How We'd F*ck Up Casablanca

Today my fellow traveler in the world of blogging and I unveil the first installment in a series entitled: How We'd F*ck Up A Classic. Essentially what we're going to do is take a classic flick that pretty much reaches the heights of iconic perfection and decide what we'd do for the remake if it were today. Mostly this will entail what actor choices we'd make, but there may be some other subtle differences we'd make. Now hopefully with the dear god of cinema's help these remakes will never happen, but that doesn't mean we can't have fun speculating. So with out further ado, here's how we'd f*ck up



Ugarte
Played By: Peter Lorre


Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Steve Buscemi

I had always thought of Steve Buscemi as this era's Peter Lorre, odd looking, able to play weasels, sychophants, and creepy guys, but still be funny. Now Buscemi is older than Lorre was when playing in the original, and I'm not sure if he can sound like he's from a European or North African country, but in my eyes there is no one else to replace Peter Lorre.

Stads: Steve Buscemi

A lot of these roles were difficult to determine, but to me Peter Lorre has always reminded me of a Steve Buscemi so Ugarte was easy. I would also go as far as to say Buscemi would improve the role. Buscemi firing a pistol into a group of attacking soldiers just makes more sense to me.

Signor Ferrari

Played By: Sydney Greenstreet

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: John Rhys-Davies

Now this is basically solely based on John Rhys-Davies's portrayal as Sallah in the two great Indiana Jones flicks. Essentially a big guy who sounds foreign. That's good enough to replace Sydney Greenstreet.

Stads: John Rhys-Davies

Greenstreet actually isn't nearly as Indian as Casablanca makes him look, I mean they just add a hat. My thought on Davies is of course from Sallah in Indiana Jones, but that's not to take away from Gimli in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. He just happens to be my favorite fat North African looking fellow. Which you know... are a little hard to find.

Major Strasser

Played By: Conrad Veidt

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Ralph Fiennes

I was a tad apprehensive to give Fiennes another Nazi role, but come on he was just so damn good the first time around. And I think Fiennes gives something to the character that's much more intimidating then there was the first time around. I thought about Peter Stormare for the role (the go to European guy in any flick see: German, The Big Lebowski, Russian, Armageddon, French, The Brothers Grimm, Swedish, Fargo, the Devil, Constantine), but he is perhaps a bit too creepy for the role.

Stads: Robert De Niro

I really wish De Niro didn't have such the history of great acting that he has. I truly do believe that he could do a great job in this role, but too many people would watch him and see that bad ass from Heat, Goodfellas, or of course young Vito Corleone (if anyone sees him and thinks of Meet the Parents, you know nothing of this man). If you can see past this, I think you can see that De Niro would make a wonderful Nazi.

Sam

Played By: Dooley Wilson

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Jaimie Foxx

Sam is certainly a notch above token black guy, but I think as Rick's only true friend he should have a more forceful character in the film other than the guy who plays "As Time Goes By". That being said I'm thinking Jaimie Foxx, great actor and we know he can play the piano and sing. Plus he's the right skin color.

Stads: Morgan Freeman

Sam is really not as in depth of a character as I think he could, or rather should, have been. He needs to be an older guy who is always looking at for his friend Rick. Morgan Freeman just seems like the type who is full of advice as well as just a nice guy to have around. Really can't see him singing all that well, but let's be honest, Sam didn't have the best voice either(not that I don't love As Time Goes By)

Victor Lazslo

Played By: Paul Henreid

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Jude Law

I don't know. Jude Law just seems like he can play a selfless heroic champion who you still don't want to get the girl.

Stads: Aaron Eckhart

Eckhart has little under his belt aside from Thank You For Smoking, but that was an impressive role. So I have great hope for this man(soon to play Harvey Dent in the new batman film), and I think he would fit Lazlo great. He's a strong, independent looking guy, but you still want to root for the other guy.

Captain Renault

Played By: Claude Rains


Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Ricky Gervais

Captain Renault is cleary a comedic role, so a comedian makes sense for him. But while still keeping the comedy there I do want to highlight his dark side of using his power for sexual favors. And I am banking on Ricky Gervais being able to comedy that isn't just self depracating.

Stads: Robin Williams

Williams is a funny guy, which is an important aspect. He's also a great actor when given the chance, just think of Good Morning Vietnam, as well as to a lesser extent Man of the Year. Also, he always struck me as the type that would use his power to sleep with women.

Illsa Lun

Played By: Ingrid Bergman

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shandeaux: Eva Green

Essentially because she's French and hot. And the only other French actress I know is whats-her-face (I realize I could just look it up and sound impressive, but I'm too lazy) from Amelie, and though I have a huge crush on her based on the that movie she's not exactly right for the part. I probably have some better reasons, but non come to mind.

