diaz
Why I Want to See It: Ok, Richard Kelly fell into his sophomore curse after the undeniably great Donnie Darko. He went from being the golden indie boy to being kicked off the throne. He knows what it's like to lauded and loathed, and I'm willing to bet that his third flick will make us all remember why we liked him so much in the beginning.


Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Release Date: Fall 2008 (estimated)
Writer/Director: Kevin Smith (Clerks, Chasing Amy, Dogma)
Cast: Seth Rogen, Elizabeth Banks, Jason Mewes, Jeff Anderson
Why I Want to See It: C’mon the title alone should make you want to see this movie. And when learning this is from the brain pan of Kevin Smith and starring Seth Rogen (The guy who starred in Knocked-Up) and Elizabeth Banks (the chick JD knocked-up on Scrubs), you know it’s going to be quality. No one can do verbal bukkake (both in quantity and dirtiness) and yet still manage to be smart and heartwarming like Kevin Smith.

Brüno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt
Release Date: 2008??
Director: Dan Mazer (Borat)
Cast: Sacha Baron Cohen
Why I Want to See It: If it's anything like Borat, and there's nothing to indicate it won't be, it's going to be good.


Jack and Diane
Release Date: 2008???
Writer/Director: Bradley Rust Gray
Cast: Ellen Page, Olivia Thrilby
Why I Want to See It: Ok, this is another curve ball I'm throwing. This film stars Ellen Page(Juno) as Diane and Olivia Thrilby (Juno's friend) as Jack. Its the classic tale of love between to teenage girls, but like in any relationship problems arise. Diane is leaving the country in a week and Jack begins to push away because of it. So Diane must keep their love alive while hiding the fact that she occasionally becomes a werewolf when she becomes sexually aroused. Naturally this plot raises a couple of questions such as: Really?!!? Nothing indicates that this movie won't take itself completely seriously, but how can it with the plot sounding like it was ripped off some horrible sci-fi lesbian romance novel? And with that how could it possibly be good? But why off the great part in Juno would Page decide to do a shit film? I hope this movie is prepared to answer these questions.

Future Looks Bright

There's no doubt in anyones mind that 2007 was an incredible year for gaming, with games like Mass Effect and BioShock, and of course Halo 3.  But let's not forget Call of Duty 4 as well as Super Mario Galaxy, the list goes on....

Well technology, believe it or not, is not cyclical. So we have even better graphics and violence to look forward to. I've got my eye on a couple sequels that I am really looking forward to, and will most likely write up reviews for. I'm sure there are going to be some great titles out there of original games, however, I know what to expect out of sequels. I could never condone running out and buying a game simply because it's predecessor was enjoyable like I do, but here are a couple titles we should theoretically see great things out of in the next few months.

Grand Theft Auto IV(PS3 & Xbox 360- 4/1/08)

April almost seems a cruel amount of time to force us mere mortals to wait for a sequel that may possibly be anticipated just as much as Halo 3.  Sure, Vice City and San Andreas are very well made games (I'm much more partial to Vice City out of the two.) but they weren't actually sequels.  Sure the game points to the moral decay of our society, but I'm of the opinion that if Rockstar didn't take on the job, someone would.  The game takes place back in Liberty City, which is looking more beautiful than ever. From the street level to the tops of buildings, everything looks incredible.  From what I've read and seen, it looks like Rockstar is doing their best to make things even more realistic. For instance, instead of strolling into your local Ammunation and buying a rocket launcher from your one armed pal Phil. You have to pull out your cell phone, call an arms dealer, and buy guns from him out of his trunk. How cool is that? What I have always liked best about these games, is how large the playground is. I have always been a huge fan of games like Grand Theft Auto, Spiderman(3 was pathetic, but other two are great) and even the Tony Hawk franchise. I am really looking forward to pulling some innocent bystander out of a vehicle that I am need of way more than her, and just cruising around Liberty City listening to Lazlo talk to crazy people on the radio.

