Top Ten Movie Titles that Sound Like Porn

So the Oscar Nominations were today, but instead of waxing intellectual on that I've decided to create my own awards. If like myself you like to puruse through porn you'll notice several titles derived from some of our favorite films. Titles such as Edward Penishands, Bitanic, Cheeks and Thongs: Up In Stroke, Das Boob, Honey, I Blew Everybody, Tits A Wonderful Life, Missionary Position: Impossible, PocAhotAss, Raiders of the Lost Arse, White Men Can't Hump among numerous others (and no I did not make any of those up). But some films don't need ingenius sexual puns added to their titles to become porn, because the titles already do that themselves. It is with great joy that I bring you this top ten list of movies that sound dirty, but aren't. Any full length feature film was eligible (sorry Multi-Facial [that one would've been so good, but it was a short {and you can't a have a short in a porn film}]) Also I eliminated movies in which the title was supposed to bring up these connotations, a la Octopussy, or in the movie's content was still erotic in some way, a la Black Snake Moan.



10. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
Tagline: We are not alone. (I know. Just lie back and accept it.)
What it sounds like: Threesome.
What it's really about: Another one of Speilberg's opuses (opum?). After witnessing a UFO a man (Richard Dreyfuss) begins to alienate his family with his obsession over the incident and the cover-up being perpetrated by the government.


9. Snatch. (2000)
Tagline: Now you see it, now you don't! (And it'll cost $200 to see it again.)
What it sounds like: Vaginas.
What it's really about: Hyperlink story following the events of several British lowlifes and their connection to a very valuable diamond.


8. Shaft (1971) & (2000)
Tagline: Wanna see Shaft? Better ask yo' mamma. (Heyoo!)
What it sounds like: Penises (penum?). Also apparently your mother's a whore.
What it's really about: Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Who is the man that would risk his neck for his brother man? Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about? They say this cat Shaft is a bad motherfu-


7. Free Willy (1993)
Tagline: How far would you go for a friend? (Hey we're good friends and all, but I'm not going to free your willy.)
What it sounds like: Guys exposing themselves in the park which then inexplicably leads to sex. Or maybe male prositutes have a weekend special or something.
What it's really about: A troubled youth bounds with a killer whale (or orca) that he tries to free from the aquarium. Also the whale's name is Willy.


6. In the Heat of the Night (1967)
Tagline: They got a murder on their hands . . . they don't know what to do with it. (Is murder slang for penis now?)
What it sounds like: Sex. At night. While it's hot.
What it's about: A daring tale of racism in the 60s, Sidney Poitier is a black Philadelphia cop grudgingly helping a white Mississippi sheriff who grudgingly accepts... grudgingly.


5. The Harder They Come (1972)
Tagline: With a Piece in His Hand He Takes on the Man! (Not my type of porno, no matter what my history would indicate.)
What it sounds like: Lots of powerful orgasms. Probably some "best of" squirters.
What it really is: A Reggae singer finds corruption in the record industry and then turns to a life of crime and becomes a politcal figure.


4. After the Hole (2001)
Tagline: Desperate To Get In. Dying To Get Out. (Yup sounds about right)
What it sounds like: Anal sex.
What it really is: British kids get trapped in an old bomb shelter. Hilarity ensues. Depressing, psychologically horrifying hilarity.


3. Babes in Toyland (1934), (1961), & (1997) (That's right three different movies have this title and none are about a hot lesbian toy party.)
Tagline: It's Bright! It's Wonderful! A Musical Holiday of Fun for Everyone! (I'll say!)
What it sound like: A hot lesbian toy party.
What it's really about: A Laurel and Hardy flick, a musical about nursery rhymes with too complex a plot to put down, or an animated version of the above mentioned musical.


2. The ButterCream Gang (1992)
Tagline: Good kids, small-town fun, and unconditional love for a struggling friend. (If they're struggling they're probably trying to say, "No," through the ball gag.)
What it sounds like: A series of orgies. Buttery, creamy orgies.
What it's really about: A gang that does good deeds loses one of its members to the wrong crowd. Now they must try to free him of his wicked ways.

1. How Green Was My Valley (1941)
Tagline: Millions Have Read This Great Novel... Millions more will see an even greater picture! (Insert something dirty about the tagline here)
What it sounds like: Virgins worried about their inexperience or whores worried about the color of their diseased vaginas. Maybe both, like we meet up with the chick five years from now or something
What it's really about: Best Picture Oscar winning flick about coal-miners at the turn of the century.