Stads: Rachel McAdams

Illsa is all in the eyes. The role is really all in the expression she gets when looking at Rick. Bergman's big pouting eye's could make even the toughest guy cry. Well I think McAdams mirrors this look. I admit I also find her attractive, and that plays a role in my choice, but it damn well should.

Rick Blaine

Played By: Humprey Bogart

Who We'd F*ck Up the Role With:

shanedeaux: Clive Owen

Ok, no one could replace Humphrey Bogart, and Clive Owen's got a strike against him for being British (but I'm sure he could do an American accent), but while watching Children of Men I definatly got a vibe of Rick Blaine. I mean his relationship with Julianne Moore strikes a similar chord to Rick's and Illsa's and how he gets over his apathy to sacrifice himself in order to help fix the world in chaos around him. Plus he is pretty fucking cool.

Stads: George Clooney

I have been in love with Clooney since Ulysses Everett McGill in O' Brother Where Art Thou. Oddly enough, that role is about the polar opposite of Rick Blaine. Clooney can still do a great job of being that cynical, dark guy that you still love and root for. Be it getting the girl, or stealing the money from the casino.

Our Issues With Our Choices
Here's the part of the section where we piss all over ther other guy's picks (metaphorically of course, Rachel McAdmas has yet to return my calls).

Stads: First two are the exact same, which is nice, because I would be amazed if you saw them as anyone else.

shanedeaux: Indeed we were both great in our picks.

Stads: Fiennes is outdated and past his prime, he did a great Nazi in 1993.

shandeaux: Outdated? Past his prime? Even if that were the case, which it's not, John Travolta has proved time and time again that a washed-up actor can still land a great role and do a great job at it. Now as for your pick with Bobby, while no one is going to argue that he is without question one of the greatest method actors ever, he worries me. Only because he'll be doing a German accent (I'm presuming), which to me, seems very, very funny.

Stads: Jaimie Foxx is a superb actor, and he actually is capable of singing. My only issue with him, is I feel that he lacks that old-man vibe that I feel Sam needs.

shanedeaux: Ok, here we just have different views on where Sam needs to go, you say sage, I say closest friend. To me going the wise old friend route dips a bit into the "magic Negro" character. Plus Freeman won't be nararrating, so why would he want to be a part of it?

Stads: Jude Law irritates the hell out of me. Too british, too suave. I feel like he would steal away my girlfriend and sleep with her before my american ass can do anything about it. I do feel that Lazlo needs to be hated, but I also think he deserves some respect, which I can not and will not, give to Jude Law.

shandeaux: Again to me, Jude Law could easily portray a respected hero, but still come off as a douche. And as for him being British, at least I'm not just picking Americans for a movie set in North Africa during the beginnings of World War II. As for Eckhart, kinda the same complaints you had with Jude. Except he seems more sleazy than suave.

Stads: Unfortunately I can't really attack Gervais because I have never seen him act. Writing and acting are two separate skills, but hell, look at Conan O'Brien. In the same way that I can't attack him, however, I really can't see how anyone could defend him.

shandeaux: Fortunatley I can attack Robin Williams. Yes, the cat can act, but you're putting Robin Williams in a comedic role. That's just dangerous. It's like giving a pyromaniac a flamethrower, sure he'll find creative and interesting ways to use it, but someone's going to get hurt. I don't see how he can stop himself from being the coked out Mork from Ork he always is. And yes you cite movies where he had great dramatic parts, but they were counter-poised with him riffing and doing funny voices.

Stads: As I stated earlier, Illsa is all in the eyes. To me, Eva Green looks way more dark and cynical than young and naive. I will give you that she is a looker though.

shandeaux: Ok, your comment about the eyes is well put and damn insightful, but I disagree that Illsa needs to be played young and naive. She's given up on her true love, spent years helping combat Nazis, and now she's the center of the same love triangle she almost died inside giving up years ago. I agree not cynical, but certainly not naive, and I think Eva can play that balance.

Stads: I respect Clive Owen as an actor, and will watch almost anything he is in(much the same as George Clooney). Also, he is a bad ass, given. The issue with Owen is that I think he lacks that cool, respected, look, Americans seem to have done so well. Sure he could sound American, but could he throw on a white suit and sit at a table playing chess against himself? Owen just could not come across as a club owner to me.

shandeaux: George Clooney is an inspired choice, so much that I can't believe he hadn't crossed my mind. But to me he's just too friendly. I don't think he can pull off the hard nature and flippant apathy that is required of the role, and that I think Clive Owen could do so well. He'd be a different, darker Rick Blaine granted, and no one can do what Bogart did with that role, but I think Owen has the capacity to embody the essesnce of role better than anyone else.

Ok, how about you out there? Were we spot on with some choices? Did we affront you delicate sensibilities with others? Is Stads a closeted homosexual? Now's your chance to comment. I mean c'mon we can't do all the wrok you lazy bastards. Form your own opinions.