Burnout Paradise

I was only recently pulled into this series, as Paradise will be the fifth installment. But Burnout Revenge is the most fun I have ever gotten out of a racing game, so I'm expecting good things. The demo is available online for both the 360 and the ps3 so feel free to check it out as I did. Paradise takes a different turn from the format I was familiar with on Revenge. Instead of flipping through individual races, the entire city is open to you, and you go around and find races and crashes yourself. Sort of like Grand Theft Auto, but you can't ever get out of the car. My initial reaction to this, was very optimistic due to my love for this style of play as I stated earlier. But I must admit after playing through the demo, I'm actually thinking less of this title than I would have had I not played it. However demos are just that, demos, and I never think it fair to judge a game off of the unfinished product that they thrust out onto the market. Lots of people out there, played the Halo 3 beta, after purchasing a great game for just that reason, and become convinced that Halo 3 was not as great as it could be. Well of course it wasn't, it's wasn't finished. My main qualm with Paradise is that they may have added just too much. Some of you may say too much can never be a bad thing, but I think in a racing game it really can add too much complexity.  You race to one location and there are five different ways to get there, that's just too much. Maybe I'm just resistant to this much change, but I liked the way Revenge was set up. Rarely would I hate a demo enough to not ever purchase the game, but I  am going to wait the few months it takes for Paradise to drop a few bucks. On a side note, the soundtrack looked promising as always, so even if you're not enjoying it a ton, you can at least enjoy the music.

Ninja Gaiden II( Xbox 360- 4/1/08)

Ninja Gaiden for the Xbox might actually be my favorite game of all time. At least my favorite game in the last couple years. The game is incredibly difficult, but that makes beating it all the more satisfying. When Sigma came out, I freaked because I thought I would actually have to purchase a ps3, but fortunately the game wasn't really any different. Well now all my dreams have come true, and there's a new action packed game, with new crazy Japanese plot that will make no sense. Not only that, but its only coming out for the 360! It's like Santa decided that once a year was not enough to grace us with his presents. Of course, this is assuming Santa is as huge of a fan of ninjas brutally killing a bunch of freaky demons. But who isn't? The game looks similar to the last Ninja Gaiden, which is not a problem to me at all, but if you weren't into that title, you probably will not be into this one. The game is hard, its no mortal kombat, and takes much more than button mashing. The only real changes I noticed were of course, new weapons and creepy dragon-like things that want to kill you. Also the bodies do not go away, which means that after you kill the twenty guys you kill in one place, blood will be everywhere. Needless to say, this won't be a game for the little ones.

Advance Wars: Days of Ruin ( DS -1/21/08) 

Advance Wars always make handhelds worthwhile. A simple tactical game that doesn't really heavily on graphics, is the reason that anyone above the age of eight, owns a Nintendo DS. All the previews have been saying that this new installment will be darker than the others, and abandon the friendly CO's from the previous games. This isn't a title that I will skip out to the store and purchase giddily on release date, but its still something that I am looking forward to. This classic turn-based style game is not as original as Puzzle Quest, but you know what they say "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."  If anything the graphics should be improved, but from there, I see no reason to change the old formula. 

Those are the games under my radar for the next couple months. You can expect reviews for them as they come out. The future is looking bright people, stay excited.

Because stopping would only prove that he has won, and adaptation only makes me stronger

Goodnight, you princes of Persia. You kings of Camelot

Golden Globe Predictions

With the Golden Globes in about 12 hours I think it's time to spout some predictions off. You can sort of think of this as a way of testing my merit on the film industry, also don't be surprised if I change my answers after the results are announced.

BEST MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
American Gangster
Atonement
Eastern Promises
The Great Debaters
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood

This is going to be a close one folks. But I’m putting my chips down for No Country for Old Men for two reasons: one it’s been dominating “Best Picture” awards so far and two it is the best movie on that list. I doubt American Gangster will connect. Michael Clayton's wrapped up in its message, while Eastern Promises is not a great powerhouse, I say give that director a few more films before he truly gives us a master piece. The only other movie that could take this category could be There Will Be Blood and it would be deserving, but I’m betting No Country will squeak out a winner. Also note a possibility of a split vote between Blood and Country and third movie taking the prize.

BEST MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Across the Universe
Charlie Wilson's War
Hairspray
Juno
Sweeney Todd

Also a difficult one, and may I just say I think it’s retarded that comedy and musical are lumped like this. But still Globes gets props for giving comedies a chance to win big awards if the Oscars won’t, even if it means creating a completely separate category for them. Anyway this is also is difficult. I’m going to go ahead and eliminate Across the Universe and Hairspray from the running as general feelings toward both are divided. Now Juno could win because of its amazing script, Sweeney Todd could pull it out because it’s Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, while Charlie Wilson’s War’s got Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman who people just love throwing awards to in a bio-pic by Aaron “You Can’t Handle the Truth” Sorkin. My bets on Sweeney Todd though. Tim Burton rarely gets the love, and this is the film that'll probably give it to him (I know what I said). Wilson despite it's powerhouse stars did not hit it out of the park, and Juno is a tad too quirkie/indie but will get screenplay so it’s got that going for it.

BEST DIRECTOR
Tim Burton, Sweeney Todd
Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men
Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Ridley Scott, American Gangster
Joe Wright, Atonement

I think this is the Coen’s year. Truly No Country showed how great a director they are, plus with my belief that No Country will win Best Picture, it pretty much guarantees the director gets a statue as well, and I feel they have a better chance of getting Director than Picture anyway. However again Burton rarely gets love and Todd could be the one to give it to him, but still my money’s on the two-headed director.

BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
James McEvoy, Atonement
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises
Denzel Washington, American Gangster

This a race between Clooney and Day-Lewis really. Truly Danny Boy had the better performance. I mean, it was just stellar, but Georgie Boy was certainly not bad in his role. Still it would surprise me if Daniel Day-Lewis did not get this.

BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie, Away From Her
Jodie Foster, The Brave One
Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart
Keira Knightley, Atonement

I’m hearing great things about Julie Christie’s take on a woman with Alzheimer’s, and I’m pretty sure she’s got it clinched. No other role on this list is stellar enough to even be nominated, with possible exception of Cate Blanchett, but still this vacuum of nothingness will pretty much guarantee Christie.

BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd
Ryan Gosling, Lars and the Real Girl
Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson's War
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Savages
John C. Reilly, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

I’m going to say no to Gosling, no to Hoffman, and no to Reilly. Gosling turned a great performance in a not so great movie and exactly like Half Nelson won’t win, Hoffman’s just up there because he’s great in general, but Savages is not his best, and Cox just lacks a true emotional range for Reilly to get it. So we got Depp and Hanks. Both were good in their respective films and both are good in general, but Hanks was kind of overshadowed by Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Charlie Wilson's War. And because of that I'm thinking this one will go to Depp.

BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Amy Adams, Enchanted
Nikki Blonsky, Hairspray
Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd
Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose
Ellen Page, Juno

Pretty much Ellen Page for Juno. Helena Bonham Carter's got a shot, but I'm thinking break through role, great performance in fairly dry field, young kid. The Golden Globes will gladly reward her work.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE
Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson's War
John Travolta, Hairspray
Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton

Difficult one. And may I say I am confused why Paul Dano was ignored for There Will Be Blood, when the boy stood toe-to-toe with Daniel Day-Lewis's great performance and gave some emotionally harrowing scenes. Anyway, I’m going to have to say, "No," to Hoffman, Travolta, and Wilkinson though. See my Best Actor reason for why Hoffman won’t get it and though I did say he stole the movie from Hanks it was more of his lines than his acting that did it, just plain no to John Travolta, and Wilkinson isn’t getting enough praise to shoot him for an award. So we’re left with the lesser Affleck and some Spanish dude. Now truthfully Affleck has had the better year overall with Jesse James, Gone Baby Gone, and truly evolving his Malloy character in Ocean’s 13 until he was the best part of that movie, but Javier Bardem was just so creepily good, and never has anyone made unscrewing a light bulb more badass. But I will say if Bardem doesn’t get a Globe for his work he’ll get the Oscar regardless.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE
Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There
Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson's War
Saiorse Ronan, Atonement
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

A much better showcase of talent the Best Actress Nominees and thus much harder to select a winner, but definitely the leaders of this back are Cate Blanchett and Amy Ryan. Both pulled off great performances and are experiencing awards already. However Cate Balnchett’s best thing going for her is also hindrance: the fact that she played Bob Dylan. Admittedly, she was spot-fucking-on, but it may be a tad too gimmicky, plus Amy Ryan is basically a new name, so she has that going for her, could go either way.

BEST SCREENPLAY
Diablo Cody, Juno
Ethan and Joel Coen, No Country for Old Men
Christopher Hampton, Atonement
Ronald Harwood, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Aaron Sorkin, Charlie Wilson's War

While the Coen Brothers are the greatest screenwriters of our generation (possible exception to Quentin Tarantino) and Aaron Sorkin’s writing is just so crisp and can balance superb comedy and drama, Diablo Cody is just so hot right now, and Juno’s not getting Best Picture so Best Screenplay is basically consolation prize for that

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Bee Movie
Ratatouille
The Simpsons Movie

Ratatouille.

BEST FOREIGN-LANGUAGE FILM
4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days (Romania)
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (France/U.S.)
The Kite Runner (U.S.)
Lust, Caution (Taiwan)
Persepolis (France)

A whole shit load of good foreign films. And since I haven’t seen any of these yet I can’t really put one over another, I’ll just give a rundown of what they have going for them. 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days won the Palme D’Or at Cannes, so it’s extremely good, perhaps too good and thus the rest of the world isn’t ready for it. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly already got its director a nod for Best Director. And for a foreign language film to do that is pretty damn good. The Kite Runner the highly praised movie based off the highly praised book. Lust, Caution is by the incomparable Ang Lee with the same crew as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (though the Chinese people don’t fly). And Persepolis is being lauded as the best cartoon of the year. Though if pressed for an answer I'd say The Diving Bell, because it's the only other one recognized in another category.

BEST SCORE
Atonement
Eastern Promises
Grace is Gone
Into the Wild
The Kite Runner

Really have no idea. Though Clint Eastwood did the score for Grace is Gone, which surprises me.

ORIGINAL SONG
''That's How You Know,'' Enchanted
''Grace Is Gone,'' Grace Is Gone
''Guaranteed,'' Into the Wild
''Despedida,'' Love In the Time of Cholera
''Walk Hard,'' Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

Yeah, same as above.

I Wanted To Call It "Super Blues Brothers" or "The League of Ordinary Gentlemen" or "Jak and Silent Bob" or...

Hello, dear readers. Yes, shanedeaux makes his triumphant return. They tried to keep me out. They tried to silence my voice. They tried to have me arrested on conspiracy to commit treason. But they forgot that you can't keep out justice, you can't silence the truth, and you can't arrest someone with evidence seized without a search warrant. Being that as it may I have decided my voice is to vocal for political rhetoric and have moved to the realm of film where the worst that can happen is that Harvey Weinstein will cut off your balls (I'll win that round seeing as I have none).

Now if you are looking for an up-to-date review site on the films playing in your local cinemaplex this weekend where you'll take your girlfriend and try the ol' "popcorn gag" (pun intended) just to have her break up with you (phh! women), I'm afraid I won't be much help there. Not that I lack the knowledge and appreciation for movies that is required to review them, nor is it that I cannot write with quality or grace, cuz az u c i rite god. No, it's that I will rarely venture out to watch a recently released film in time for there to be a relevant review concerning it. So you are then probably wondering what the hell will my contributions to this soon-to-fail project called "Life in a Box" be. Well, I will say I watch an inordinate amount of film. And every movie watched from now on will be reviewed, regardless. So while this doesn't really help with new releases, if you want to see a good flick, but just can't think of any, you now can look to me, some random guy on the internet, to see if whatever random movie I've reviewed is worth your time and then probably just end up watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off again (I think it's good by the way). But that's not all you can expect from me, oh no. I will also gladly write other non-review related articles on movies and the movie world as a whole. These could range from "Top Ten Scenes Involving Rabbits" to "A Look at the Films of Akira Kurosawa" perhaps "My Predictions For the Oscars" or maybe even "Why is There Not a Hot Jessica that Can Act?: Or At Least Why Aren't They Limited to Nothing Else But Sex Scenes?". Yes, all this and more dear reader, all this and more (like some thoughts parenthetically for instance).

So now you know what to expect from me, but what do I expect from you (besides social security numbers from your closest family and friends, but we'll talk about that later)? I am one man with one opinion, probably one different from your own. Contrary to popular belief the internet is not just a place to share pornography and bitch about movies. There are times when you'll think what I say is stupid and retarded (probably redundant and repetitive too). Whatever, make your argument and get over it (plus your mother liked my pompous ass last night). The great thing about the world is that people have different thoughts and are not in lock step with one another. Diversity is great; embrace it. And take some comfort in knowing you don't have to actually hang out with me and you get to be friends with people who agree with everything you say. However, I feel my opinion is based on a credible knowledge of what is considered "a good film" and thus feel I should share that opinion with others. There are many times you and I will probably disagree about something, but it always good to hear someone else's thoughts on the subject. But also know that what I'll say will always be right, while whatever you say will always be wrong (unless you are of course agreeing with me). Glad we cleared that up.

Well, that about does her. Wraps her all up. Expect an installment soon. Unlike my gentleman companion Stads (read into that what you will) I probably won't branch into the video game writing though I probably will tackle television from time to time. And I won't end my posts with some gay quote. "Goodnight you princes of Maine, you kings of New England" seriously Stads? Why not just pull a Welty and suck my cock while you're at it? (talk about going out with a bang! Ba-dum-pa tchh!)

The Break Down

First off, welcome to Life in a Box, a haven for those who want honest non-bias video game and movie reviews.

Ok, so there are hundreds of video game review sites out there, why start up another one? Well my hope is that some of you will read this because you are aware of what I am aware of- when all of these review sites are sporting advertisements from the games themselves, how can you know what's really good and what isn't? 

You can't.

This is where I would like to help. I'm not receiving any money from advertisers, or getting the game for discount prices. I am spending full price on video games that I'm hoping will be entertaining. If they aren't worth my money, then I will always do my best to let you know as such.

I must confess that I have a small dream of being one of those people who gets the games a couple days before everyone else does, but aside from that, I have no selfish reason of starting a video game blog. Video games are something that I know something about, so why not share my knowledge with the masses? If you don't like what I have to say about a game, please never hesitate to share, not everyone can be graced with my infallible opinions.

I am not some journalistic geek fresh out of college, who knows everything there is to know about the gaming world, hasn't been on a date in 10 years, and is happy to finally be off acne medication. But I have owned pretty much every Nintendo since the original and wasted many hours, that admittedly could have been put to better use. But again, I am hoping to use my so called powers for good, and help people know what's worth their hard earned cash, and what's not before it's too late.

The rating system is still being tweaked and it will most likely take me a couple reviews to form a sort of logical pattern that can be interpreted by normal people. But my plan is to follow a normal zero to ten scale, and maybe throw decimals in there, just to mix things up. Complex, I know, but hopefully this way it will be easier for an individual to see what I see(or at the very least, attempt to.) As far as what will be reviewed,  at the moment, I own an Xbox 360, and a Nintendo Wii, as well as a Nintendo DS. My apologies to those Sony fanatics out there, but I have yet to see a game available solely on that platform that was worth the $400. 

 This brings us to the final part of what will come to be known as Life in a Box, the movie reviews. These reviews will mostly be handled by my talented friend Shanedeaux. Every once and a while readers may be graced with my opinion on films, but believe me, his or going to be a whole lot better than mine anyhow. My understanding is that he will mostly focus on movies of the classic film genre, but I would rather give him a chance to explain himself than speak falsely on his behalf.

So that's basically Life in a Box, I hope you crazy internet users are ready for some great stuff. Until Next time 

Goodnight, you princes of Maine. You kings of New England.